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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DN behaviour.

26 replies

namechangeforthis7182 · 18/04/2022 18:03

My nephew has always had bad behaviour he used to listen to me but has got worse there is absolutely no discipline / structure / routine for him, he lives with my DM 2 siblings and his siblings friend.

It's to the point now that we went round yesterday and he pushed my DD multiple times, banged into her multiple times and swore multiple times they are both 5!

My mum didn't even get up just shouted, it got to the point were I flipped and threatened to smack him and he laughed!

The only time he won't play up is when my DH is around, he has always shown him authority and takes no sh*t, the second any of the kids don't listen to their warning he will put them in their bedroom until they calm down!

Aibu to not go round anymore, what do I say to DD? Its not fair she has to miss out on her family because of his behaviour Sad

OP posts:
I8toys · 18/04/2022 18:29

Why are you using smacking as a threat/punishment?

Steelesauce · 18/04/2022 18:31

Hes 5?? And clearly has a very unstable home life if he is living with your mum, siblings and a friend?? Yet you are threatening to smack him rather then acting appropriately.

If your Mum cannot cope with all these children, she should be discussing this with the social worker. It is not on at all.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 18/04/2022 18:47

You should have separated him away from your daughter. Smacking is never a suitable threat or punishment. You can't teach someone to not hit by hitting them its hypocritical and incredibly confusing to a child.

Dillydollydingdong · 18/04/2022 18:52

A lot of sanctimonious comments going on here re.smacking! Children's behaviour in general now is much worse than it was when mine were small, because there is no deterrent. Sometimes I'm astonished at what children think they can get away with (and do!)

Just10moreminutesplease · 18/04/2022 18:57

Your mum sat there shouting at him and you threatened to smack him? That’s a really poor example to set for any child, never mind one who is displaying problematic behaviour.

You say he’s your nephew but lives with your mum, are his parents around at all?

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 18/04/2022 19:19

@Dillydollydingdong

A lot of sanctimonious comments going on here re.smacking! Children's behaviour in general now is much worse than it was when mine were small, because there is no deterrent. Sometimes I'm astonished at what children think they can get away with (and do!)
Would you consider it sanctimonious to say that a 6ft 5 man shouldn't hit a 4ft 10 size 6 woman?

That's pretty much the same difference in proportions that we're talking about between a 5 yr old and a grown woman.

Smacking is never the right answer.

OP it sounds like your DN has been seriously let down by his parents, he's living with his gran, 2 siblings and one of his siblings friends, his gran just shouts at him.

You've said that he listens to your DH and that your DH sends him to his room to calm down so it sounds very much like he is capable of controlling his behaviour and listening but that he needs a male role model in his life. Could your DH spend more time with your DN to support him in developing appropriate behaviours? And to teach you how to cope with your DNs bad behaviour when it happens.

Aprilx · 18/04/2022 19:55

@Dillydollydingdong

A lot of sanctimonious comments going on here re.smacking! Children's behaviour in general now is much worse than it was when mine were small, because there is no deterrent. Sometimes I'm astonished at what children think they can get away with (and do!)
I will start by saying I don’t agree with smacking children. But being mindful of it not actually being illegal, even if a parent decided to use it in their discipline, OP is not this child’s parent. I mean even if you did think there was a place for smacking, you surely don’t go around threatening to smack children that are not your own.

Poor boy. Very strange living circumstances and even his aunt goes round and threatens him with violence.

Mamabananananana · 18/04/2022 20:03

Honest to god .. i would easily say " how would YOU like it if i smacked YOU that hard?" if hed smacked his cousin! Doenst mean OP is going to do it jeez...
Your DM needs a hand, your nephew isnt going to flourish there Has she support? School? Nursery nurse? Social?
Id tell my nephew "your cousin ismt going to paky with you if you cant behave " did you sau DM also has his friend to look after?
I was terrorised by a male cousin my age. He was witnessing domestic abuse at home- but that didnt help ME at the time

I was bitten , punched, handfuls of hair pulled out, toys destroyed- all out of nowhere
It wasnt fun

Original poster
namechangeforthis7182 · 18/04/2022 20:40

@Mamabananananana

Honest to god .. i would easily say " how would YOU like it if i smacked YOU that hard?" if hed smacked his cousin! Doenst mean OP is going to do it jeez... Your DM needs a hand, your nephew isnt going to flourish there Has she support? School? Nursery nurse? Social? Id tell my nephew "your cousin ismt going to paky with you if you cant behave " did you sau DM also has his friend to look after? I was terrorised by a male cousin my age. He was witnessing domestic abuse at home- but that didnt help ME at the time I was bitten , punched, handfuls of hair pulled out, toys destroyed- all out of nowhere It wasnt fun
I would never smack a child, but when he pushed her OFF the trampoline I lost it, after multiple warning of - if you do that again you won't join in on the egg hunt, you will go inside, you will not play on the trampoline and then he pushes her off of it! My brain just flipped because he could have seriously injured her.

