To wish this wasn't my responsibility ?

[notarevealingname]

Before I start this I want to say I love my dad to but and will always support him but I just need to rant...

My DF has mental health issues. Diagnosed with split personality disorder. I don't ever really remember a time when he wasn't like this but there are times when his behaviour peaks and currently I'm struggling with the responsibility of it all. I am a married mother of 2, only child and the only person my dad had for support. My Grandparents are NC with him after years of trying to support him (I can understand as they are both in poor health and he can become extremely aggressive when on a episode)

My DF suffered alot through the pandemic, no fave to face appointments with psychiatrist/gps and is a staunch anti vaxer to the point sometimes you just have to agree with him as he will escalate it to an argument. He will go as far as to accost people who are wearing masks and has not stepped foot in a doctors surgery or hospital for over a year now as he is convinced they will section him and give him the vaccine.

Recently I'm really feeling so down and anxious with the pressure of making sure he is ok. I see him everyday, will shop for him (he's banned from a lot of local stores) cook meals for him. He will ring on average 30 times a day and if I do not answer he will become extremely agitated.

I just feel so stuck. Eventually things will ease off and he will have a few months of coping quite well but I'm them worrying about what the next thing to set him off will be.

AIBU to feel lumbered with this responsibility, that's an awful word but it's like having another child but much harder and non of my family will help. I have thought about moving him in with us but it wouldn't be fair on DH & DC.

Can anyone point me in the direction of who I can ring for help? I'm struggling to get any help gp just prescribed more tablets, has referred to psychiatrics again but the wait it very long in our area. He refused to see private councillor and any appointments I have been able to arrange have been over the phone as he refuses to step foot in anywhere due to vaccine.

Sorry for the long post and any spelling mistakes (typing this on phone). Thanks for reading and any positive comments would be nice or maybe people who are in a similar position caring for someone with severe mental health issues.

Ps- please no 'your an awful daughter' replies. I already feel bad enough for typing this out 

You 100% are not an awful daughter - you sound like a wonderful daughter. But you need to get help. I don't know where from - hopefully someone will come along soon who can give advice.

You’re not an awful daughter, you’re concerned for your father but limited in what you can do. I think you’re offering all the practical support you can. I don’t think it’s a good idea to move your father into your home. I know this sounds harsh but 5 people will then find life extremely difficult.
Hopefully there’ll be some MH professionals along who’ll have some ideas.

You are absolutely not a terrible daughter. The furthest thing from it. You are just one person, op, and no one can handle all of the shit you're dealing with. I hope you know it's ok to step away if you need to. You can't be responsible for him, and you certainly can't allow him to move into your home. It would be awful for your children and it would probably destroy your marriage.

Please type 'carer support' and your county into Google (i am presuming you are in the UK?). There is support for unpaid carers like you. You are entitled to a carers assessment and support with your caring role.
Our local carers service offers benefits advice, employment support, emotional support and groups and activities. They also can sometimes get carers small budgets to help them to sustain their caring role, so for example for a cleaner for themselves or an occasional wellbeing break.

You can also use the carers.org website to find out more about local support www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/local-support

You are not an awful daughter. And you would not be awful if you decided to take a step back.

The reality is that this has driven your grandparents to go no contact and I can see why.

He is unwell and the reality is that you probably can't fix him so Don't move him into your home.

You're not awful, anyone would feel the strain.

Ps- please no 'your an awful daughter' replies. I already feel bad enough for typing this out

you're an awesome daughter, plenty of us would've said fuck that years ago.

You can't do everything, you have your own responsibilities. How old is he?

Oh my, you poor thing - you are a saint. Have you called social services - he is a vulnerable adult, I would have thought so asking for advice through them could be helpful. You may have to refuse to do things though, which I think sounds like it will be hard for you. But you will make yourself ill if you carry on like this. I am so sorry you are in this position.

I agree with this.
I can't really imagine anyone thinking differently.

You are obviously very caring and committed dd who is just running out of road at present.

You have done an amazing job so far

My experience of adult social care is that they are so short staffed, that if they can get you to do the care/support, they will. I understand why (my husband works in adult social care) but you need to say no, or at least tell them what you are prepared to do.

My dad was ill and when we needed to up his care (end of life really) it was worded in such a way that they expected me to pick up the slack. I worked, had young children and most importantly, my dad would have absolutely hated me doing any sort of personal care.

I had to say no, I’m not doing it. Repeatedly.

if he isn’t open to adult social care, please contact them. You can self refer for an assessment.

You can not Carry on like this . You need help and also to put your family first . Go to your GP and say how stressed you are and that you can’t cope and get it On your records . Then contact adult social services .

don’t feel guilty. I know how you feel And you must get help

Ladies, thank you so much. Sat with tears in my eyes reading these replies. Thank you for the kind words and advice, I will be in touch with social services on Monday & also look into the unpaid carer side of things.

Also I agree with all the comments saying don't move him in. I absolutely won't do this as I wouldn't want to put my family through the stress.

DF is 62, I hope I haven't made him sound like a monster. This is a man I've held when he's been in tears telling me how hard it is to live in his head and it just breaks my heart. Also I agree with the comments saying I need to stop doing as much and try to get some care in place or help from social services, the thing is DF can be very manipulative and I suspect he prefers to have me running around after him so on occasions I've told him we should look into care or even him attending some support groups he will threaten suicide or become aggressive so I just carry on doing what I'm doing, but things have got to change, my DH & DC are suffering because of this now but similarly I don't want to make my DF feel like he isn't a priority as he has no one else at all.

Again, I'm just thankful at how kind and lovely you all are. X