AIBU mother is threatening NC

[1Step2Step]

My mother is in her 70’s, riddled with health problems and chronic mental health issues. She lives with my Dad and is a 12 hour drive away from me. She has always been very up and down and has had falling-outs with friends and family over the years. She appears to have high expectations on these friendships and then after awhile things boil over, she lashes out at them and then there’s no more contact.

We don’t have a close relationship. I’m a very quiet, introverted person who values my privacy and over the years have found proof that she is not someone I can talk to in confidence. An example (there’s many) … Years ago she crossed a line with me and had been gossiping about a work colleague of mine who had brain cancer. She knew people at the local hospital who knew this persons’ family. She was trying to get info about her condition (she didn’t know this lady at all) and was gossiping about her. It was the only time I called her a gossip and she shouldn’t have done that and I was very shocked at her behaviour. My mother got extremely defensive and agitated so I dropped it.

I have kept our chats very functional and light-hearted. Always send flowers for birthday and mother’s day etc. Tbh I am not a very exciting person. I am a SAHM/housewife , don’t get out much socially.

I called her over Easter for a catch-up. Tbh. She did most of the talking and a lot of it were stories she had already told me. After 40 mins I had to end the call quickly as my husband told me that some family were coming over unexpectedly for a visit and we had only been given 30 mins notice.

An hour later I received a rather dramatic and rude text telling me that our phone conversations were pathetic and she is not happy with how the conversation flowed , I don’t talk to her properly etc. She said she always finishes the call and has a cry and she no longer wants calls. I had a few wines by the time I read it but I just didn’t reply.

AIBU in not telling her why I’m that close to her , don’t confide in personal things? I honestly can’t be bothered with the drama it would create and it would no doubt upset her.

My brother had a go at her recently for telling everyone about his personal and health issues (it was very inappropriate and I was mortified for him that she was telling all her family and friends ). He had NC with her for about 3 months last year but they have kind of patched things up but it’s very stilted between them.

YABU = you should tell her
YANBU = let sleeping dogs lie

Going through a similar issue OP. Unfortunately makes no difference. They will insist that they’ve done nothing wrong.
My own parents went so far as to threaten suicide, etc etc. But they can’t see how their own behaviour contributed. Preferring to slag me off to everyone who will listen! Unfortunately they’re also ‘upstanding’ members of the community etc etc, nobody believes what they’re like behind closed doors. Especially their favouritism toward my sister.

I really don’t know what to do either. I’m just going to negotiate … seeing them once a month, make up unimportant rubbish to tell the but If that doesn’t work I don’t know.

Sending support

I’d simply text back BYE THEN MOTHER and block her. What keeps you in contact other than fear, obligation and guilt? You owe her nothing.

AIBU in not telling her why I’m that close to her , don’t confide in personal things? I honestly can’t be bothered with the drama it would create and it would no doubt upset her.

I think you instinct is good here. Save yourself drama that won't change anything and keep on as you are, keeping it light, and if she sulks and doesn't speak to you for a few months enjoy the reprieve.

@ClemDanFango

I’d simply text back BYE THEN MOTHER and block her. What keeps you in contact other than fear, obligation and guilt? You owe her nothing.

I’m not really vested in the relationship but I do feel an obligation as my child is her only grandchild. In saying that my mother makes no effort with them, rarely sees them and I’ve quietly stopped FaceTiming between them as she can’t can’t sit still and be in a conversation with them (she wanders off mentally or even physically) I do not want my child to notice this behaviour as they get older and think that’s normal or be upset and think it’s something they are doing wrong. My MIL is fantastic with my child in that respect.

Would it help you to see her bad behaviour as a mental health issue? Try and let it flow over you and ignore the unpleasantness? I'd perhaps offer a caring and sympathetic explanation to your child about 'Granny's Moments' and just keep contact as low as you can.

I'd respect her decision and stop calling her.

When she calls or messages you - and she will - that's when you remind her that she told you not to call her again.

I’ll never understand people being so keen to expose they’d children to toxic people like this.

What on earth will you child out if you maintaining this dysfunctional relationship?

YANBU.

Reasons are for reasonable people.

Nothing good would come of telling her why you have her on an information diet, let alone giving her details which she could pick apart or use against you.

You're doing the right thing having some boundaries but maintaining some contact with limited emotional investment.

Don't push back, you don't need the drama and she's unlikely to see the error of her ways and change at this point. No good would come of getting angry or lashing out in return.

You seem to be at peace in your own mind in terms of what she can offer and what you're willing to give in terms of time/information/energy. That's as good as it gets with people like this, well done.

I'd just keep doing what you're doing and let her simmer down. Are you familiar with the term 'grey rock'? It sounds like that's been your approach and it's one that works with challenging relationships.

Have you been on the relationship board here OP? Check out the stately homes thread.

TBH I would just leave it, not make contact in the near future, just let it lie.

When my dm flounced from my home I left her to it! 10 years of peace!! Then managed a year long relationship of sorts before I went nc. Been 10 years again and will stay nc this time. I am an only dc too.

*I'd respect her decision and stop calling her.

When she calls or messages you - and she will - that's when you remind her that she told you not to call her again*

This

I would text back “sorry you feel like that, if you change your mind, please give me a call”. Do you have a good relationship with your Dad, perhaps you can talk to him instead. Try not to take it personally, mental heath is difficult to fully understand.

Stop calling and stick to the flowers on mother's day and her birthday.
Better for both of you!
And for you. Everyone deserves a decent mother, not all of us are fortunate enough to get one.

