AIBU to be unhappy

[LaundryRooms]

I'm in a very privileged position, financially secure so I only 'need' to work part time, and I have my full health. I'm not depressed but I feel so lonely. I'm married and it's been a really tough few years. DH is depressed and gets overwhelmed easily and isn't good at helping himself.

If I leave, I worry he'll hurt himself. The marriage has nothing 'bad' about it apart from lack of intimacy and he has no life of his own, and this doesn't seem like a good enough reason to divorce. I should focus on what I have and be grateful, right?

Noooooo! He won’t hurt himself.

Get a divorce and enjoy your life, don’t let him weigh you down.

The lack of intimacy sounds brutal, don’t resign yourself to such an empty life.

Don’t be lonely, there’s plenty of folks here to support you.
Build a life for yourself to divert you outside your home? Voluntary work, gym, classroom assistant, gardening? Anything really which appeals, you might have to make some false starts but you know best where your skills lie.
If you have admin skills train to help others in a back room role. Citizens Advice, Women’s Refuge charity?
The world won’t come to you (to ease your loneliness) you must go to the world.
I’m sending a hug & best wishes.

don't be a prisoner! and staying out of guilt is worse for both of you.

I really worry he'll do something stupid :( He thinks I'm all he has, as he's let all his friendships fade away. He sees no one, doesn't do any hobbies and only gets out to work part time. I dread him coming in the door. He's a nice person, he deserves better than me being so unhappy.

The zero intimacy/romance/affection is the hardest, but it's my fault for thinking it would ever get any better.

We are good at talking things through but then he promises things (for example, I asked him a few years ago to book 1 surprise meal out a year for us, just one, at a nice restaurant. I said it would mean a lot to me. He then suggested Wetherspoons for lunch the next day, I felt a deflated but thought 'well, he's making effort' so i went, but he's not done it since. It's always down to me to think of it and book something, and now I can't be bothered.

@Giveitall

Don’t be lonely, there’s plenty of folks here to support you. Build a life for yourself to divert you outside your home? Voluntary work, gym, classroom assistant, gardening? Anything really which appeals, you might have to make some false starts but you know best where your skills lie. If you have admin skills train to help others in a back room role. Citizens Advice, Women’s Refuge charity? The world won’t come to you (to ease your loneliness) you must go to the world. I’m sending a hug & best wishes.

Thank you so much for your reply. I would really love to build more of a life (definitely the gym and volunteering really appeal), I just feel so selfish and guilty as DH finds it very hard being home alone.

Every time I walk out the door it's like I'm abandoning him and he just waits until I return. :(

Oh OP, you are not responsible for his happiness.

Please make the break now and don’t waste more years.

You never know, it might be the kick up the bum he needs to make his own life.

How long have you been married?

@returntoUK

Oh OP, you are not responsible for his happiness.

Please make the break now and don’t waste more years.

You never know, it might be the kick up the bum he needs to make his own life.

How long have you been married?

We've been together for 10 years, and married for 5. I had doubts before we married but my DM very much encouraged me to ignore the doubts, she said he doesn't drink or gamble, is trustworthy and a nice guy and no one can do better than that. I felt like I should be lucky someone wanted to marry me.

There is nothing lonelier than being in an unhappy marriage. You would be better off single.

Plus the longer you stay married to him the more you will be expected to support him financially.

But the strings and make the break.

I was just going to say the same as @returntoUK I was far lonlier with my ex of 30 years than I am single!

I had a lot of the same issues including his mental health and worried he would harm himself....... He didn't, he was too selfish to do that!! Wish I'd divorced sooner💐

How old are you both?

You have to take one step, join the gym & go to a class. See what the consequences are....my guess is nothing will happen. Overtime you will build confidence.

Thank you for the replies it's really appreciated.

