Friend won't tell me her side of the story

[myveryloudsun]

Our relationship started breaking down and before I knew it, completely collapsed. No argument or disagreement that I can pin it on.

I asked her for her side/opinion and she hasn't replied. Which is fair enough, that's her right.

I'm just left feeling like I don't know what went wrong in her eyes and have no chance of apologising if it was all my fault.

Of course I'll leave her alone and I'll get over it soon enough. Just irks me.

I know exactly how you feel. Ten years ago, the minute I had DS1, my friend just dropped all contact. She went from liking and commenting on every pic on Facebook and nightly text conversations, to nothing. I had a congratulations on his birth, excited and asking about the birth etc, all lovely. Then nothing. I continued commenting on her Facebook, but nothing in return. A few years later I decided to send her a message saying I missed her, sorry if I upset you in some way etc as I couldn’t think of any reason at all for the cut of contact. She replied quickly, saying she had just been busy!!! No issue. Then showed off about her life for a bit and it’s been silence ever since. So still none the wiser and I still feel sad about it. I have just resigned myself to her being a bit odd, I haven’t done anything wrong and that I will never know!

Sorry that happened to you.

I have actually just had my second child. That could be it

Similar thing happened to me, I noticed a shift in our friendship asked her a few times if I had done anything wrong and she got quite annoyed I was even asking, made out I was paranoid. Final straw for me was when she replaced me as maid of honour with another friend and let me find out the day of the wedding (she had told me she wasn’t having bridesmaids any more). I left the wedding and never spoke to her again and that was four years ago.

I think with someone people they don’t have a legitimate reason so they refuse to say, with my ex best friend I suspect it was jealousy, as she has form for ending friendships if she feels you’re not longer “beneath” her anymore I.e if her job isn’t better than yours, if you dare to have kids, get engaged, buy a house, get married etc. She needs to be the queen bee who has to do everything first and better than everyone else.

Ime its unlikely to be anything that you've done, at least nothing big and so she probably feels a bit unreasonable and doesn't want to try and justify.

It's very painful, but let it go as best you can and move on. You'll be stronger for it.

@myveryloudsun

If your friend has reason to be upset that you have had a child, then I would assume it’s that, yes. Infertility or something linked to her wanting a child?

With my friend, she already had a child and she was really excited for me straight after DS was born, so I really don’t think it was baby related

[quote mnahmnah]@myveryloudsun

If your friend has reason to be upset that you have had a child, then I would assume it’s that, yes. Infertility or something linked to her wanting a child?

With my friend, she already had a child and she was really excited for me straight after DS was born, so I really don’t think it was baby related[/quote]
She has one child but will never have the opportunity for another whereas I now have two children.

Also while thinking just now, it could also be my views on the current TWAW / TW in women's sports arguments

My friendship of 20 years broke down recently. I ended it. It is really hard to end a friendship and my ex friend was and is in many ways a lovely person but at the end of the day the reason our friendship ended was because the friendship did not meet my friendship needs. I felt there was no space for me in the friendship, it had become very unbalanced from my perspective but really in essence our friendship expectations and friendship needs were not matching.

I did speak to my friend about it but honestly she could not have changed, people really don’t change that much for one friendship and I wouldn’t expect her too. If someone ends a friendship with you in a lot of cases it isn’t about what you could have done, it isn’t really about who you are at all, it is just about you both not being compatible any longer.

My best friend of 15 years started behaving very strangely after the birth of my daughter (after several miscarriages) which she knew about. She didn't acknowledge the birth ask me about the sex, name, birth etc. when I got in touch with her to meet up she told me she was busy but could fit me in around two months later. Then completely ghosted me. In these cases there isn't much you can do but accept it and move on. People often have their own issues that they are battling with and they feel triggered by something.

I have a good friend that something similar has happened with. She suddenly became always busy, kept saying we would find a date but never agreed anything and kept batting it off. I wonder if I have done something or if she is just in a bad place, but it has got to a point it’s just embarrassing so I decided to let it go. I figure there is little point in asking as it’s unlikely I will get an honest answer and I think I will just take the hint. It does make me feel a bit sad though.

It might be the baby, it might be something else. One of my best friends cut me out of her life for about three years when my children were babies. I thought it was because I'd become a mum, but it turned out she'd had very bad news about her health and decided she'd rather deal with it on her own because she couldn't cope with other people's sympathy and sadness.

@myveryloudsun

Also while thinking just now, it could also be my views on the current TWAW / TW in women's sports arguments

Oh no that can really make people lose their shit!

Could be a combination of both then. That and the second child thing....

Try not to dwell too much. Moving on can be very invigorating!

This is strangely so reassuring to hear as this exactly what has recently happened to me

@mnahmnah your post really resonates my bf was so excited when I was pregnant with my ivf baby (she already had a 1 year old) constantly asking questions etc but then a few months after he was born stopped. Would always start msgs with hey lovely and then started using a formal hello.
We were in lockdown in 2020 and I connected with lots of friends via WhatsApp voice notes etc talking about our feelings whereas she gave me 1 word of answers. I raised it and asked if she was OK and she said she was busy and never checks her phone anymore as she didn't want her ds to see her on it. I suspected lies.

Anyway transpired she'd had a miscarriage.

Then I fell pregnant unexpectedly and contact got less and then I had to cancel a few meet ups as wasn't fully vaccinated yet and there was covid risk etc. She didn't seem particularly understanding.

If she was going through fertility issues I would have hoped knowing my journey she could of confided in me. I am a very open person.

She is now pregnant but still cool with me. I saw her at a group event recently and she put it on me saying that it was me who made her feel like I wasn't interested in meeting up. But we were in a pandemic where we couldn't and I put my baby first! Plus she works full time and is always busy.

@Elsiebear90e I strongly suspect the same re Queen bee. She is almost 10 yrs older then me and I think she liked to put me in the box of 'lil sis' and now I am succeeding and over taking her in some respects she doesn't like it or need me anymore. I could be wrong but that's my gut feeling as she doesn't treat anyone else that way.

It's upsetting and hurtful especially if you value the friendship but if they are staying cool with you despite your best efforts I'd say they don't want to make it work. A real friendship should be fun and transparent. I know how hard it is to let go though. I think about the break down of this friendship all the time.