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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irrational Behaviour by Husband

14 replies

Iamanon55 · 20/04/2022 15:31

Not that it's an excuse but my 17 year old DS is under enormous pressure just now with exams coming up and totally kicked off this morning. My DD wanted a shower and he went completely mad because he wanted to get in before her so he could start studying. He shouted, called her names and messed up her room. All terrible behaviour which I know should be dealt with. However, I believe that my husband has totally overreacted, punched my DS in the stomach, messed up his room, told him he wouldn't pass his exams and called him terrible names (c word being one of them which I absolutely hate). My DS has tried to apologise countless times but my husband is not having it. My husband has just come down and said to me that he is prepared to live in the same house as my DS but won't interact or acknowledge him anymore and this is not just for a few days but forever. I have said that I cannot live like that and that if that's the way he's going to act then he needs to leave. He has said that he won't leave because he pays the mortgage (he has a much better, well-paid job) and that if I can't accept the way he's going to live from now on, then I need to leave and take my DS with me. This is one in a long line of incidents like this and I don't know if I can take much more. I have nowhere to go, no-one to speak to and I don't know what to do. I can't afford to rent or buy anywhere myself so will have to live in an unhappy marriage with a husband who is acting like a complete and utter p**k. This has totally overridden everything bad that my son has done. I don't know what to do, I'm desparate, I honestly feel like ending it all but can't put my kids through that. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Annoyedandirritated · 20/04/2022 15:33

Is he your sons dad?

SoggyPaper · 20/04/2022 15:34

Call the police and report the domestic violence against your son. They’ll make your husband leave.

Fairislefandango · 20/04/2022 15:34

Dear god - he punched your ds in the stomach?! That's serious. I'd be telling him to get out or I'd be calling the police. He sounds unhinged.

KitKattaktik · 20/04/2022 15:36

Call the police. Your husband (presumably not your DS's father) has assaulted him.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 20/04/2022 15:37

You need to leave. Otherwise your children will leave as soon as they can and this will damage your relationship with them.

He was physically and verbally abusive to someone not yet an adult. He is an utter disgrace.

Your DS's bad behaviour is clearly being taught to him by your DH. Your poor DD.

Speak to Woman's Aid about leaving. They can advise you better than many on here.

merryhouse · 20/04/2022 15:37

Call the police.

He doesn't get to decide whether he's "prepared to live with" someone he's just assaulted.

gobbynorthernbird · 20/04/2022 15:38

YABU for having not already called the police. Your poor kids.

Fireflygal · 20/04/2022 15:40

You can file for divorce - uncomfortable to live in but there will be an end in sight.

How has your daughter reacted? Perhaps if everyone is again your H he will consider le.

Butfirstcoffees · 20/04/2022 15:40

That's horrific. He is abusing your son and then your son, in turn is abusing his sister.

Whilst connected, you need to treat these separately. I would call the police if my dp hit my son. I ha e left an abusive marriage and had yo live somewhere shit. It's better than being in the marriage and will also be better for your kids. Decide how you are dealing with your husband. He doesn't get to just keep the house, you are married. Unless it's a very short marriage it's likey you will get something from the divorce.

Then you need to deal with your son. Your husbands behaviour hasn't over ridden what your son did. Your dd is his victim. You can't just forget that he abused her, because your husband abused him. But it obviously needs dealing with differently. I am guessing this isn't the first time your husband has abused your dh, that's probably impacting his behaviour. But what he did to his sister isnt ok, either.

I am so very sorry this has happened. It must be painful to deal with.

NutCheeseBag · 20/04/2022 15:42

Make two calls. One to the police and one to a charity that supports abused women and children. This behaviour from your husband is utterly unacceptable and must not be tolerated. Get him away from your son, who is being affected by being in the house with your husband as you can see by his mirroring the awful treatment of you in his behaviour towards his sister. You must stop this cycle of misogyny now.

PriestessofPing · 20/04/2022 15:46

Jesus, abs this isn’t the first time? Your son is being abused by what sounds like his step-father. This is heartbreaking to read, I don’t know how you can stomach it, are you totally numb or something after years of this?

10HailMarys · 20/04/2022 15:46

How old is your DD?

And are DS and DD both your husband's children?

Your husband absolutely should not, under any circumstances, have hit your DS or called him a cunt. That's not up for debate. It was totally wrong of him and totally unacceptable.

However, is your DS consistently as awful as that to his sister? Or was that a one-off? Because it's also totally unacceptable for a 17-year-old, pressure or no pressure, to react like that over a shower 'so he could start studying'. For a start, he could get his books out and start studying while his sister was in the shower. He doesn't need to smell fragrant to revise. Teenagers have rows, obviously, but he's only a year away from being an adult and he shouldn't be behaving like that, ever. If this is typical behaviour for him then I can see how your husband might be reaching the end of his tether and losing the plot, especially if your DD (who appears to have done nothing wrong) is being bullied and having her room trashed by her brother.

Clearly, it's not remotely sustainable for your husband to ignore your DS forever, so he's being ridiculous - but I wonder if there's a pattern of behaviour from your DS that has made him hard to live with?

Again, doesn't excuse your husband getting violent with him, of course. But if he's at the very end of his tether and feels your DD is suffering from your DS's behaviour long-term, I can see why he might be thinking about leaving.

CookieSue222 · 20/04/2022 15:47

If my husband ever hit our son the door would hit his (husband's) arse so fast he wouldn't know what day it was. Totally unacceptable.

10HailMarys · 20/04/2022 15:48

Just to add - if your DS's behaviour is consistently awful like this, then it's very clear that he learnt that from your husband. What a terrible situation all round.

Agree with PP's re. Women's Aid or similar.

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