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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being sensitive or is my MIL out of Line

18 replies

Newmama93 · 18/04/2022 13:00

My MIL has changed since DH and I had my son, MIL sees her other grandkids every second day, I’m more private and like our family time but we still see her every weekend or second weekend! I always answer he calls, call her, am really welcoming and nice to her but I feel constant negativity from her.

First thing, my son just turned 1, I know MIL wants to babysit but I’ve never asked her, my mym always does it because she makes comments that make me uncomfortable. I don’t do CIO with my son, we co sleep and I still rock or feed him for naps. Today she made a comment oh as a grandma I don’t care if they scream it doesn’t bother me, could scream for an hour but he’d go to sleep eventually.

Second comment: she raves on about how tired and exhausted DH looks, oh you poor thing you’re soooooo tired you need a break she says to me DH. Then my son sits back in a chair and puts his feet and she yells out now you look like your mother! And laughs

Third issue: we are in the bath and she starts tipping water over my sons neck and head, he cries and isn’t liking it. She said I’m going to keep doing this so you get used to it

Fourth/ she made muffins and gave one to my son, I said what’s in them she says strawberry and blueberry, I say ok and take a bite, there’s a huge walnut in them!

She always says he’s spoilt and makes silly
Comments but she just isn’t very kind or soft or supportive. I’m feeling so upset because DH says I’m having issues with his mum but I just feel really judged and alone.

If I’m being sensitive call a girl out!

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 18/04/2022 13:29

Don't leave him with her. The choking risk of the walnut is enough reason not to. She seems to be of the mind frame that he needs toughing up, when in fact it causes the opposite. I wouldn't leave him with her until he's verbal. You're an adult, if someone is rude to you regardless of who they are, you can challenge them.

WalkWithDignityAndPride · 18/04/2022 13:53

I take it DH works M-F?

Why would you want to spend most of your free family time with anyone, never mind someone so lax with your son's safety.

phoenixrosehere · 18/04/2022 14:12

YANBU

She is purposely upsetting a one year old to toughen him up.

She purposely lied to you about what was in her food.

She insults you and your parenting.

The first is batshit insane! I wonder did she treat your DH the same way and whether it went much further than that. I also wouldn’t want someone around regardless of relation every weekend and neither would my DH. You have not only a MIL issue but a DH issue if she does this in front of him and he says nothing.

DonnyBurrito · 18/04/2022 15:08

Ahh yes, the 'they just have to get used to it' type. Ignore her, she's wrong. He's probably going to end up hating it more if she keeps doing that.

I wish I'd learnt to ignore those comments earlier, to be honest. Now if my DS (8 months) is clearly hating something, I stop whatever is happening, and try a more gentle approach. My son hates having his face wiped with a cloth after meals, and to be honest I think it's made him hate the high chair and given him issues around eating. I wish I hadn't listened to the 'they just get used to it' brigade, and tried something else a lot sooner. I just use my hand dipped in a bowl of warm water now, and he never cries at that... I feel very guilty for keep on trying to wipe him with a cloth even though he hated it. That was a mistake.

It sounds like you are sensitive to your childs needs, and that's a great thing. Someone telling you your baby is spoilt (with love) is an old fashioned crackpot who, thankfully, won't get the chance to parent ever again.

I agree with Ponoka, don't leave him with her until he's verbal and can tell you if she is forcing him into something or leaving him to cry. Your DP should be backing you up, but I assume he doesn't want to appear to be 'soft' infront of his mum...

SadButTheTruth · 18/04/2022 15:31

You’re not being unreasonable and your MIL’s behaviour is not acceptable.

I’m more concerned that your husband isn’t with you on this and can’t see how all of this is impacting on you and your child. Please have a long and serious discussion about all
Of the above points with him and see if he is supportive of you. It will be very hard to deal with if he is not!

Original poster

Newmama93 · 19/04/2022 01:17

Thanks all!

DH says I’m negative about his mum but she is negative against my gentle parenting. Thinks I’m ridiculous and says in a joking way but constant to my son “you’re a sook” you’re going to be a sook like your cousin, you’re such a spoilt brat, you’re a whinger. She asks to bath him and then does that to him..

