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AIBU?

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Original poster

My BF partner won't let her have her own business

33 replies

LadyMil · 21/04/2022 11:51

My BF has been doing a lot of online courses related to animal welfare etc. She currently works as a teaching assistant but absolutely hates it.
She has been expressing her desire for a long time about having her business. We discussed it and she wants to do something dog related (she has a long history of having dogs and other pets), so I suggested she tries dog walking and dog sitting.
During our chat we discussed the many ways she can do it from popping into peoples homes to walk, play, feed etc their pets, walking dogs and possibly having them in her house.

This was months ago and nothing has happened so far.

I asked her if she was enjoying her Easter break and she said yes that she doesn't want to go back to work. So I asked her how her business plans were coming along.

She said that she can't have a business, needs more land, her partner doesn't want that.

I told her that's not fair, while it should be a joint decision, ultimately he should support her choices.

He has his own business, which she helps out massively (unpaid). A lot of the time she finishes work and goes to help him do his work, she does his bookkeeping, all the housework, walks the dog, does all the cooking, shopping and washing.
She finishes work at 3.15pm, goes home to walk the dog, picks up any needed shopping then goes to help him, gets home about 7pm, makes tea, washes up, tidies around, walks the dog again.

She doesn't get to bed until 11/midnight and never has a sleep in (he does).

His children (they are all over 18) treat her like rubbish, they steal from her, talk to her like she is rubbish, trash the house, then ask her for favours like dropping them off at work/college/cinema etc and they have taken drug in the house, smoked weed when she has specifically asked them not to.

AIBU when I told her that is not fair? I told her that she has every right to her choices and a business if she wants one. She does far to much and takes far to much crap from his children. I told her he is not at all supportive.

I'm absolutely furious right now.

OP posts:
Doggydarling · 21/04/2022 11:54

She needs to leave her partner and then sort out her working future.

Indicatrice · 21/04/2022 11:55

He doesn’t want her to have her own business because he has in unpaid skivvy for his own business who he hasn’t even had to marry, so she has zero right to his home and business.

Does she understand this?

AryaStarkWolf · 21/04/2022 11:57

Sounds like she's having a hard time both at work and in her home life, it must be hard to see OP but besides talking to her and advising her there's not much you can do, she has to decide to stand up for herself/leave. All you can do is be their for her and hope that happens sometime

araiwa · 21/04/2022 12:25

It's not like he can stop her

Unless she needs him to buy land she can't afford?

Original poster
LadyMil · 21/04/2022 12:29

“He doesn’t want her to have her own business because he has in unpaid skivvy for his own business who he hasn’t even had to marry, so she has zero right to his home and business.

Does she understand this?”

They own the house jointly. She put in half the money.
She doesn’t want his business in any way.

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 21/04/2022 12:30

My BF partner won't let her have her own business

Well that sounded bad until I read that her business idea was dog sitting in their own home. Obviously something like that would need the approval of her partner.

Original poster
LadyMil · 21/04/2022 12:41

“Well that sounded bad until I read that her business idea was dog sitting in their own home. Obviously something like that would need the approval of her partner.”

POSSIBLY having them in their home. There are many dog sitters who don’t have them in their home.

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 21/04/2022 12:47

There are many dog sitters who don’t have them in their home.

Are there? I can imagine that there are businesses who own kennel facilities that can sit tens of dogs at a time. But a sole trader dog sitter, renting or buying a separate property just to use it for overnight sitting? I haven't heard of that.

Ihatethenewlook · 21/04/2022 12:50

Hont1986 · 21/04/2022 12:47

There are many dog sitters who don’t have them in their home.

Are there? I can imagine that there are businesses who own kennel facilities that can sit tens of dogs at a time. But a sole trader dog sitter, renting or buying a separate property just to use it for overnight sitting? I haven't heard of that.

You do know that you can dog sit in the clients home?

FleurDeLizz · 21/04/2022 12:56

Running your own business is really hard and you friend sounds a bit clueless - even the business itself was your idea and not hers so it doesn’t sound like she’s that passionate or driven. Honestly I would stop bringing it up and let her get on with it.

KrisAkabusi · 21/04/2022 12:56

You haven't said anything about finances. If she needs money to start a business and she doesn't have it, then it has to come from somewhere. If his business doesn't generate enough money to buy more land, then fair or not, she can't do it. That's much more relevant to the situation than whether his kids are rude to her.

Original poster
LadyMil · 21/04/2022 12:59

“There are many dog sitters who don’t have them in their home.

Are there? I can imagine that there are businesses who own kennel facilities that can sit tens of dogs at a time. But a sole trader dog sitter, renting or buying a separate property just to use it for overnight sitting? I haven't heard of that.”

You are aware that you can animal sit in the clients own home?
Where I used to live there were 3 dog sitters/walkers who lived in flats. None had any animals in their flats. They walked dogs and animal sat in the clients home or popped in to walk/play/feed them.

OP posts:
IsDaveThere · 21/04/2022 13:00

YABU to be furious, her staying a business is not really anything to do with you.

If your BF is prepared to put up with all this, there is not much you can do other than be there to support her.

Original poster
LadyMil · 21/04/2022 13:00

“You haven't said anything about finances. If she needs money to start a business and she doesn't have it, then it has to come from somewhere. If his business doesn't generate enough money to buy more land, then fair or not, she can't do it. That's much more relevant to the situation than whether his kids are rude to her.”

She doesn’t need land. That’s just what he says.
She has her own money for start up costs.

OP posts:
RandomQuest · 21/04/2022 13:04

It’s perfectly reasonable to not want a rotation of strange dogs in your house. If she doesn’t have the money to start a business then he doesn’t have to fund it either.

