Struggling with MIL suddenly living with me!

[Toasted]

I could really do with some support as just over three weeks ago my MIL called me in a panic asking if I would pick her up for a few days as she wasn’t feeling well. She lives a 3.5hr drive away. She has a long term condition which she struggles with and is becoming less and less mobile. Since she’s been at mine, I’ve literally waited on her hand and foot, had to take time off work, and given her personal care as she can’t manage. A few days has very quickly turned into her selling her house and moving into a residential care home (yet to be arranged although viewing next week), and not looking like she’s leaving mine any time soon. I have only ever had her here previously for a maximum of 5 days over Christmas and to be honest I’ve always found that a huge struggle with her opinionated bossy ways. So now she’s here waiting to find a care home and I am struggling so badly with it all- please be gentle I am really struggling with my MH over this! I’ve had a hugely tough year with my DS being ill which has been extremely stressful (MH and ED) and this has only just been resolved to a more manageable level. I am wondering if it would be unreasonable to insist she goes back to hers with carers in three times a day until she decides on a carehome, or whether that is cruel and I should just find ways to manage my feelings around this. I feel like it’s making me ill in that it’s just been assumed this is how it’s going to be. My husband is taking next week off work but because I work from home it had previously been assumed I could juggle it but I can’t! I’m not entirely sure why I’m struggling so much with it all but I so value my space and my work is very mentally taxing and I can’t seem to manage her and my work.
YABU- suck it up and support the poor lady
YANBU - she will have to get care at her home until she decides where she’s going

Well that's not a sustainable situation is it?

Ummm we waited six months for a place to become available and that was over winter when deaths are higher.

Could you look at respite care in a home?

How long is her move likely to take?

Can your DH take more time off?
Are there any siblings?

Definitely not sustainable! We have found a home with spaces but I’m worried she might not like it! There are a few around here so will book some more visits next week too.
DH can’t take much more time off as he’s already taken some earlier in the year to go and look after her at home.
No siblings either so really rests on us. She’s of sound mind just needing help with cooking, washing etc and also is anxious about her health condition and coping on her own.

Well of course YANBU to find this a massive challenge

Since she’s been at mine, I’ve literally waited on her hand and foot, had to take time off work, and given her personal care as she can’t manage
this clearly isn't sustainable.

You dh needs to call an emergency meeting of his siblings as to what is to be done.

Now he knows just how much support his Mum needs, he needs to take the leave from work to sort out what support she can get. I don't think most people would turf their mother out until there is a care package in place, but I guess that is going to depend on the previous relationship, and things like how speedily support can be found.

You shouldn't be expected to be waiting on her and offering personal care just because your office happens to be within your home though.

Ah, cross posted

Can you get carers in to help at your house?

I'd be telling your useless husband that if his mother isn't out of your home in 2 weeks he had then better find a place big enough for the both of them. I would divorce my husband over this and I'm not joking. Stop doing anything for her, that's your husband's job.

I had thought about getting carers in here but my worry would be that it might be seen as a solution and prolong her stay here!

Thanks Kite- yes I am hoping he can get it sorted next week while he’s off work.

She won't like any care homes while she has it so good at your home. They'll all have some unredeemable problem. You need to stop & tell DH/his siblings you can't do it any more. It's incredible how fast they find new arrangements then.

My MIL need 24/7 care soon. FIL will be on his own. The suggestion has been made he split time between ours/SIL's (by SIL who knows he won't go to hers). I've made it clear that's a no or I'll be moving out. I know I'll be stuck with the caring & won't have it.