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 19/04/2022 04:44

Shes a dick. You wont change her but you can change your own actions. Dont argue with your DH its what she wants.
I'd stop making an effort ie calls and photos etc and stop wasting your weekends with her.. just make a plans for the next few weeks and let your husband deal with her.

I would also not allow any unsupervised contact

Moochio · 19/04/2022 06:09

Do not allow her to be alone with him ever.

autienotnayghty · 19/04/2022 06:25

She sounds awful and you are right not to want her to be responsible for your ds. I would ask your dh why he thinks her behaviour and treatment of you and your ds is acceptable and explain you won't be spoken to rudely and you won't allow your son to be treated negatively by anyone. You shouldn't have to put up with this .

birthdaywanker · 19/04/2022 06:32

This is awful, OP! She sounds like a bully. Your instincts are spot on - protect your son from this horrible woman. Your husband is absolutely wrong not to back you up, but if he grew up with her as his mum it isn’t surprising if his own instincts have become a bit warped. Stand your ground. You sound like a lovely mother.

Philisophigal · 19/04/2022 07:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Newuser82 · 19/04/2022 07:04

She actually calls him a spoilt brat and a whinger? That's disgusting!

disorganisedasalways · 19/04/2022 07:29

I wouldn't ever leave your child alone with her. I think each time she does something like this, it needs calling out. It might be to say "can you please stop doing that, he doesn't like it". You are his parent and you have every right to say this.
If she is saying "I'd let him scream for an hour, it doesn't bother me". Then you absolutely know not to leave him with her because she will not attend to his needs.
She chose her way of parenting and you've chosen yours. What you do has sod all to do with her.

Herejustforthisone · 19/04/2022 07:43

I wouldn’t allow anyone around my child who called him names, was unkind to him and purposefully upset him.

Your H is a drip.

Ikeptgoing · 19/04/2022 07:45

Thinks I’m ridiculous and says in a joking way but constant to my son “you’re a sook” you’re going to be a sook like your cousin, you’re such a spoilt brat, you’re a whinger.

That's (psychologically/ emotionally) abusive to your child . It's nasty name calling which he will internalise. I would pull her up every time she says anything like that. "No MIL do not call DS nasty names. Or you can go home You won't be allowed to around him if you do we will start calling you mean grandma in response"

Stand up to this mean woman. If she criticises your parenting, call her out on it

"Don't criticise my parenting. Not one more word"

If she ignores your parenting instructions " No you can't have DS as you ignore our parenting instructions/ safety concerns... well he's not your baby is he? you had your time 40 years ago.."

"MIL why did you lie about what was in this cake, there are walnuts in it too ? We can't trust what you say.."

Say it how it is. This opinionated woman doesn't care about your (or DS's) feelings so why are you protecting hers, you can just state it factually.

"We are confident in letting DM babysit as she is good with children and babies. You're not We dont leave DS with anyone that is not good with babies"

"Stop doing that MIL, be kind. we cant leave you unsupervised with baby"

ilovedoggs · 19/04/2022 19:17

I'll be honest when bathing my ds I tip the water over his head and neck, I see why people say it's a choking risk but as long as it's not drowning in their face they'll be fine! He's now 1 and has no problems with water over his head, he tilts his head fine and has his hair washed. You can buy one of those cap things that go over their head to stop the water going on their face

DaffodilsandCoffee · 19/04/2022 19:28

@ilovedoggs

I don’t think it’s washing the hair that’s the issue, it’s the deliberately doing it because he doesn’t like it.

Just10moreminutesplease · 19/04/2022 19:29

I’d stop being so nice and call her out every time she upsets him, calls him names, or does something dangerous.

You don’t need to be confrontational, just a simple “don’t call my child a spoilt brat, I don’t want that kind of negative talk around him”, no r “don’t pour water over his head, he clearly doesn’t like it” will do. If she ignores you, ask her to leave. She obviously doesn’t mind upsetting you and your child, why you prioritise her feelings?

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