To expect in-laws to say something?

[RandomName130]

I’m close with both of DHs parents and their partners. One set live abroad but we are in constant contact and have a family group chat etc. The other set live a 10months walk from our house and we see them multiple times per week and talk daily.

This week I’ve unfortunately had a hugely upsetting bereavement in my family. DHs parents have both been informed (by DH). Neither set have mentioned a single thing about it. Both have continued to message me and ask for help with things/have general chit-chat as if I have nothing else going on. MIL text me the morning after to ask me you drop off milk for her!

I’m sure I’m being ridiculous and am just overly sensitive at the moment. I don’t expect to be sent cards/flowers and all that type of thing but i find it odd that they’ve just glossed over it completely as if nothing had happened - surely you’d at least ask how someone was doing or express your condolences? 🤔

Sorry for you loss I think it's rude to be asking you for favors and not offering condolences. They could just message if they don't want to send a card.

Yes that was rude. You would have handled it differently and better - for you.

But don't focus on them. You've had an awful shock. You just need to be with people who are close to you and understand what you need (or you can say what you need without judgement).

FWIW I had a terrible bereavement and my in laws were overly concerned, talked about it endlessly, picked over events etc. I was terribly angry - but really I was just angry, lost and frightened and they were a safe place to stash my feelings.
So lots of people will talk too much and many will not talk at all.

The most important thing is to be kind to yourself. Note that they don't get it but don't dwell on them - focus on what you need.

I had some really difficult issues with my family last year where we thought we were going to lose someone close to me and my in laws were just pretty shit if I’m honest and it’s effected how I feel about them as before I would have said we were close.
It made me reflect on the relationship I had with them and whether they really see me as my own person with my own family and issues or just as an extension of DH as his wife and their DGCs mum. I’m less invested in the relationship now and DH has made them aware of how insensitive they were and they try to make up for it with concern now but it’s a bit late for me.

Ignore them and let your DH deal with them. You focus on you x

What does your DH think?

Is it possible he told them you don't want to talk about it?

Asked you to drop off milk?! Totally tone deaf of her. Get your dh to have serious words, I'm amazed at their lack of sympathy at this time.

Sorry for your loss OP
That is crap
Although you will be feeling understandably sensitive at the moment, as an outsider I am happy to say that that is poor behaviour from them. The only thing I can offer in their defence is that many people feel awkward and embarrassed around bereavement, they don't know what to say etc etc. However I don't think this excuses them. The bare minimum would be a card or text saying 'so sorry to hear about X passing away' and then leaving you alone.

For now as others have said, focus on yourself and your own family. Afterwards, I'd be inclined to just have minimal contact with them, they don't seem to value you very much. I'm sorry, it's crap.

Thanks everyone ❤️ Sorry I didn’t get the chance to pop back on here, it’s been a busy week 😓
just to answer the DH question - @FogniniFog - DH is abroad working offshore. He was amazing and arranged cover for his work to stay home and look after DCs to allow me to spend 3 days at my loved ones bedside until they passed but unfortunately he had to leave for work first thing the next morning. I haven’t discussed it with him - I don’t like bothering him with things when he’s at work but I’ll chat to him about it next week when he’s home. He’s already feeling horrendously guilty about having to go back to work so quickly after and leave me here dealing with work and DCs so quickly after the death but these things can’t be helped! He definitely didn’t tell them that I don’t want to talk about it etc though!

PIL did similar OP. A family member died young which I was obviously very upset about. They never discussed it with me or were sympathetic ever, other than MIL making it clear (in a passive aggressive way) that I should come straight back after the funeral (I had to travel away for three days). At the time I used to see them regularly at least once a week. They weren't directly affected, but I assumed she didn't want DH to take on any extra childcare - I was a FTM. After the funeral it was never mentioned. This was some years ago and I generally have a good relationship with them, but can't forgive and forget this

However, both PIL have had siblings that have died in recent years and they are pretty "hard faced" about it. So not sure if it's a generational "stiff upper lip" kind of thing (my parents are not like this!). Last year DH popped in to see them and found out that one of his aunts (and DH's godmother) was literally about to die and we had no idea.

I think it’s awful for that your PILs didn’t offer you their condolences, and beyond callous of your MIL to instead text you to ask you for a favour! I’m not sure I could forgive someone for being so dismissive of my feelings. I’m sorry for your loss OP.

Seems.odd that they haven't mentioned it or sent condolences. Perhaps they are worried about upsetting you?

This very thing happened to my very close friend a couple of years ago.

Her mother who is American died suddenly.

She went to be with her and when she returned home, not a word.

She was devastated by her loss and very hurt by her in laws of 25 years.

Her father died 12 months later and again, no acknowledgement.

They are quite self absorbed people anyway, but this hurt her as she was very kind to them.

She still sees them but she is very much less available and when her BIL tried to tell her that she would need to be doing their appointments as she works part time she put him and her husband VERY firmly in their place.

She will not be involved in organising any care, they can get on with it among themselves.

She is still pleasant but has no intention of running around after them and uses "she has things on a lot".

Strange behaviour.

OP, sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't be replying to milk requests with anything other than, I'm busy.

It really wounded my friend. Compounding her grief funnily enough at the time.

It is very unkind of them not to send a message of sympathy at such a time.

@RandomName130 I am very sorry for your loss 💐.

Same thing happened to me, @RandomName130

I put it down to 'not knowing what to say syndrome' but just recently I did the same people a huge favour and they haven't ever once said thank you.

I've just realised that they're rude arseholes. These are my long-term DP's relatives. I'm now deeply offended and have gone to ground, as it were.

@billy1966 I would rather split up with my DP than lift a finger for his relatives again. Ever.

Your poor friend.

Condolences. I'll never understand how some people can be so cold & thoughtless. I'm so sad for you.

I hope you didn’t drop the milk off

be elusive from now on. Put back in what they’re giving you.

im so sorry for your loss. It’s such a shock and having these selfish arseholes to deal with on top of it all is just too much

I'm really sorry for your loss 💐 I hope you've got friends who can help until your DH is on leave.

Some people use the excuse of not knowing what to say and ignore a loss, which I don't think is good enough. They could drop round with flowers, check if you need anything from the supermarket, bring some meals for the freezer etc. I'm really sorry they're not supporting you as they should.

It's a different situation, but my ILs didn't speak to my DH for 2 months last year because we had a terrible time with IVF and they felt he should have spent less time supporting me and more time being involved in his sibling's pregnancy. They didn't support us at all through further loss and although I'm perfectly polite I have not forgotten how they behaved.

I am sorry for your loss OP.

I think it absolutely is likely to be "don't know what to say" syndrome but I am completely and totally unsympathetic. A short text message is not difficult. Similarly, you don't have to be an empathetic genius to understand that expecting someone who has just suffered a bereavement to continue with normal life with zero change is not on.

I am afraid this would probably intrinsically damage my relationship with them forever.

I DO think however that as a society we seem to have lost (or perhaps we never had it? I'm not sure) the art of handling bereavement. Perhaps as we've moved from very formal and established processes to a more fluid, informal approach, people have not learnt the necessary skills. Sad though it is, I have found myself beginning to teach DC the "etiquette" as it were around death because I really do believe it's so important:

• acknowledge it (card, flowers, text message, verbal - whatever you prefer),


• lower expectations for person in the short term as they deal first with the immediate shock, possibly the admin and then begin to process the trauma,


• offer help and support, adapting this based on how well you know the person and/or your/their specific circumstances

Send mil a link to online shopping.
.
Seems they see you as staff. Back away.
And I hope your dh has a word. Cfery isn't age descriminate I see.