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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unusually weak and selfish? What would you have done?

33 replies

compassionforpastself · 19/04/2022 17:52

I've noticed I am becoming really sad for my past self. I had quite a few challenges very young - didn't grow up with parents, serious chronic illness since childhood, depression and an eating disorder from late teens, the woman who brought me up and was 'mum' dying when I was 25.

All my twenties were hideous. I had zero idea how to look after my mum when she became ill when I was twelve. She looked after me so well, because I was ill...I didn't look after her I was a really fucking selfish teen - and then later I really didn't know how to make sure she saw the best doctors for example. I let her down big time. Maybe she would have recovered and lived a bit longer in a healthier state if I had been switched on enough to deal with things properly and ensure she had the best possible treatments?

I am still so guilty over this but now I also feel really sad and haunted at my own circumstances. It all almost drowned me.

My question is, am I being soft on myself to feel compassionate towards myself?

Was I just particularly weak and selfish to have sunk so badly for years like this? How would a normal person with good moral fibre have dealt with things differently?

OP posts:
AccommodatingAlice · 19/04/2022 18:26

You were a child. You could not be expected to know how to look after a poorly adult. Even as a young 20 something you wouldn’t know how to fight for the best medical care/Drs attention for someone. I still don’t know how to do this now & I’m in my 40’s!

Please don’t feel guilty over this.

Please speak to your GP and ask to be referred for some sort of counselling to help you deal with everything you’ve been through. You are not weak and selfish, I hope you can get some help with this and can learn to speak to yourself with kindness Flowers

BlackeyedSusan · 19/04/2022 18:43

Don't be so daft you numpty. You were a child. It's not a child's job to look after a parent. Give yourself a break. You were ill yourself too.

Please let the guilt go. There is no reason for it. I think pp's idea of counseling is a good one to give you an outside perspective of how well you have done. And readjust your faulty thinking about your childhood. (Not your fault, I bet due to circumstances you endured giving you the wrong ideas)

I bet you are acing it. Good luck.

DeyHuggee · 19/04/2022 18:45

You did not let her down, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about past events in our lives- how you feel is valid. That said, perhaps therapy or something would help you to come to terms with it and find a way to cope with those feelings so you don't carry them around with you?

Mabelface · 19/04/2022 18:49

You did the best that you were capable of at the time. She'll have known that you loved her.

Original poster
compassionforpastself · 19/04/2022 20:00

I don't know why I can't shake the terrible guilt, I know she would not wish this feeling on me in a million years.

But...at the same time, she was very short-changed and vulnerable. I was really mature in some ways but not in others.

Counselling is definitely on my list of things to do.

OP posts:
1AngelicFruitCake · 19/04/2022 20:02

You’re being incredibly hard on yourself. Most people haven’t been through half of what you have. Be proud of yourself x

Original poster
compassionforpastself · 19/04/2022 20:04

Actually, can anyone recommend a specific type of counselling for situations like this?

I feel like the guilt and failure to take good care of the person I loved most in the world, when they needed me most, has fundamentally stained me as a human. Logically I know that probably isn't true.

It was all just a series of impossible situations where there was not really any way for me to come through it unscathed. But never really acknowledged. That really messes with my head.

OP posts:
BeetyAxe · 19/04/2022 20:09

You have nothing to be ashamed about, you were a child and one who hadn’t had it easy. You sound like you were loving and that’s what matters. Be kind to yourself.

Flittingaboutagain · 19/04/2022 20:15

I want to give you a massive hug. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

I hope so much that one day you'll be able to look back and appreciate how absolutely shit the hand was you were dealt in your childhood and early life, and how amazingly you did to survive it.

Flittingaboutagain · 19/04/2022 20:16

Compassion focused therapy with a clinical psychologist would be great for you. Search the British Psychological Society register for someone who practises this therapy and check they are HCPC registered once you've have a contact. Many work remotely now.

Original poster
compassionforpastself · 19/04/2022 20:56

I haven't come across compassion focused therapy, but it sounds good. I really feel compassion is key even if it also feels at odds with "what I deserve". Will research it in my area.

OP posts:
Original poster
compassionforpastself · 19/04/2022 20:56

Thank you to all for replying btw, it is appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
compassionforpastself · 22/04/2022 21:38

Gosh, therapy is so expensive. I'm wondering if people who have had good experiences with it clicked with the first therapist they saw, or if they had to try several first to find the right one to work with?

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 22/04/2022 21:43

DD had some mh issues in her teens. Finding the right counsellor was a bit like buying new shoes. You have to try many before you find a comfy pair.

The counsellor she finally clicked with was through relate. They have branched out and they charge means tested fees.

Original poster
compassionforpastself · 22/04/2022 21:46

You have to try many before you find a comfy pair.