Its an absolute shit situation, Its been reported to social services THEY DO NOT CARE AT ALL!!!

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Original poster
namechangeforthis7182 · 18/04/2022 20:43

@Aprilx yes poor boy its like a children's home but with no one running it! Sad

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Original poster
namechangeforthis7182 · 18/04/2022 20:45

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo there is no point, we have tried to help DH especially putting rules in place telling me mum how to handle situations but as soon as we walk out the door it goes back to how it was, I honestly think she sits in her bedroom all day and leaves them to it.

OP posts:
Owlfrog · 18/04/2022 20:52

I'd be more worried about your nephew than your kids (who presumably have a loving stable home).

Why are these children (2 plus a friend of your nephew?) living with your mother and not their parents?

Original poster
namechangeforthis7182 · 18/04/2022 21:00

@Owlfrog drug addicts with mental health problems

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 18/04/2022 21:18

You’re just adding to the problem of chaos and modelling poor behaviour by “flipping” and threatening to smack.
If you can’t control your reactions to him, don’t visit.

Xmassprout · 18/04/2022 21:27

If you know he has behavioural issues, you need to be a bit of a helicopter parent to prevent problems from arising rather than making threats after the behaviour.

My children's cousins sound similar. Same age group, same aggressive behavior with foul language. I detest being around them, but it's not their fault. All there ever is, is constant shouting from the adults, smacks as a punishment for hitting each other, and threats of further punishment. Its no wonder the children can't behave well. I don't like my children being around them all, but when they are I watch them all like a hawk. My children tend to stay near me when around them anyway, but If not I always linger within an arms reach. I don't shout, threaten or smack. I just watch. Generally it's enough of a deterrent, but at the first sign of any trouble I physically put myself between them and my children. I'll safely remove my children and just calmly tell the others I won't allow them to harm my children. It's exhausting

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 18/04/2022 21:27

after multiple warning of - if you do that again you won't join in on the egg hunt, you will go inside, you will not play on the trampoline

And did DN have to miss the egg hunt and go inside and not play on the trampoline? Because “multiple warnings” isn’t a thing…. It’s adults not following through with what they say meaning children don’t listen.
Then you threatened to smack him…. Again I hope he knows you would never smack him so what reason has he got to stop?

ReadyToMoveIt · 18/04/2022 21:30

Poor kid Sad

Mamabananananana · 18/04/2022 21:32

@namechangeforthis7182 im not surprised you lost the place Sad sounds hellish and you are human
I just wouldnt take DD around. So be it. It wont be forever
Just keep pushing for support as it sounds like they both ( Dm and DN) need it. And be straight with DM " i cant bring DD around here if shes goinh to be injured. So what now? Are you willing and able to give DN structure?If not- what can we do to assist?"
What a nightmare for herAngry

Mamabananananana · 18/04/2022 21:32

*supposed to be sad face Sad

Original poster
namechangeforthis7182 · 19/04/2022 08:55

@Cocomarine Thats the first time iv ever flipped like that in 5 years, like I said in my Op he normally listens to me and behaves when I'm there, unfortunately I'm heavily pregnant so I think he knows I can't follow through with my usual which would be to remove him from the fun until he calms down Sad but at the same time it isn't my job to either, my DM decided to raise these children from birth so she needs to parent them or give them to someone who will, they are going to grow up and be just like they're parents at this rate! He even bully's his older sister !

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Original poster
namechangeforthis7182 · 19/04/2022 08:56

@Xmassprout I normally am but I'm pregnant and about to drop so I can't Sad

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Idonea · 19/04/2022 09:07

Well his life sounds utterly chaotic. Threatening to smack a child is shit parenting. And didn't it get outlawed? Sort yourself out, OP, before your baby becomes another part of your disfunctional family. Maybe best you stay out of your nephew's life as it sounds like having one more aggressive adult around isn't going to benefit him.

MatildaTheCat · 19/04/2022 09:15

You’ve posted about this situation before. If SS won’t intervene you need to either withdraw or offer some robust support yourself. Could you, for example, take your DN out with your DH and child and offer some stable ‘parenting’ even if it’s for a short while? It may help him.

I get it that you are pregnant but a couple of hours at the weekend might be possible? And don’t sit on the sidelines calling out threats, it’s worse than useless.

Mamabananananana · 19/04/2022 11:11

@Idonea that's a totally unhelpful thing to write.

Original poster
namechangeforthis7182 · 19/04/2022 21:58

@Mamabananananana totally pointless as well! My family isn't dysfunctional, my extended family is!

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