“Oh I could have done that!”

[Chelsea26]

If I hear this one more time from MIL I’m going to scream!

She’s a lovely lady and I don’t mind having her come and stay at all but honestly this drives me batty!

She was sitting out in the garden with a cup of tea, I came out with an armful of wet washing, just as I hung the last sock up she said “oh Chelsea, I could have done that?”
Later I’m making lunch and start to set the table, just as I lay the last thing down “oh I could have done that!”
“BUT YOU DIDN’T, DID YOU DORIS SO I HAVE!”

Just to be clear I don’t mind her not doing things, it’s my house and I’m happy to do the jobs. I just don’t know why she needs to say it all the time! Grrr!

AIBU??

Sounds like she feels a bit guilty for not helping when actually she isn't obligated to. Just say you're a guest that's not your job!

Ha! I get this from my MIL. I think it's so she seems helpful without helping. I'd rather she just admitted she can't be arsed.

Only half do something. And when she thinks your finished and says she would have done it, tell her there's more if she wants to.

My husband likes that one. Drives me crazy.

Have you tried saying 'Would you mind doing x so I can get on with y?' She might well want to help but be worried about not doing things the way you prefer.

Have you tried asking her to help, sounds like she wouldn't mind helping out. But yes definitely annoying.

My MIL will ask "Do you need any help?" just when everything has been done. She never had any intention of helping with anything, believe me.

I read this as she not really feeling like helping or going to the trouble of doing those things and feeling guilty about it at the same time.

My mum used to do this, and in her case it's because she genuinely wants to help but also doesn't want to look like she's interfering by stepping in - plus, when she was my age it used to drive her mad when my two nans used to get under her feet trying to 'help' in the kitchen, so she's wary of being that person!

She used to say 'Anything I can do, love?' and I'd invariably say no because I wanted her to relax and put her feet up, so then she started saying 'I could have done that!' afterwards instead and it transpired that she really did want to help and feels bad if she doesn't. Now I will happily just say 'Want a job to do, Mum?' and hand her some spuds to peel or something and she's happy as Larry

My dh does that, so why didn't you then?

My daughter's MIL takes it up a step. She will do the "oh, leave that, leave it! We'll do that later!" Come and sit down, have a chat! " quite insistently. To my daughter and to me if I start e. g. clearing the table after dinner. Needless to say, they never do get round to doing it later.

Could she be hinting that she wants to help but doesn't want to take over (which would be lovely) and so is trying to get you to ask her to do the next thing rather than do it yourself?

Doris, would you lay the table for us while I get the washing in please?

As @10HailMarys says, sometimes I think it's a prompt to say it's ok to ask them to do something. But sometimes I think it's looking like they're helpful without actually being so. The tell is how they react if you actually ask them to do something.

@Jobseeker19 😂tempted indeed!

I haven’t asked her for help as I genuinely don’t mind her not doing anything - I just wish she’d either just help or not help rather than pretend she wants to help! Our house is really open plan so she can definitely see me doing stuff before she says it!

@SilverDragonfly1 I’m fairly sure it’s not worry about not doing things correctly - I have very low standards and I’m not afraid to admit it! 😂

I lived with my MIL when we were temporarily homeless for a few months. I had a baby and a toddler and was on my knees with stress/childcare, far from home with none of my usual stuff or support. I didn’t have a break from 6am to 8pm. I could barely think 5 minutes ahead She played a lot of online bridge and wafted about. I was conscious of not wanting to be a bother. On our last day there, she said ‘if you ever wanted help, you only had to ask!’

she was of course right. I didn’t ask for help. I was unable to culturally, emotionally and was broken. She lived her life how she wanted and I intend to do the same if positions are reversed.