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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to be with him AND go away?

5 replies

Tandinton · 19/04/2022 17:37

Looking for some perspective here please.

I came out of a long term toxic relationship in January last year, to the point where I changed a lot about myself and compromised a lot. Since leaving I promised myself that I would never, ever let someone stop me from doing something that I wanted to do.

In the last few months of the relationship I started thinking about visiting another country on my own - it was my escape. I dreamt of getting up when I want to, eating breakfast, lunch, dinner watching the world go by and walking alone in nature. When I eventually left my ex I started thinking about going on this trip away - only for 2/3 weeks but on my own, walking and enjoying the sites of a new country.

Unexpectedly a few months after the separation I met someone. We hit it off so well. To the point where I didn't know I could feel this level of desire, passion, and emotional connection with anyone, as well as having the same interests and hobbies. The last few months have been amazing and I am excited for the future with him.

I still would love to do the trip. I know that I would love his company and know we'd have a great time together, but in my head I keep thinking I should perhaps do it on my own, just for 2 weeks (to get this escapism and dream out of my head). I think going from one relationship to another within a few months I still think I should go on my own.

I mentioned it to him, and whilst he hasn't said don't go, he isn't supportive. He says he thinks he would find it strange if I went without him but would never stop me. He feels that if it were him he would want me to be there and experience it together. We haven't argued about it, just had a discussion about this.

I get his point and see this, but I'm not going to escape him, it's to experience this for myself. And just to add, he isn't able to have 2 weeks off work at a time.

What do you think? Now that I am with him would it be strange to do? I've not long turned 40 and don't need any drama in my life. I don't know whether I need to suck this up, or make him understand. I worry what he would feel, or what others would say if I did go. I am very happy in my life but I can't seem to shift the thought of just doing it and getting it over and done with.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 19/04/2022 17:58

Someone you've only known for a few months and who can't take the time off to go with you still doesn't want you to go away for a few weeks by yourself?
Quite honestly, I'd not even want to go on a longish holiday with someone I'd only just met.
Stick to your original plan. You are an independent woman. If your boyfriend doesn't like this, maybe he's not as great as you thought.

Tandinton · 19/04/2022 18:18

Thank you for replying.

This is what I keep coming back to...I am independent and I should be able to do what I want. Even if I was in a long term relationship and wanted to take myself off for a few weeks then I should.

I think he is struggling with it because he wants to experience everything together. I understand that and I want to share a lot with him. I just feel like I'm already betraying the promise to myself if I give in to this.

He isn't making me feel guilty for wanting to go, I just don't think he quite understands.

OP posts:
twopoes · 19/04/2022 18:26

The thought of someone wanting to experience everything with me makes me shudder.
I don't want this with my partner of many years let alone someone I barely know.

Do the trip, ditch the possessive bloke.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/04/2022 18:30

mentioned it to him, and whilst he hasn't said don't go, he isn't supportive. He says he thinks he would find it strange if I went without him but would never stop me. He feels that if it were him he would want me to be there and experience it together.

Someone you’ve been with less than a year doesn’t want you to go on a 2/3 week holiday?! Sounds like you’ve bounced from one crap boyfriend to another!

DoryExploring87 · 02/12/2022 19:33

I thinks it’s fair for him to voice his thoughts and feelings, as you’ve been open with him. Having said that, you don’t know him long enough and time with yourself is what you definitely need after being in a long-term relationship. I previously underestimated the importance of having the mental space to reflect, think and assess my feelings and what I want in life. When I got the chance to do it, it changed my whole perspective on life. If he understands you and cares for you enough, he will support you to do it. Whether he understands it or not. You are your own person! Go away without him and if he’s the right man for you, he’ll still be around when you’re back x

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