What would you do? AIBU?

[EyeBagsAndEyeRolls]

My younger sister and I fell out about 2 months ago. Usually any arguments are soon forgotten e.g she’d need help with an essay and ask for help and I would invite her over. But this time, she’s holding a grudge (honestly I feel it’s because she doesn’t need anything from me right now).

She hasn’t spoken to me since, I started a WhatsApp group about my mums birthday present, she’s ignored it, I visited Mother’s Day (she lives with my mum) she blanked me and I visited again recently to drop my daughter off and she blanked me.

My sons first birthday is coming up, and basically I don’t want her there. Not out of spite or tit for tat but honestly her behaviour is really upsetting me, making me feel uncomfortable at my mums house and I’m just fed up. We’re having it at my house, just a small get together, but I know I will be made to feel like I’m causing the issue. My family are a family or sweepers under the carpet.

What would you do?

If it's at your house do you think she'd still come?
I would just invite her and hope she doesn't turn up!

Honestly? I'd just invite her. For your mums sake. If she's blanking you then she probably won't come, but at least you've been the bigger person

Was the most recent argument more serious than the others? Her behaviour is petty and I don’t like when people ignore, did she interact with your DS when you visited your DM?

Depends what you fell out about, need more details OP.

How old is she?

Why did you fall out? I think that's important to know as it could be something that may be unforgivable to her and you don't need to worry

I would invite her in a slightly offhand way.
As in putting ….”no worries if you can’t make it “ on the message.

Depends on a few things I think. Why did you fall out? How old is she? Have you tried to speak to her about it? Was there one person ‘at fault’ (honestly)?

I agree it depends on her age and why you fell out but it sounds petty to me.

I don't see why you have to appease your mother!

It's you who is upset. Your sister is being shitty.

Don't invite your sister if her coming is going to make you not enjoy your own son's first birthday party. Surely??

Depending on the background I would either

a) talk to her now and try to resolve the issue so that she can come and the atmosphere is ok

b) tell her you aren't inviting her and why. Don't let your mother brush it under the carpet; tell her why you aren't inviting your sister. If she knows you are willing to make up but it's your sister being difficult then you are in the clear.

Maybe it's time to stand up for yourself.

Talk to her about the argument, starting with “I know you’re not talking to me since we had that argument about ………”. Is there something you need to apologise for?

She’s sulking/stone-walling. That can be a sign of someone who has poor conflict-resolution skills or it can be manipulative, even abusive. I assume she’s young, and the family as a whole aren’t good at conflict-resolution, so I’d give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

If she won’t respond to your approaches, I would be absolutely straight and open with her and say “I would love you to come but you can’t come while you are sulking with me”. Model assertiveness - sounds like she’s not getting that example at home.

You've made plenty of effort with her recently and she keeps ignoring you. Therefore I would NOT invite her.

I think not inviting her will make you look like the bad guy. I agree with pp about inviting her in a casual way, then the ball's in her court.

I agree with @HeddaGarbled who has made a great suggestion. Invite her, but make it clear it's on the condition that she can't behave like this on the day. Then the ball is in her court.

I don't think you've particularly made a lot of effort - presumably you went round on Mother's Day to see your mum, not her? So all you've done is start a WhatsApp group?

Remember because she's your sister you're stuck with her so best make it clear now that you're willing to have a relationship but only if she behaves appropriately.
I didn't call my sister out early enough and as a result when I finally had had enough it was too late.
We have a very fractured relationship now.
She can't reflect on her own behaviour and she thought I would continue to take her abuse just because we're sisters.

So we fell out because her bf was covid positive, I said that I didn’t feel comfortable with her coming to my house for my daughters birthday if she was going to continue to see him whilst he’s positive and then come to my house a couple of days later. She continued to see him and therefore didn’t attend the birthday. The rules had changed and he argument was that it was now ok (ie legal) for her to see him. I said regardless I wasn’t comfortable with her coming here if that’s what she was doing, when she’s not coming to my house to see my children then she can do what she likes. She also lied and initially said it was just a walk in the park and my mum told me she’d been to see him inside his house. I did put the situation on her and most agreed with me, a few with my sister.

I’m in my 30s, she’s is in her 20s.

She has been fine with my children when she has seen them, no issues there. Only blanked me, literally like I’m not there.

@AntarcticTern I’m not saying I’ve made any particular effort but I do expect it to be civil. I never say no to helping her out unless I physically can’t.

I often feel like I am the only assertive one in my family, I’m the only one that does call her out and I’m tired.

@HeddaGarbled I think you hit the nail on the head, my whole family avoid conflict like the plague, even if it makes life more difficult in the long run.

I expect if I invite her she will come, I think she’ll be fine with my children and I don’t think she would bad mouth me in front of them but I do think she’ll ignore me whilst here.

*I mean I put the situation on mumsnet. Most agreed with me, a few with my sister.

She is selfish.
She should have respected your wishes re the bf with covid situation.
Write a half hearted whatsapp inviting her and hopefully she won't respond or turn up.
Then just do your best to be civil to her when you see her at your mum's.
She's not worth it....she will never change especially as no one else in your family calls her out.
Concentrate on strengthening your friendships because, believe me, they will carry you through life's ups and downs.

I don’t have anyone around my child or in my home who isn’t civil to me. She’s being incredibly rude, fuck her. And screw rising above or being the bigger person. No. That’s how bullies get away with it!

Don’t invite her and if anyone asks if she’s coming or why she hasn’t been invited just say no, she’s been clear she’s not speaking to you so why on Earth would she be there.

Your family might be sweepers but that’s their problem, not yours.

This is a child’s birthday, it’s meant to be happy and fun. No one gets a chance to ruin it by being a chippy brat.

I think I will go with the if you can be civil you can come approach. I wouldn’t tolerate anyone else ignoring me in my own house. I’ll admit I’m probably now ignoring her too, not that’s she given the option of doing anything else as she hasn’t actually acknowledged or spoken to me.

The alternative being that I’d have just ‘swept under the carpet’ that her bf was covid positive and then she wanted to come to my house where one of my children is still a baby. Like my family would probably prefer I do to save ruffling any feathers

All the replies are much appreciated and make me feel like I’m am not necessarily the issue just because I’m the one that says something

Just because the rules changed doesn't make Covid any less virulent than before and in your position I'd have said the same.

Don't invite her. Tell your mum that only she is invited and not to bring your sister, you don#t have to feel uncomfortable in your own home, and you don't have to have your mum pressuring you.

But you need to address it if she makes up just because she needs/wants something from you. Say "no" and mean it.