Gone NC with parents & sisters now my Dad has Cancer

[Safarigiraffe]

Basically to cut a long story short I’m married with 2 children and I’ve not had the best childhood going, parents are narcissists & 4 years ago went NC with them after them making my life hard. Got back in contact with them last year just before my Dad got Cancer & my mum ruined things by being hostile & nasty criticising me & telling lies about me. So now we are back to NC, my sisters have turned against me & the only one I’m in contact with is my Dad as I am keeping in contact with him for updates. However lately my Dads being a bit off with me with the little comments he’s saying. I can’t go round to see my Dad as my mum doesn’t want me round there & my sister is now saying to my extended family that I/my family have no right to be at my Dads funeral when he dies (he doesn’t have long to live) so AIBU to think that they are all totally in the wrong here &or AIBU to not forgive my parents for the abuse I suffered growing up Also should I even attend the funeral when my Dad dies knowing I’m not only NC with my mum/sisters but my extended family will side with them anyway 😞

Your family sound awful, well done for going NC.

Yes, you should attend dad’s funeral if you want to. Ignore your family.

If you want to attend, then go. You might have to brace yourself for a hard time from others. But do what you want, there won't be a second chance to go.

It's obviously your call but I probably wouldn't go. In the nicest possible way I think you'd become a distraction and the grief etc would head your way and you'd become the focus of all the negativity and sheer nastiness which isn't going to do anyone, least if all you, any good.

If there's somewhere that you have good memories of, your dad liked etc then perhaps you could go there and remember him at the same time as the funeral, or maybe pop into the back of the church or wherever the funeral will be held just after it starts and leave before the end.

Funerals are for the living but they aren't there for your abusers to make you a scapegoat, or carry on their abuse so protect yourself first and foremost. 💐

It sounds as if you’ve been given a role to play within the family. If you go, please ensure you don’t go alone and are protected and supported by someone, who deeply cares about you.

This sounds a little similar to the situation I'm in. Although im not NC yet, my dads cancer diagnosis has triggered my mom into being completely vile to me. My sister refuses to speak to me now & wider family are off, all because of the horrible things my mom says about me.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this on top of the grief for your dad. I would say when the time comes do what YOU need to. Try to forget about everything else, if you want to be there you have every right to be, like someone else said though, don't go alone, make sure you have your support. You just have to put yourself first.

Also, I've recently started counselling & have been finding it a huge help, you may find it useful

Be kind to yourself 💐

How awful for you OP!

Is your Dad now bedbound and unable to see you at your house or somewhere else? Can you Whatsapp him to talk to him so that you see him if he doesn't have long? Are your Mum and siblings the type of people to just hold a grudge and not speak to you? Do you speak to any cousins/aunts who you can explain the situation to so that going to the funeral is less awkward with extended family?

You can choose to forgive if you think that's something you want to do. It might be freeing and make your life far easier but that doesn't mean forgetting everything that happened to you or having to be in regular contact with your Mum and siblings if they cause you emotional harm.

My Dad is bedbound and has nurses coming in/out to treat him and has daily visits to hospital for Chemo treatments which has made him weak in a way. I do keep in regular contact with him whether by WhatsApp/Messaging however as I said he’s becoming a bit off with me in what he says lately as I believe my mum/sisters are feeding him lies about me. I have no one outside of family Aunts/Uncles/Cousins I can speak to and my mum/sisters hold grudges even though I’ve not done anything enough for them to hold a grudge with me. However the abuse I suffered from my Dad when I was growing up (physical,emotional) has left me with ill feelings towards him & as for my mum she was no mum towards me she was actually worse than my dad physically/emotionally in her toxic abusive ways towards me. Yes I do feel for my Dad having Cancer as I wouldn’t wish that on anyone however I can’t forgive/forget the past just cos he does have Cancer as I feel that Cancer doesn’t change a person so AIBU in my thinking that they have both left me feeling like a victim even though they feel sorry for themselves and my mum portrays herself as a victim to gain sympathy from everyone to make me feel like the bad one