You’re not obligated to maintain a relationship with people who are toxic in your life. So what if your child is the only grandchild? Your mother is reaping the results of her own behaviour.

Just don’t reply, leave the ball in her court and enjoy the peace.

@IncompleteSenten

I'd respect her decision and stop calling her.

When she calls or messages you - and she will - that's when you remind her that she told you not to call her again.

100% this.

I'd just carry on like you're doing - calling her but keeping the conversation light. Just ignore the text she has sent you (which will probably agitate her more, as people who do this want a reaction). My dm is similar, but I just think to myself that she must be a very unhappy bitter person, and I pity her, because if she showed just a bit of positivity and happiness in her interaction with me, I would want to spend time with her, but she moans about everyone and anything, and has driven away the few friends she had with her behaviour. But apparently it's never her fault, always someone else's. Just continue with your life, being happy, and set aside half an hour a week/two weeks to call her. If she starts being negative about her perceived view on your behaviour, just don't react and politely end the call.

To be honest, if she said she didn't want calls any more I'd reply "Ok then. So be it." Then stop phoning, calling by, doing any sort of interaction with her. Drop the rope.

She sounds like because she wasn't getting the information she desired (i.e. gossip) she has found you to be of little use to her in that respect so no longer wants to chat. When (rather than if) she contacts you again, you just simply reply "Well mother, I was respecting your wishes that I not contact you. It's very confusing what you're asking me here. Contact you/not to contact you. Please make your mind up so I know where I stand"

It also sounds like she is severing whatever contact she has with her family and while it's sad that she seems to be doing this with her mood swings, I'd just go along with it for the time being.

@Merry0ldGoat

I’ll never understand people being so keen to expose they’d children to toxic people like this.

What on earth will you child out if you maintaining this dysfunctional relationship?

She lives very far away and they’ve only seen the grandkid about 8 times and he is 7yo. I’ll get him to say hello to her on the phone and she will ask him how school is etc but she doesn’t really know him or spend time with him. I have never left them alone or had her childmind him.

True story - she took her neighbour’s child(think he was 7 or 8 yo) to the local community swimming pool and knowing he was a poor swimmer went off to do her usual laps and left him unsupervised. Said kid ended up near drowning and being resuscitated by the lifeguards, went to hospital etc. She told me this years after it happened (she has no remorse and blames him for not listening to her) but I thought at the time that I knew she couldn’t be trusted to look after her own grandkid.

Theres not actually a law that says you need to keep tolerating toxic people just because they gave birth to you, OP. No matter the age.
She sounds exhausting.
My own DM is a total horrorshow. I went NC for about 3 years once- was very peaceful. About to do it again

@Ivyonafence

YANBU.

Reasons are for reasonable people.

Nothing good would come of telling her why you have her on an information diet, let alone giving her details which she could pick apart or use against you.

You're doing the right thing having some boundaries but maintaining some contact with limited emotional investment.

Don't push back, you don't need the drama and she's unlikely to see the error of her ways and change at this point. No good would come of getting angry or lashing out in return.

You seem to be at peace in your own mind in terms of what she can offer and what you're willing to give in terms of time/information/energy. That's as good as it gets with people like this, well done.

I'd just keep doing what you're doing and let her simmer down. Are you familiar with the term 'grey rock'? It sounds like that's been your approach and it's one that works with challenging relationships.

Have you been on the relationship board here OP? Check out the stately homes thread.

Never heard of grey rock and I’ll definitely find that thread, thank you.

I guess all the decades she has been my mother has worn me down so I’m pretty numb to the relationship I have with her. She is toxic but not as bad as some other mothers. She had a very co-dependent relationship with my brother before he NC’d her. I was always the one to keep her at a distance as she is very emotionally draining. My Dad is very oldschool Brit - he doesn’t talk about his feelings and buries his head in the sand at any chance. I’m surprised they are still together after all these years but I do know she was checking out her options in the past (before she retired and needed Dad as her carer) . My Dad is very loyal and doesn’t like change so he just puts up with her.

If someone said my mum had ADD and was bipolar I would absolutely believe it. There are extremes of being so happy/ on a high to low points where she tells me she wants to overdose on her medication. These periods can last months or a few weeks. Mentally she has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety / panic attacks and depression but there are definitely other things going on with her that have never been resolved. Her mental health seemed to have become noticeable in her 50’s and has accelerated once she was in her 60’s. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve been geographically distanced from her for many years.

OP,
I wouldn't bother with drama of saying anything.

Respect her wishes that you not call without further comment.

Take this as an Easter gift.

How lucky you live so far away.

Just send her a message saying you will respect her wishes and not call anymore. But let other family members know that she requested NC, otherwise I suspect she will lie to them and claim she doesn't know why you are no longer calling.

My mum threatened to cut me off and never speak to me again. So I said that's ok with me very calmly. She sighed about a million times expecting me to say something else and I said, anyway I have to go have a nice time. That was three years ago. She's now telling everyone that she cut me off because I'm such a terrible person.
I cba. Life is too short. This was after years of her telling me if I didn't treat her like some kind of god I'd regret it because you only get one mum. I sometimes wanted to tell her I wish I had more than one mum because she's so rubbish at it all

You can never win against these people, my advice is to stop trying to. If you don't want to go nc just keep sending flowers and nodding nicely through a phone call. Let her be the decider of if she calls or not. Fill your life with happy things to remind you there truly is more to life!