Posting here for traffic… is it time to go non-contact?

[TheRussianDoll]

I have a big problem. Please, no judgement, just some gentle advice would be helpful.

I’m married. Nearly 60. Have one sister; we’re close. She has three grown up kids. I have one. My sister is single.

For as long as I can remember, her life has been utter chaos. I’m kind of “the sensible one”. Her adult children are involved with drugs, gambling (massive debts), violence, alcohol and with arrests for assault etc. Their partners are as bad. One has had her children removed by social services. They’re always claiming poverty and borrowing from her but never give it back. She works hard and is on a low income. She had the bailiffs at her door recently and she had to pay up, on behalf of her son who owes her a lot of money but has recently booked a holiday to Mexico!

I’ve listened to my sister for 20 yrs; tried to support her (as she has done for me). She’s lovely but a month ago, we had the most horrendous row. Not between us two but with her kids. It got very, very nasty as I was trying to protect my sister. It wasn’t my row I was just visiting for the day.

Now, as happens, her home situation has calmed down and they’re all “getting on again”. My sister doesn’t understand that I am not “back”. I said on the day of the row “I can’t do this any more; I’m too old and I need to move away from it”. I meant it. My husband has been really poorly. Needs to take early retirement.

Today, I phoned her, only to find she had a friend staying who is also fond of a drink, gets stroppy and abusive when drunk and has horrible racist views. She told me he was just “up for the weekend” and I reminded her of the fact that the last time he visited, he was so drunk and awful, she asked him to leave. The man also refers to “half wits and window lickers” (disabled people). I have a son with autism.

I came off the phone and was so, so upset. She’s my only living relative. I love her dearly but I absolutely despair and I’m not sure I can do any more.

What would you do? I want to have a relationship with my sister but am I unreasonable to say “enough” with her kids. And seriously, if I don’t engage with all of her “troubles” we’ll have little to talk about.

Life's too short for all this awful drama, at some point it's ok to draw a line and say enough 💐

You get one life!

Maybe it's time to put yourself first and your husband and make choices that benefit you. Any family issues or baggage will always be there, no matter where you live.
I come from a similar dysfunctional family, lots of brothers and sisters who none get on with each other at all. Our lives are very different and we all have different values, however distances between us all has been a great medicine over the years. When we meet up it's always quite nice and pleasant but it took us all to live our life's separately from each other to get there.

I haven’t dreamt about my own father for a long long time. He was a violent alcoholic. Years of domestic abuse. My sister always protected me.

I’ve started thinking about that time (a long time ago) and I guess I don’t want any more of it. Also, my son has ASD. He’s a very gentle soul. Polite, doesn’t swear, works, is a great young man and I’m proud of him. He’s clever, articulate. Doesn’t drink/smoke. He wasn’t with me the day it all kicked off; had he been, he’s have been terrified.

I just feel it’s time to distance and protect myself, my son and dh.

The other side of my family have connections which make the hair on the back of my neck stand up

It probably wasn't a good idea saying what you did about her friend as they were already there so it just looks lime you're interfering (for the right reasons). I would distance myself certainly in the first instance. I wouldn't be visiting but I would have phone calls, be non committal about the issues she raises and if that doesn'tmake it better then at least you tried.. Sadly your sister thrives of drama and being a victim- some people do. Take care
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@Itsbackagain Thank you.

I understand what you’re saying and in her own home, my sister can have her friends visit; she does not have to clear it with me 😊 But as I say, the last visit ended with my sister phoning me in tears as he had been drunk and verbally abusive. I also learned he’d been in prison for ABH. I told her my advice, “don’t have anything to do with the man”.

I feel like I’m banging my head on a brick wall.

Writing this down, (and the things I’ve described are the tip of the iceberg) has made me think that if I were a total outsider, looking in, I’d just say “step away. Do it now”.

Yes draw a line now and make your will very clear that that side of the family don’t get anything! In the future u can go back if things change? It must be so much mental space that is taken up by her stresses?

Thank you @Seabreeze18

Ironically, DH and I have drawn up amended Wills to incorporate my son’s inheritance being “looked after” on his behalf as he will not be able to do this himself. His asd means he will need guardianship. Obviously, we did not sign them as the solicitor appointment was three days following the almighty row.

We have to rethink everything. We don’t have a massive estate but if we both got squashed by a bus tomorrow, we’d have been leaving money for DS in the “care” of these people.

This is impossible now.