To feel like the most unpopular person in most social groups

[RubyEmma212121]

This is a feeling I have had most of my life tbh but since the pandemic etc and having 2 babies during this time I feel like it has been highlighted even more.

I have 2 supposed best friends and both have distanced themselves I feel since I've had children (they have their own). Rarely like any pics I put up of them on social media and I have acquantices who are friendlier and warmer towards me and my children.

I also joined an nct group and felt like my msgs were not responded to as much and when it came round to the babies 1st birthday hardly anyone wished my ds a happy birthday until prompted but did for the others.

Has anyone else experienced or felt like this? Do you feel it is a jealousy thing? Or just that I'm not seen as queen bee as the others?

Since having kids I barely have time for socialising but would still like to feel included and cared about.

I admit because of covid and being pregnant with a baby I couldn't attend every meet up or social event. Do you think friends should of been understanding of this or are right to now not include or bother with me as much?

AIBU?

So sorry you are feeling like this. I've had the same since early childhood. Never figured out if I'm doing something wrong but I think someone would have told me by now. I'm lucky to have a wonderful dh and 2 kids and I know he wouldn't settle for someone he thought deserved to be treated like nothing. I've seen a lot of similar posts on here by women who have this issue, it's probably a lot more common than we realise. I think finding the right friends can be a lot like finding the right partner, maybe even harder. For some people it never happens. Over the years I have had experience of being part of a big group of girls and I hated it. My face just didn't fit. The groups always seemed to bond over leaving one girl out. Sometimes it was me, sometimes someone else. When the odd one out is out of the picture there'll be another suddenly wondering what's gone wrong. Hen nights or hols are typical for this. I am talking years ago though so I would hope they'd be a bit more sensible by now. Saying that I've seen posts on here from women in the 50s and it's still happening to them. I am lucky to have two very close friends and am very grateful for them. If I were you I would forget the ones that leave you out and focus on more healthy relationships with family. I remember feeling manipulated by Health visitors and midwives to join mum and baby groups to make friends with other mums. It felt unnatural to me and all a little bit contrived. I was there so my kids could have fun really, that's all. I know it easier said than done but try not to focus on it. If these people make you sad then they really aren't worth it.

Yes I've felt like this at times, perhaps more keenly since the birth of my second child. Thing is friendships do take work. Occasionally you find someone you really click with and that is great, but the rest of the time you have to make time for socialising if you want to be social. I find focusing on how friends are doing and asking about them and their lives helps me to shift my focus. Alternatively apps like peanut and Facebook local groups can be great places to meet new people.

I know this isn't social media, but you worry about pics that aren't liked enough you'll go insane. I'm sure this will fall on deaf ears but you should stop posting altogether.

*isn't about social media

I feel like this sometimes - just overlooked. I'm in a WhatsApp group and often notice that someone else posts something banal and every chimes in with comments. I might post something exciting and just get ignored. Oh well, I try to rise above it because I'm 47 and don't want to feel like an insecure school girl again. I think people often gravitate towards a certain type of person - usually confident, outgoing people. I'm quiet and probably seen as dull compared to others (although I'm not!). Try not to take it to heart OP.

Yes, I feel like this and have done since my late 20s. NCT group I was the odd one out as my DH was unemployed and they were all younger professional could. Then, I went back to work full-time after 5 months, so they continued meeting regularly while I couldn't for the remaining 7 months of maternity. Which isn't their issue, but it did mean I never got that close to any of them.

I have two very good friends but I've come to realise that I may consider them my best friends, but they don't see me the same way. It's kind of an empowering feeling, albeit a bit sad.

I think my Asperger's traits make me socially a little awkward, which makes it hard to get close enough to anyone for them to see that I'm actually (in my opinion!) good fun. People are put off by things I might do or say that I think come across as rude, when I really don't mean them that way. So I am trying harder now in interactions in the hope that I'll make some friends. I'm a bit lonely at the moment.

Sorry, OP, no advice, just solidarity!!