Him and his children sound deeply unpleasant but I don’t think that’s especially relevant to the business thing.

He sounds

Sandinmyknickers · 21/04/2022 13:05

This sounds more like your idea than hers and to be honest it sounds a bit irresponsible to be trying to persuade someone to leave their job and start their own business when it sounds like she can't really ever scale it up between sitting one dog at a time, in the owners own home (If her partner is sysing she can't have them at the house )
He does sound pretty awful to her in other ways. But just in relation to the 'business' idea, it sounds like there's more details and numbers to crunch to see if it would work than just a coffee chat, and maybe both of them have realised this when talking it over in the context of their circumstances

10HailMarys · 21/04/2022 13:22

I'll be honest ... it sounds to me that the two of you just had a bit of a chat in which you chucked around a few suggestions, which she vaguely mentioned to her husband, but hadn't actually seriously thought them through or come up with a proper plan. He has then probably said 'Well, we don't really have enough space for that / money for that, do we?' and she's said, 'Yeah, maybe you're right.' But in your head, because you don't like him and his kids are dicks, you've made that into her explaining her proposals and him forbidding her to it.

I don't think your friend is actually anything like as keen to set up a business as you believe she is - it sounds like she's just musing over her options and fantasising about chucking in her TA job rather than making serious plans.

If he is saying she 'needs more land' for her idea, then she has presumably suggested to him that she does doggy-daycare at their property, and her partner doesn't feel that's practical in the home that they jointly own. If she really wanted to do this, she could simply say 'OK, so I could do dog-walking or drop-in dogsitting instead, maybe?' but that's a conversation for her to have. I think you're really over-invested in your own ideas for what her business when you really just need to leave it to her.

starfishmummy · 21/04/2022 13:48

I voted YANBu because this really isn't your call.

Firstly she seems very half hearted - "something with animals" didn't seem like a clear business idea until you leapt in and told her what she should do!!!

Running your own business is not for everyone

luxxlisbon · 21/04/2022 14:08

She doesn’t need land. That’s just what he says.
She has her own money for start up costs.

Well then he can’t really stop her. If she doesn’t plan to have animals in the shared house, doesn’t want to move home to facilitate the business and has the money she needs to set up the business how is he stopping her? Why does she need his approval?

The business sounds poorly thought out and more your idea than hers, but if she wants to start it there isn’t really anything stopping her.

Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2022 14:14

There are 2 issues here
Firstly your friend doesnt sound particularly equipped to start and run a Business but her OH doesnt sound very nice either
However, maybe he genuinely thinks this is a bad idea and is expressing that rather unpleasantly?

Original poster
LadyMil · 21/04/2022 15:00

“I'll be honest ... it sounds to me that the two of you just had a bit of a chat in which you chucked around a few suggestions, which she vaguely mentioned to her husband, but hadn't actually seriously thought them through or come up with a proper plan. He has then probably said 'Well, we don't really have enough space for that / money for that, do we?' and she's said, 'Yeah, maybe you're right.' But in your head, because you don't like him and his kids are dicks, you've made that into her explaining her proposals and him forbidding her to it.

I don't think your friend is actually anything like as keen to set up a business as you believe she is - it sounds like she's just musing over her options and fantasising about chucking in her TA job rather than making serious plans.

If he is saying she 'needs more land' for her idea, then she has presumably suggested to him that she does doggy-daycare at their property, and her partner doesn't feel that's practical in the home that they jointly own. If she really wanted to do this, she could simply say 'OK, so I could do dog-walking or drop-in dogsitting instead, maybe?' but that's a conversation for her to have. I think you're really over-invested in your own ideas for what her business when you really just need to leave it to her.”

It’s not my idea, she has talked about it for a few years, even to her partner and he’s never stated he doesn’t want her to do it.
He supported her doing the courses knowing what she wanted.
She has a full plan and talked it through with other animal sitters and other people who have businesses so she knows the ins and outs of it.
She has been wanting her own business for a while and has put a lot of effort into it.

With regards to your comment about me not liking her partner or children. You couldn’t be more wrong but thank you for that analogy.

OP posts:
purpledagger · 21/04/2022 15:02

If the partner isn't against the idea, what ma stopping your friend?

LetitiaLeghorn · 21/04/2022 15:09

Hont1986 · 21/04/2022 12:47

There are many dog sitters who don’t have them in their home.

Are there? I can imagine that there are businesses who own kennel facilities that can sit tens of dogs at a time. But a sole trader dog sitter, renting or buying a separate property just to use it for overnight sitting? I haven't heard of that.

My sister does it for both dogs and cats. She stays at the owners house.

thebeespyjamas · 21/04/2022 17:15

Does she have children with him?
I'd leave him, she's behaving like his housewife but also working, which is absurd.

FleurDeLizz · 22/04/2022 04:06

It’s not my idea, she has talked about it for a few years, even to her partner and he’s never stated he doesn’t want her to do it.
He supported her doing the courses knowing what she wanted.
She has a full plan and talked it through with other animal sitters and other people who have businesses so she knows the ins and outs of it.
She has been wanting her own business for a while and has put a lot of effort into it.

that’s not what your OP said - you said she wanted to do “something dog related” and then you suggested she tries dog walking and dog sitting, chatted about it and then months passed and you heard nothing. When did she do all this research with animal sitters if she didn’t even know that’s what she was going to do?

honestly think her relationship is none of your business - you seem to be looking for reasons to dislike her DP but he would be the one likely needing to support her financially with bills etc if she jacks in her job to start a business so his opinion does matter. Savings don’t last long if you’re trying to get a new business off the ground

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