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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DS WhatsApp password

33 replies

BabyYodasGotMyTeacher · 21/04/2022 20:31

DS uses WhatsApp to chat with friends (since Christmas) - some of which is a rather large class group and some is smaller groups. There were a couple of issues last term and we insisted that we should have access to his phone so that can keep an eye on what's being said.

I have previously checked it while he's at school/asleep but he's now put a password on WhatsApp so I can't access.

He said that he's OK with me looking at it with him but he doesn't want to give me free access.

I recognise that he wants to be able to have private conversations and he's starting to get interested in girls so that may be a factor, but I also want to be able to keep oversight.

AIBU to insist on having the password?

He's Yr 6 if that makes a difference (and if it does when does it change?)

OP posts:

Ducksurprise · 21/04/2022 20:34

In UK the age for WA is 16. I'm relaxed by MN standards but I wouldn't allow a y6 unfettered access to WA.

CornishGem1975 · 21/04/2022 20:36

No YANBU for a Year6.

I no longer check my kids unless I have cause for concern but they're Year 11 and I respect their right to privacy, however at age 10/11? I'd want full access or they wouldn't be able to have it at all.

itsgettingweird · 21/04/2022 20:37

He's 10/11?

Of course you can insist.

It's your phone as you pay for it.

You either have access or he doesn't have the phone.

I don't think you need to keep that rule until they're 16 or 18 and paying for their own. But you can certainly use it until 13/14 and they've earned your trust and you think they are mature enough to have more freedom.

Sbqprules · 21/04/2022 20:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JurasicPerks · 21/04/2022 20:39

Y6?
Phone would be confiscated in this house if I had no access to everything in it (I have a Y6, but he has no interest in girls)

My 13 yr old is still under the rules that I have access to everything. In reality I check it if it's been going crazy with messages, as he's shown himself to be careful with what's going on and distancing himself from controversial stuff, and coming to us when it went wrong.

ImInStealthMode · 21/04/2022 20:48

Year 6! I thought you were going to say 14/15 at which point yes a little more privacy (unless there are suspicions about untoward conversations) is fair.

He's 5 or 6 years under the minimum age for Whatsapp at the moment. I'd say full access or he loses his phone.

TheChurchOfEli · 21/04/2022 20:51

I thought this was about your husband until I re-read! He’s year 6!! He shouldn’t even be using whatsapp let alone telling YOU the rules around your access. Phone removed until he’s understood you are to have free access to everything at all times for his safety and he is understanding and implementing these boundaries.

Owwlie · 21/04/2022 20:52

Year 6?! There’s no way he would be allowed to tell me that I can look at it with him but not have free access. Phone would be removed (temporarily) just for that!

Yr 10 is I think the point where it becomes more of an access if you have concerns situation. But before that I wouldn’t trust them to be responsible enough.

gamerchick · 21/04/2022 20:54

At that age it's your job to monitor what he's doing online OP. He doesn't agree then he loses the privilege.

Owwlie · 21/04/2022 20:55

Actually I would say remove the phone now, delete whatsapp (and change the password for the App Store so he can’t redownload) until he’s learnt that he can’t dictate the rules.

Peppapig7262662 · 21/04/2022 20:57

He's far too young to even have such an app.
My own DD was allowed it when she was 13 to chat with family etc. She knows i check her phone.

Landlubber2019 · 21/04/2022 21:01

My y6 has what's app, but it is monitored. It will remain that way while I pay the bills. I urge you to get family link downloaded and shut down the phone until the password is available.

Landlubber2019 · 21/04/2022 21:01

My y6 has what's app, but it is monitored. It will remain that way while I pay the bills. I urge you to get family link downloaded and shut down the phone until the password is available.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/04/2022 21:02

Y6 shouldn't even have WhatsApp but if they have a phone and social media then the bare minimum is they share the password.

Why are you accepting this from a 10/11yo? Parent him. Take the phone away.

BoredZelda · 21/04/2022 21:19

Yep. He gives you the password or he loses the app.

LittleOwl153 · 21/04/2022 21:27

Yeah year 6... so 10 going on 11yrs old. No chance.

My Yr8 is largely left to get on with it now, but no passwords to stop me checking. She does however have Google family link downloaded and condition of having the phone is that and the limits I apply through it are respected.

Some of the most horrendous uses of WhatsApp I've have seen in her groups were in yr6 - or yr5 some of the kids. Because they haven't learnt yet how to use it properly and safely.

No passwords No phone. No arguing!

Hankunamatata · 21/04/2022 21:31

I deleted what's app until they hit high school. Iv 2 children gone through year 6 and each times theres been bullying issues in the class though what's app (mine didn't have snap chat/Instagram/fb).

UrsulaBursula · 21/04/2022 21:31

How did he manage to put a password on WhatsApp?

do you mean he has locked his phone or the actual WhatsApp app, as I didn’t know you could lock specific apps?

do tell

Jalepenojello · 21/04/2022 21:41

Year 6? Absolutely not unreasonable. Any child that age should be having their phone checked as a condition of having a phone at all. Don’t want to follow the rules then no phone

Original poster

BabyYodasGotMyTeacher · 21/04/2022 23:29

Fab, thanks to everyone who has confirmed IANBU.

To those saying I should immediately take his phone away and or parent him, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to spend a few hours questioning whether my approach is overkill (which I think we're all agreed it's not). His comment about access with him there was part of a conversation about it not his "demand". We do already have family link which we can and do use to shut things down when we think it's necessary.

@UrsulaBursula his phone is a Xiaomi which has an inbuilt App Lock function which can put a password on certain apps. I will confess as a Samsung user I didn't know it existed until today - so you live and learn!

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 21/04/2022 23:34

What age is he? Is he really only 10 or 11?

UrsulaBursula · 21/04/2022 23:39

That sounds very high tech!

might invest in one of those too

Original poster

BabyYodasGotMyTeacher · 21/04/2022 23:50

@GrazingSheep yes why?

OP posts:

GrowingUpIsATrap · 21/04/2022 23:51

My kids are in year 9 and 7.
I have access to their phones and they know i will check them. If they tried to block me i would remove their phones. They know i check to keep them safe.
Two people i know have had their children groomed through popular mobile phone apps. So i am quite firm in my rules on mobile phones.

Beamur · 22/04/2022 00:01

I would be insisting on the password and taking the phone until he gives it to you.
He's broken the rule you set and is far too young for secret conversations.
Be firm now or he is going to walk all over you.

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