Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I leave now or continue to wait for the right time

21 replies

rudebuttrue · 19/04/2022 21:09

Iv posted before about this situation but I change my username regularly so as not to be identifiable.

7 years ago I had nothing, couldn't work (mixture of reasons) and had no real prospects. Decided to go back to Uni and managed to come out with a first class, now trained in a highly prestigious profession and just landed my very 'proper' first job. (Not a stealth boost- I was in care and a teen mum, met DH when I was 16).

Dh is older, nearly 10 years older and always been controlling. He has wanted more children (we have 2) but I have got the implant without his knowledge as I don't want to be trapped anymore. Me going to university was my way out. I don't believe he thought I could do it, and was shocked when I actually finished. I got a scholarship which paid for my professional training. Therefore, I didn't need to rely on him- it felt like he made it as stressful as possible. Despite this I passed (as awful as covid was it helped as I was at home and had time to study).

Fast forward to today and I get offered my first proper professional job. He isn't happy one bit. Got on moody, jealous and funny about me working with male members in the office. He has now tried twisting it around and blaming me because I told him I didn't need his money (£50) for new clothes as he didn't offer it to me with a good heart (he said it with a sneer) and I will make do with what I have.

I'm now upstairs with the dinner I ordered myself as a treat going cold downstairs. I don't know what to do, do I bite my tongue, use this job to get some money behind myself and then separate? Try and work it out? Or just end things now. Everyone around me is so happy for me except him! Worst of all, he tries to twist things so it's somehow my fault and I'm the one in the wrong?! (I know I'm not- I feel stronger (but more hurt) then ever.

OP posts:
Specialisedunit · 19/04/2022 21:10

End it now. There will never be a ‘right’ (perfect) time.

Congratulations on your successes Flowers

Sapphire387 · 19/04/2022 21:11

What are you waiting for? Financial reasons? It seems you have made your mind up to leave him. The sooner, the better, I'd say.

JanglyBeads · 19/04/2022 21:14

How do you think he'll react to you ending it?

If there's anything chance he might get violent or in some way try and stop you, do NOT tell him, just organise things quietly.

You might want to ring Women's Aid of another domestic abuse organisation to get some advice on leaving.

swampduck1 · 19/04/2022 21:16

Definitely end it.

Congratulations you have done amazingly well under the circumstances to achieve what you have. Grab it and go. Don't hold back... this is your chance.

I was in your position years ago and regret not doing it sooner.
Tough at the start but best thing I ever did. Freedom is priceless. I have a future now.

Original poster
rudebuttrue · 19/04/2022 21:17

I feel so so alone. He has been violent once (about 3 years ago) , we have been together 15 years. He isn't all bad, but he I felt so upset at his reaction today. All my family think he is great, they don't realise what he is actually like. He 'punished' me if I go ahead and do what I want. He will be 'off' and won't talk to me. It's covert rather than obvious control.

OP posts:
duvetdayforeveryone · 19/04/2022 21:21

Do you have enough money saved to pay for a deposit and rent your own property?

As another member said, do not tell him of your plans. After you move, do not tell him your new address.

LuaDipa · 19/04/2022 21:21

You have achieved so much in spite of him. You don’t need him dragging you down now. I would leave as soon as you feel able but don’t let him spoil this for you. You should be so proud of everything you have achieved.

duvetdayforeveryone · 19/04/2022 21:23

He sounds like a Jekyll and Hyde abuser. The worst kind. Out of the house he is a friendly best friend to others around him, then at home alone his dark side comes out to control you and put you down.

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/04/2022 21:43

I am a pragmatist....
Personally i would now set a date and have it in mind qnd work to that.
You will need a ££££ buffer and if he causes grief or you have childcare issues, your work will be much more understanding once you are "known" to them and have a track record with them (which given what you have achieved i honestly think won't be an issue for you. Btw, fucking brava!!! I know people who had much more fortune backgrounds and much more help/support who havent acheived this much. You achieved it despite your d(ickhead) husband dragging you backwards Cake for you)

So i would.... wait until you start the job maybe give it 6 months ish so aim to leave nov / early dec...you can have xmas with the kids and start the new year afresh.

Also do not tell him your real salary!!! Knock a few hundred off.
So pay in into your personal account then transfer whatever across to the joint or more likely his account Angry just say you have been put on emergency ta so you have been taxed at 40%... sadly ( despite your best efforts each month) payrole and hmrc cock it up... when he complains say dont worry you'll get a big rebate next april Grin

RandomMess · 19/04/2022 22:07

I'm also a pragmatist make your plans.

Keep your eye on the goal of a happy home for you and your DC.

BeerLoas · 19/04/2022 22:10

100% agree with @Totalwasteofpaper, whilst also shouting to myself “leave now!”

It’ll be hard starting a new job and trying to manage a separation at the same time. Don’t let him mess this up for you, so do the planning as above but if he gets so bad it’s impacting your work I’d say leave immediately. This job and all you’ve worked for is your ticket out to a MUCH bigger and brighter future.

Stealth boast all you want OP, you deserve it Flowers

Hankunamatata · 19/04/2022 22:13

I'd work a couple of months, get some cash together then leave

PatchworkElmer · 19/04/2022 22:21

I’d be getting my ducks in a row with a view to leaving in a few months.

hettie · 19/04/2022 22:23

You are a care leaver, which (statistically at least) means you've done an amazing thing against some really shitty odds/life circumstances. I don't know anything about your story but I guess you might not have had the best relationship models? But you've gone and given your self options and freedom. Your have absolutely done amazing and deserve the best life... Make decisions for you and your kids... He's not got your best interests at heart or he would be celebrating your amazing sucesss

TimeForTeaAndG · 19/04/2022 22:30

You met him when you were 16 and he was 26?! A vulnerable care leaver and an abusive adult.

Leave as soon as possible. You've done fantastically well to get yourself educated and a fantastic new job. He is not a nice person.

JanglyBeads · 20/04/2022 13:51

I think you need to speak to a DV advisor ASAP OP. He's been violent before, you are vulnerable, leaving is the most risky time for a woman in your situation.

Cherry55 · 20/04/2022 14:04

You sound smart and capable. Look what you have achieved!

Plan your leave for a few months time if you can stand it. @Totalwasteofpaper has the ideal action plan. Don't feel guilty, he's been horrid to you for years by the sounds of it.

Xpologog · 20/04/2022 14:11

i think you have to go at the safest time.
Controlling men who feel their controlling being challenged or slipping away can become violent.
It would be nice to be able to say give it 6 months, stash money away where you can, organise somewhere to live but that’s not always the safest thing to do. Judge the situation with your safety in mind.
And huge congratulations on your First, what a great achievement.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2022 14:15

The time to leave is the very first opportunity you can. If you can leave now, do it. You have to get away from this man.

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2022 14:19

duvetdayforeveryone · 19/04/2022 21:21

Do you have enough money saved to pay for a deposit and rent your own property?

As another member said, do not tell him of your plans. After you move, do not tell him your new address.

There are children involved so not quite that simple

thebeespyjamas · 20/04/2022 16:12

Do you think if you leave he will apply for a contact order?

This is an important part of decision making, it could make things very difficult for you.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page