Is this alcoholism?

[chipsandfish43]

Becoming increasingly worried/frustrated with my mum and her drinking habits.

For context she has always been a drinker both socially and at home. I remember when she and my dad briefly split when I was younger that she drank heavily and would have friends round to drink too.

Over the years whenever anything has gone wrong or times have been hard she has drank her way through it.

We very sadly and unexpectedly lost my dad a few years ago and since then it has become a lot more often. I suspect pretty much daily drinking, certainly a lot more often than not. Sometimes on her days off she'll drink in the mornings. When she's working she will have a drink as soon as she gets in. She does still manage to work, keep a clean and tidy home and so on so I don't think she truly believes she's doing anything wrong. But some of the things that are making me think this has descended into dependency are:

Choosing to stay home alone and drink when she has been invited to do things with family or friends.
Drinking early in the morning.
Slurring words.
Becoming spiteful and passive aggressive when drunk to the point where a couple of her friends have fallen out with her.
Being quite bitter, resentful and negative about other people.
Not steady on her feet.
Doing and saying bizarre, out of character things.
Not realising how obvious it is to others than she's under the influence.
Becoming defensive and denying she's been drinking even when she clearly has.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and already have a dc who she used to look after quite a lot. The way she is at the moment I don't feel confident leaving dc in her care. She wouldn't drive or put them at risk in any way but it just doesn't sit right with me. I've said this directly to her and she bats it off saying things like 'don't be so silly I'd never put them at risk.' I genuinely don't think she sees an issue with drinking even if they're there because she still views herself as being totally in control.

We have had some rows about it and it always comes back to the same thing - my dad dying her alcohol helping her cope. I told her how messed up that is and in the long run it'll be making her feel worse. But having always turned to booze in times of trouble I can't see her changing her ways now, especially after such a big loss.

I am gutted, worried, frustrated and feel like I need my mum but she's not just present once she's had a drink. Does this sound like alcoholism? Is there anything I can do?

This happened to my mum when my dad was diagnosed with dementia and it got much worse after he died. Your mum is using alcohol to cope with her life and that is never a good idea. She is certainly using alcohol in a dysfunctional way.

There's nothing you can do about it, however. If she doesn't want to use healthier coping mechanisms, you cannot make her. All you can do is keep your DC safe, not engage with her when she has been drinking and live your life. It's hard.

Alcohol killed my mother in the end.

I’m sorry but she is an alcoholic and, to be brutally honest, there is nothing you can do. You could try talking to her and telling her but basically
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

The only person who can help her is herself. You can suggest that she talks to her GP who will be able to give her advice but she has to want to change and alcoholics only seek treatment when they are at rock bottom and that is much lower down than you might imagine. Someone I know went to The Manor in Southampton for four weeks and that helped get them on the right path.
You will have to tell her that she can’t look after your baby.

It is so hard because when she's sober she is lovely to be around. Very reliable, loving and helpful. But drink changes her and always has done. She has always drank fairly excessively but I am noticing it a lot more now and her mood, personality, behaviour, relationships and I suspect physical health are all suffering for it.

I know the go-to answer here is 'distance yourself' but that would be hard too. We speak pretty much daily and are each other at least 3-4 times a week. I just wish she could see that this isn't helping her and will cause more issues in the long run.

Speaking with her is fine. Being at hers is fine. But do consider putting in some boundaries: if she is drunk when you arrive, turn around and leave. Tell her why you are doing this. Alcoholics do not change unless they start seeing that their choices have consequences. So tell your mum she is welcome at yours - but only if she is sober. She will deny, deflect and minimise - tell her you will not listen to any of that. You are not stupid, you can tell when she has been drinking.

All of it can be calm and civil from you. And if she becomes other than civil, you walk away. It isn't easy, but it is necessary.

I would suggest you seek support from an organisation that provides support for families of alcoholics. Just paste the bold section of this post into Google and you will find the relevant page of alcoholchange.org.uk - it has a list of organisations. If Al-Anon isn't for you (it isn't for me either) there are other options. You can also look locally - your council, CAB, branch of MIND or Turning Point may all know of local groups that can help. Having support is invaluable in helping you deal with the feelings of guilt and sadness that come with your situation.

Yes your mum is an alcoholic

Sorry. It's tough

Good Advice above

Thank you for the advice. I have looked into Al-Anon but there is nothing local to me. I had hoped there might be some sort of online forum but no. I will look at some of the other resources listed.

I find it very hard to be around her when she's drunk and I get immediately annoyed when I see her and can tell she's been drinking. I should leave at this point but I end up feeling guilty and stay. She's not always terrible to be around but I just think why? Why are you making the choice to get half cut in the middle of the day? She doesn't seem to feel any embarrassment of the stupid texts she sends or the crap she writes on social media. Her behaviour is bizarre sometimes, other times she just keeps to herself. Either way it is probably causing her a lot of physical problems as well as not helping her mental health and anxiety.

I have tried to encourage her to come out with me for walks or to take up a new hobby with her friends. They do aerobics and Pilates etc. but she is set in her ways and I can't see her actively making any changes that could improve her life so the cycle will just continue.

All you can do is put in boundaries around what you will and will not accept in her presence and then stick to them. This is about finding a balance between giving you a little more peace of mind and not shutting out your mum if you want to interact with her. You do need to protect your DC - they do not need to see their grandmother drunk, it's damaging.

I'm sorry Al-Anon aren't available in your area and I hope you find alternative local options. Above all do not feel bad about putting yourself and your DC first. You are the only ones you can save here.

She became depressed after the death of your father and turned to drink. If she isn’t ready to address her drinking, would she be willing to focus on her depression instead?

She’d have to be honest with the gp about her drinking if she gets medication with/instead of talking therapy. She might also be open to self help content (books, YouTubers, meetings…) about grief rather than alcohol. It won’t stop her drinking but might pave the way to addressing and reducing her drinking.

I have been through this with my own mother for a number of years.

Anyone who regularly drinks in the morning is absolutely an alcoholic in my opinion. Holding down a job and keeping a clean and tidy home is NOT an indicator of not being an alcoholic.

So sorry .

I couldn't read and not respond to you having had so many difficult years with my Mum and alcoholism...

From my experience getting support is so hard, and it only goes on way (the wrong way)... I realised I was enabling her by allowing it to continue and not allowing her to realise her problems and reach rock bottom... it also helped me to see her alcoholism as an illness and not to blame her but that for the problems... she eventually did reach rock bottom and after failed attempts with local GP/support we got her in private rehab and she's 3 years sober... behind every alcoholic is pain and that pain needs to be dealt with...

I would let her know you're there for her but she has to deal with issues and you're with her when she's ready. It's so hard and I give you my love and support x

I have suggested seeing the doctor and she did get anti depressants at one point not long after my dd died. But she never took them. She is very resistant to going to the doctors anyway so the fact she went at all felt like a miracle at the time. But nothing came of it. She has been having grief counselling which has recently stopped but ironically she would drink during or after these sessions (they were online on over the phone) presumably because of the painful emotions they were dredging up.

Getting someone to engage with medication or counselling is so, so hard. I tried it with my mum, but she was of the generation that didn't believe in all that mental health stuff. My mum didn't really engage with it either and just kept drinking.

into Al-Anon but there is nothing local to me. I had hoped there might be some sort of online forum but no

Op there are Al Anon meetings online.