I'm 38 and he's 48. No children - I wanted them but he has fertility issues. I felt I couldn't leave for that either, although he didn't take medical steps to improve anything. Now I'm too old, I do feel slight resentment I've lost the chance to have a family :(

I thought you might be 50s or 60s!! 38 is young.

If you want children, do something about it. Donor? Don't sit back and watch the years pass you by. Take action today, one step to move forwards.. what can you do today?

😦 38 isn't too old for children! I know somebody who had a baby naturally at 52 (not that I'm recommending that and know not usual!) do something about it now before too late, I may regret my marriage but never the children it produced! If I was in that position now I would have a child alone by sperm donor if necessary.

You're not too old to have a baby!! But you can't do it while you're stuck with him! Leave, and go it alone if you have to with a sperm donor. Don't let him steal your chance to have a baby.

He sounds like an old dog, sad when you leave the house & just waiting for you to come home. This is not a proper relationship with an adult human man. 38 is not too old to have children. You deserve a life.

I keep having a reoccurring dream that I'm trapped in a house and I can't get out.

But DH is a nice guy (ex's were abusive) so I stay. I feel like I'm living the most boring, dull life imaginable; but is that my fault, not his? I feel too old to meet anyone. I've looked after myself, I'm sort of fit with exercising etc- average attractive but DH has never made me feel special. He wouldn't know how.

Thanks for reading my rants, it helps to get it out.

I’m afraid I’ll get this if things go according to -lan plan but I’ve had enough of carrying him,

If he's having mental health issues, no wonder there is no intimacy. Does he have anxiety attacks as well?

@catscatscatseverywhere

If he's having mental health issues, no wonder there is no intimacy. Does he have anxiety attacks as well?

He has generalised anxiety but not panic attacks (only once, when I suggested I take a few days break away by myself).

Intimacy has always been an issue of sorts, I thought it was because he found me unattractive the first few years we were together (I was overweight). So over the years I've improved myself a lot.

Now it's more me that doesn't feel any spark, with his depression he stopped looking after himself not washing and wearing the same underwear for weeks etc and (sorry this is grim) has issues he refuses to see the GP about because he's embarrassed, and it's not helped the attraction side.

I love him and care about him, but feel like it's a friendship now. The years of little romance/effort took a toll, I think.

Now it's more me that doesn't feel any spark, with his depression he stopped looking after himself not washing and wearing the same underwear for weeks etc and (sorry this is grim) has issues he refuses to see the GP about because he's embarrassed, and it's not helped the attraction side

You're so young. You could live another 40 years or more. You want this to be your life forever? Think of the baby you could still have.

OP, you are far too young to live like this. I would say that if you were 68 never mind 38. It's time your feelings and needs are considered. They are just as important as his. I would be separating, whilst making it clear I would support him if he wants to improve his life, whilst you do the same.

Is your DH being treated for his depression and/or anxiety? Or is he just burdening you with it without making any effort to get better ? If the latter, you must give him an ultimatum - he either gets medical help for all his issues, or you leave.

You have just one life, and it’s unfair to you that you are stuck in a joyless existence with someone who is so severely depressed that he not only neglects himself (doesn’t wash or change his underwear for weeks? That is seriously grim) but neglects you in every way. You feel that you are all that is keeping him afloat, but at what cost to yourself? You are sacrificing the remains of your youth, and unless your DH can get help you will go under with him.

I agree with everyone else on this OP. You only get one chance at life...why waste with someone you no longer have a real love for and someone who is also depriving you of something you clearly want, children!
38 is also far from too old by the way but if children is really what you want then you need to make some changes now.
I know what your situation is like as I've felt trapped before in a loveless relationship - he felt more like a brother than anything else. I felt that because he was a nice person I should probably just stay with him rather than risk ending up alone. But I couldn't have been more wrong and leaving was the best decision I ever made!!

Just picture yourself in the future and what you really want from life. If you feel this way now just imagine how miserable it will make you further down the line. Everyone deserves happiness and the feeling of fulfilment so please don't settle for anything less.