This bit makes me hesitate. Not only is it expensive, but feels depressing and almost humiliating to have to tell my story, as it were, repeatedly for possibly no gain at all.

I wish there was an algorithm that could predict exactly who the right therapist was but of course it doesn't work that way!

OP posts:
DaphneeBridgerton · 22/04/2022 21:59

Here are two quotes that have helped me greatly with regrets - I want you to really think about them both deeply…

”If you had known better, you would have done better. To know better and to not do better is to not know” eckhart tolle

”Everyone is doing the best they can from their own level of consciousness” deepak chop ears

They first is paraphrased a little but the sentiment remains.

Original poster
compassionforpastself · 22/04/2022 22:04

”If you had known better, you would have done better. To know better and to not do better is to not know” eckhart tolle

I feel this is slightly difficult to understand because sometimes you do know you are hopelessly failing and should be doing a better job...

However, when I look back I can sort of see that while in a way I knew I was failing, I did not have any real power to do anything much different at the time.

I did'nt have the experience that comes with more years of being an adult, I guess? And no money to explore things like paying for doctors second opinions.

Is that kind of what that quote could be interpreted to mean?

OP posts:
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 22/04/2022 22:06

There is therapy available through IAPT services which is free. Although it is short term. But there is a lot of self help stuff out there about self compassion which sounds like you could really benefit from. I hope it works for you.

Original poster
compassionforpastself · 22/04/2022 22:07

Then I think though wow you weren't a child - if you had been more mentally healthy, and had a decent paying job out of university then maybe you could have looked after mum properly.

Instead I just kept my own head above the water really. So unfortunately the truth of that is I was really selfish.

OP posts:
TheBolterdahling · 22/04/2022 22:11

Hi OP. I had very similar childhood to you. My mum poorly when I was in the last year of primary and had a horrific progressive disorder until she died when I was 30. Only child, mum single parent. I wasn’t always patient and I wasn’t always kind and actually deep down I was really angry for her for treating me like an carer. For example I went to live with a boyfriend at 16 because home was awful and she would discuss with me whether she should commit suicide while she did could. I didn’t give her my blessing and blamed myself for her suffering subsequently as I didn’t tell her I’d be fine. (Because I wouldn’t have been fine). I had SO MUCH GUILT. I had really good therapy around 5 years after she died and have forgiven myself now. I couldn’t grieve properly until I did. Find a therapist. I tried a couple before I found the right one, I knew after the first session it was the right one.

DaphneeBridgerton · 22/04/2022 22:26

It means that even if you THINK you knew better and could have done better, on the simplest level you obviously didn’t know any better. I know it’s quite simplistic and sounds like it could be used to excuse any type of behaviour… but that’s not really the point… it’s a bit spiritual I guess. Hope that helps?

PolitePlantPot · 22/04/2022 22:54

My Mum died when I was a teen. I was pretty horrible to her sometimes before she died (normal teen arguments) and sometimes I feel terrible guilt about it. But I know that she loved me and the last thing she would want would be for me to feel guilty. In fact the opposite is true, I'm sure the only thing she would care about would be me being happy and loving myself. The way I've always thought about it is that just because she's dead, it doesn't mean her love doesn't count, the only thing in the world that could have stopped her from being here with me, fiercely loving me, is death.

AngelaRayner4PM · 22/04/2022 23:10

What is the cost of showing yourself compassion?
What is the cost of not showing yourself compassion?
You don't have to punish yourself, you don't have to self flagellate to prove your love for your mother figure. You don't have to feel guilty to grieve. You don't have to beat yourself up anymore. It is Ok to choose to view yourself in the kindest way you can. It is ok to accept yourself exactly as you are, mistakes and warts and all.
It is ok to love yourself. It is ok to practice self care and self compassion. It is more than ok to let go of the past and let yourself be happy in your life. Please, do whatever you need to to free yourself from this heavy emotional burden you carry. You deserve happiness, peace and love

mycatisannoying · 22/04/2022 23:13

Oh my word, I was a complete eejit at the age of 20, and pretty clueless about life in general! Please do not beat yourself up over this for a single second Flowers

ThreeLocusts · 22/04/2022 23:52

OP, I agree with pps you're being hard on yourself. Shockingly so. Yes a twelve year old can be mature in some ways, but not possibly to the extent you're expecting of yourself.

I ended up mothering my mother, broke off the relationship brutally, still struggle to be patient with her now that she is getting senile. I feel like I'm failing her too, so I see where you are coming from. But you were a child.

Maybe part of it is really grief? I still miss the way my mum was before abusive men got to her. It feels as if you'd lost her even before she died, iyswim. Maybe your mum's illness did similar.

There's a kind of therapy called EMDR, worth googling. It's shit therapists are such a mixed bag, but you'll know quickly if one is right for you. Just trust your gut.