Always felt I’m a disappointment

[feelinglowandblue]

Hi all

loooong time lurker (pb, Mexican house thief, Sistine chapel etc) and finally decided that I needed to see if I could get some help and advice from anyone.

I’ve been stewing over this “feeling” for years but it’s been exacerbated by the birth of my DD 2 years ago. I feel awful posting my mum but that’s what this is about in essence.

two points I want to get out into the ether and see if anyone has a way for me to understand/deal/similar situations as I have no one to discuss with irl.

First one happened a while ago where my friend and I popped over to see my mum (she is an older mum, had me at 40 just for context) my 8 year old cousin had started to learn a musical instrument that I used to play at the same age (so we’re talking 23 years ago at this point) and she wanted me to give it a go and show them what I could do. I couldn’t do it, physically didn’t work for me. She went absolutely ballistic in front of my cousins, uncle and best friend. Like I’d completely embarrassed her. She couldn’t believe that I had lost the ability to do this. I was utterly mortified. Never spoke of again.

I was born and raised until 7 in a SE city whereas we are actually “from” a midlands town which people still do look down on. I do not. We moved back here when I was 7. Anyway she made me have elocution lessons when I was 4-6 which I just cannot fathom. My father was a different race but she still to this day insists he was something else (so if he was Jamaican for example she would say no he was French) again, giving me a shame of my heritage since as long as I can remember.

I feel that in essence she is deeply deeply ashamed of herself, her choices and her relationship with my dad (he is now dead but was a violent alcoholic) but it’s all been taken out on me in subtle ways over the years that I’m now only waking up to. It all adds to me not being good enough for her and being inherently ashamed of me. I did break once a few years ago and let her know what I thought and how she made me feel and she just gaslit me saying she’s never said anything of the sort and got v upset. I mentioned about how she always says I shouldn’t keep wearing grey clothes, or that my hair looks like it’s never been brushed (thick wiry curls) etc.

anyway I’m sorry for long first post, I’m sure I could write a lot more! I don’t think I could ever confront her about this now as she is a lot older, on her own and a fantastic grandma to my daughter. Covid lockdown has really aged her and it makes me sad that she has lost her mobility but again something I can’t speak to her about without the defences.

I guess I’m just looking to see if anyone else has encountered this? Or what it could be that made her this way? I was thinking menopause after a later pregnancy could have had something to do with it on top of a terrible marriage? I’m not looking to blame just to understand and try and get rid of my own shame of myself. Thank you

OP, I'm sorry you feel like this. When we have children, we can't help reviewing our own childhoods and if they were problematic, things we coped with through necessity at the time, surface and worry us.

You can't change your mum. You can't really understand her. Maybe she;s a narcissist and furious at you for being anything other than her performimg puppet, or maybe her shame is a neurotic version of deep love - longing for you to fit in and thrive where she didn't, and so she's fierce about trying to make you do so. But neither version helps you.

I know it's well-worn advice, but you really do need to learn to accept yourself, as you are, for who you are, with love, affection and without shame. Brene Brown is brilliant on this subject. Look up some of her you tube and Ted talks or buy her books.

o wow, you’re post gave me chills re the deep love and fitting in where she didn’t. That resonates with so many other things and makes me feel so sad for her as I’ve never looked at it that way. That’s exactly what I needed to see thank you so much. I will look into that author also. Thank you

I identify with one part of your post, (although I have a really good relationship with my mum and a lot of respect for her, she treated me really well on the whole) but the part about your dad.

My mum is non-european and my dad is white European (I'm mixed race) and they had an unhappy relationship, split when I was a baby. He was non-physically abusive and just totally bad news. But whenever my sister or I had a sulk or a temper or any negative teenage behaviour "you're acting like your father". "You look like your father in that picture" (I immediately delete the picture). "Your arms are so hairy just like your dad" (I started doing hair removal age 8 because I was so ashamed)

More recently, this is really quite shocking, when I was pregnant "your baby will be white and look nothing like me, sometimes I wish I had a [own race] grandchild" - gasp!! My mum isn't racist but anything that reminds her of my dad is negative. I snapped "you should have thought of that and had kids with a [own race]man then!". Tbf she has never said anything since dd was born, she dotes on her.

It comes from her own trauma and isn't personal to me. I love her and feel sorry for her sometimes.

Ps when my daughter was first born she looked just like my dad haha - still the most beautiful baby in the world. I mentioned it to my mum and she sounded almost relieved I said it first because she didn't want to seem like she was criticising dd! My poor mum has a lot of trauma. (We are all NC with my dad now)

That’s how I feel and have never said, if you didn’t want me looking this way or having the heritage I have then don’t marry someone of that race! Yes I recognise this. My daughter is very pale white also and she absolutely dotes on how beautiful she is which is true! But does make me see that she wished maybe I had been different. I also understand about the hair removal, she told me once about using immac when we’d been swimming and I genuinely didn’t care (about 15) but then of course I felt I had to!

I would go for counselling. I was recently looking up stuff about therapy for anxiety, lack of confidence, and apparently just living with someone who gets extremely angry or is unpredictable (you mention an alcoholic DF) can cause ptsd and can affect you in later life.
I had this scenario growing up and it probably affects me now. Don't dismiss things. Your childhood is very important.

Thank you that’s really helpful I want to address it now going forward