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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not attend?

21 replies

elzober · 21/04/2022 04:45

A friend is having a party to mark a milestone event. A gathering of about 20 - 25. I found out that a group of people are going that I make a big effort to avoid since I found out they spread nasty gossip about me a few months ago and were generally not very nice (I had done nothing to provoke this and was just living my life which they seemed to take excessive interest in). She is friendly with them as she has more in common but I've always felt like an outsider with that group so prefer to just avoid them rather than try to fit in like I used to when I was a bit younger and naive about them.

I explained to my friend that I didn' t feel comfortable going if they are all there, I'll feel outnumbered and exposed and whilst in the past I would have gone just to please her, I no longer want to do things I'm not comfortable with or go to social events where I know I wont enjoy myself.

I offered to do something else with her to mark the milestone like take her for a meal but she's not having it. She actually said 'you can't do this to me' and called me weak minded for letting these people get to me. I was just being honest but feel like its backfired and she'd rather I just shut up about it and attend regardless of this situation.

AIBU to not attend this social event?

OP posts:

SonicWomb · 21/04/2022 04:57

YANBU, tbh I’d probably have come up with another commitment I couldn’t possibly get away from but You’ve said it now

Aprilx · 21/04/2022 05:54

I don’t think you needed to tell her that you weren’t going because of other invitees, that is not fair and putting her in a spot. But if you don’t want to go, don’t go and deal with any fall out.

Shoxfordian · 21/04/2022 05:57

Its not unreasonable but you could go and not talk to them; how many of them are there? Does she know what happened with them all?

Player001 · 21/04/2022 06:00

You do not need to do anything you do not want to do. You do not need to apologise for it and you do not need to explain. If your friend is whining selfishly about it you are allowed to ignore her.

I wouldn't want to share space with my bullies either.

P.s. I wish I'd known all of that when I was younger!

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 21/04/2022 06:01

Yanbu, your friend is

ShoveItUpYerArse · 21/04/2022 06:05

Does she know how badly these people treated you in the past? If so, expecting you to put up and shut up isn't very kind.of her. She said you were weak minded but presumably didn't describe the bitches in such negative terms. Is she really a friend?

DrierThanANunsNasty · 21/04/2022 06:14

In situations like this I would actually WANT to go with my head held high, because fuck anyone who thinks their petty, nasty comments will stop me from having a good time. Not being there just gives them more reason to gossip or think they’ve ‘won’ by pushing you out.

However, you are also not unreasonable for not going. No one gets to dictate whether you should or shouldn’t go and what your ‘friend’ said is manipulative nonsense. As some wise MNetter once told me… it’s an invite, not a summons

So have some conviction in your decision, be firm but fair with your friend, and if she continues to be spiteful then get rid.

Moochio · 21/04/2022 06:27

I didn't attend a wedding reception for similar reasons. I went to the ceremony but couldn't face any more. The bride (my friend) completely understood.

TalkingCat · 21/04/2022 07:27

YANBU Your friend sounds like a total bitch if she thinks so little of your feelings. I would NOT go. Full stop. And I would be reconsidering the friendship with your friend. She doesn't sound like she cares about your feelings.

Original poster

elzober · 21/04/2022 08:01

Thanks for your comments everyone. She knows what happened and how much it upset me so part of me thought she'd be expecting me to decline. She seemed to understand at the time but now she acts like Im over sensitive and childish about it. I agree the whole thing is a bit high school and silly but I didn't start it or go looking for any of it. It was them

OP posts:

pictish · 21/04/2022 08:17

You’re not obliged to attend any social event where you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable.

I have a recent and comparable event to go on. My friend’s 50th birthday afternoon tea is on Saturday, organised by a mutual. She has invited a couple of women who treated me very poorly three or four years ago. My friend knows the story and offered me a sympathetic get out straight away, which I took.
She’s a good friend.

pictish · 21/04/2022 08:18

Sorry should clarify, the mutual invited these women not my friend.

Original poster

elzober · 21/04/2022 08:27

Yes that sounds like a good friend - she understands you'd be uncomfortable and doesn't want to put you in that position. I would do the exact same if roles were reversed and my friend was reluctant to attend an event. I'd want people to feel comfortable and happy not forced to attend at all costs.

This whole thing is making me question the friendship tbh. She's also getting increasingly friendly with this gossipy group now and I don't want to get in her way if that's what she wants but I don't want to be around them much so perhaps its best to start to distance myself

OP posts:

pictish · 21/04/2022 09:41

Maybe so. The lure of a social group is very compelling. In my experience most people will side with whoever offers them the most in terms of social status.

grapewines · 21/04/2022 10:15

Don't go and back away from her. No one who called me weak for setting a boundary would be a friend any longer.

godmum56 · 21/04/2022 10:17

grapewines · 21/04/2022 10:15

Don't go and back away from her. No one who called me weak for setting a boundary would be a friend any longer.

This....she doesn't aound like a friend to me. I'd be saying that I am too fucking old to be expected to be around the mean girls

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/04/2022 10:20

So you cant do this to her, but shes within her rights to do that to you? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Original poster

elzober · 21/04/2022 10:48

pictish · 21/04/2022 09:41

Maybe so. The lure of a social group is very compelling. In my experience most people will side with whoever offers them the most in terms of social status.

Very true, I've noticed this too. A few years ago I was more of the nucleus of a social group that this friend (and some of the gossipers) were part of and I noticed people were around a lot more and wanted to be friends. Then I got divorced (he was abusive but many incorrectly assumed there was cheating) and it was a bit of a social fall from grace and I realised many supposed friendships were fairweather and flimsy. The social centre has now shifted to this gossipy group and that where my friend now focuses more time on. I know where I stand I guess

OP posts:

NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 21/04/2022 10:51

You deserve better friends than that @elzober

Original poster

elzober · 21/04/2022 10:52

godmum56 · 21/04/2022 10:17

This....she doesn't aound like a friend to me. I'd be saying that I am too fucking old to be expected to be around the mean girls

Show quote history

Exactly. I cant be bothered with drama and gossip. These aren't nice people and I'd rather spend my time doing something positive and peaceful.

OP posts:

Original poster

elzober · 21/04/2022 10:54

NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 21/04/2022 10:51

You deserve better friends than that @elzober

Thank you, I think you're right. I just wanted to check I'm not unreasonable here as I've been made to feel like terrible person

Time to find new friends I think

OP posts:

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