Generally, you get out of friendships / social groups what you put in. If you’re quite reserved / not very talkative / don’t interact or engage much then people will tend to respond to you in kind. “Queen bees” - which is a pretty disdainful term - are usually socially gregarious, talkative and engage with others a lot. They therefore attract more attention and friendship than those who sit on the sidelines and wait to be friended - which sounds like your approach.

@emsie12345 you are so right, thank you for your msg. I really agree that finding friends you connect with is like finding the right partner. Never thought about it like that before. Funnily enough I feel closer to some friends on the periphery of the group then those who are supposedly my best friends sometimes but find it difficult to take it to the next level without seeming over keen. Again, much like a romantic relationship.
My partner is also someone who wouldn't settle for someone who deserved to be treated as less so this comment has made me feel validated. Thank you.
Luckily I have two lovely sister in laws and am close to my mum. Sometimes it doesn't feel like enough (I know I am lucky to have these people) but I think I will focus on them and I do have a few other friends that I catch up with occasionally who make me feel accepted. I guess I am going through the transitional phase of shaking off the debris friendship wise and finding peace with what's left

@KatherineofGaunt sorry you are feeling lonely.
What kinds of things do you do or say that are considered socially awkward, if you don't mind me asking. Just wondering if any of it resonates with me.
I think having children and maintaining friendships is hard generally. I guess I see some mothers do it and crave that interaction too but also crave alone time. It's a tough one. I have 2 under 2. Perhaps it'll get easier once they're a little older

Depends on the people in the social group. I have found I am always “popular” in some groups and utterly invisible in another. Sometimes certain social group will isolate me, others will compete with me and out do me on everything, while another will absolutely embrace me and find me funny and kind.
It’s not you it’s them. Just find another group and drop people who you don’t get on with.

@fighoney definitely feeling it more since my second child too. Almost like 'you have everything you want now don't you, get on with it, bye'.
I will check these apps out, thanks!

@roastedsaltedpeanut THIS!! So bizarre isn't it

Since having kids I barely have time for socialising but would still like to feel included and cared about.

I admit because of covid and being pregnant with a baby I couldn't attend every meet up or social event

The thing is, if they are seeing each other and you are generally not there, their friendships are getting stronger while you become peripheral.

It sounds as if you are trying to maintain friendships through social media alone, instead of building friendships in real life which are then just reflected on social media.

If so it is not that they are rejecting you at all, just that you aren't available for active and sociable friendships at the moment.

As a PP says, finding a friend or friendship group is as hard or harder than finding a romantic partner. Some people are lucky to have found their “tribe” and others might not have.

I had the fortune to travel a lot in my youth and leave behind the friends of my home town, and experiencing making new friends with new people in different locations. It really opened my eyes to how you need to find people you really click with! I’d meet some groups on my travels and just feel like the total odd one out, would dread seeing them and all my jokes and personality would fall flat. And then I’d meet others and there would be an instant connection like feeling at home. It made me realise that you have to find that connection - and that’s really hard to do once life gets busy and kids come along.

So my point OP is don’t take it personally, you might just not have found your tribe yet. Focus on the relationships in your life that give you energy and make you feel nourished (vs awkward and drained), and know that there are friends out there for you! It might just take a bit of effort and luck to find them (similar to finding a nice DP/DH).

Also know that lots of people who might seem popular also often feel left out of things, I think it’s a universal feeling and you’d have to be a psychopath to really never feel left out/unpopular at times.

Yes shaking off the debris is a great analogy. I think most mums do this in some way or other unconsciously, it makes sense to clear out negativity to protect our kids. It might be somewhat painful but instinct is long term.

@TheYearOfSmallThings fair point. It hasn't been the easiest time to maintain active friendships with 2 under 2 both born in the pandemic where socialising was restricted and now I'm back in the newborn stage again. I guess I was just looking for more understanding but also still wanted to feel included not sidelined but I take your point

@allsorts1 love this msg, gives me hope, thank you!