We have been friends for a long time and I have never seen her this sad. She just turned 40 which is obv a bit of emotional mind fuck in itself. She has been with her fiancée for almost ten years and got engaged a few years ago but they haven’t organised the wedding yet which I know she is desperate to do. They have also been trying for a baby for about 3 years but neither of them have had any of the tests to ascertain why it hasn’t happened for them. The last few times I have seen her she has broken down about it, probably because a couple of friends have recently become pregnant and other good friends have recently had their first child.
She and her partner drink heavily, something that I have tried to encourage her to reduce if she wants to get pregnant. She has given up smoking recently so that is a big positive. But other than that very little action to clean up lifestyle or seek medical advice. Her partner is a nice guy, very caring, funny, attentive, although a bit of a drifter. She is the breadwinner which is stressful for her as her job is physically demanding and full on. He doesn’t have a job, works freelance doing bits and pieces, not really sure what he does but he shuts himself a way in his room until late and smokes weed, and struggles to pay the rent.
She occasionally moans about him but mostly thinks he’s amazing and I know he does a lot of the house work and cooking. But I am just so worried that she is going to regret trying harder to have a child when she makes it clear to us that she wants to be a mother. She could get on the IVF waiting list but she just doesn’t take any action at all. I know it’s her life but I am worried her partner is fobbing her off. He won’t commit to a date for the wedding but says to her that he doesn’t want to have kids until they are married (although have been trying for years anyway)? And obv I have seen her change from being a happy fun person to crying when we go out and getting black out drunk.
She also said she is defo getting married this year but hasn’t got a date or venue, which might be ok if she was getting married here in a registry office (or maybe not as there is such a huge backlog) but she wants to get married abroad and there’s other complexities.
I don’t know what to do! I guess it’s not really any of my business to point stuff out. I just feel like she’s going to kick herself in a couple of years when she has missed the opportunity to have a child, and am just worried her partner is running down her biological clock because he can’t really be bothered with the responsibility of kids or what that means (having to get a proper job, security, put himself out there). He’s also admitted to another friend he is an alcoholic and often when I go round there at weekend they have a beer or cocktail at breakfast, not sure how normal this is?! She has had a lot of issues with her family over the years, and I do think she is a bit traumatised by it all. I have suggested therapy but is adamant she doesn’t need it. Another issue is she hasn’t ever paid any tax, nor does her partner, and I think they kind of like being off grid. I feel like she isn’t honest with me about how she is feeling or what’s really going on with her, it’s really hard to find a way in to help her.