To find MIL's/SIL's comments and outlook offensive and maddening

[Peachypopples]

Struggling with visits to the in-laws. I have a gorgeous 2yo DS and he has a cousin pretty much the exact same age (my partner's sister's son). For context, currently my SIL and her partner and son are living with my in-laws.

This is nothing new but I dread going there because of rude and offensive comments that always seem to come up - at least one per visit. I dread it because I don't ever feel equipped to address them. My partner's family are a feisty Italian one who think it's hilarious how 'direct' they are. As if that allows them to say anything at all. His mother will sulk or shout if challenged.

Comments I'm upset about today include being told "Well yes you are getting on now that you're 36 and you need to do it now" when we told them yesterday over Easter lunch that we're expecting a second baby. They said congratulations but then both MIL and SIL quickly turned the conversation to my age and fired direct and innapropriate questions at me along those lines.

Also they asked if we'd told DS yet. I said no we hadn't and we'd wait a bit as I'm not quite 12 weeks along yet. MIL decided to interpret this as that we didn't think he'd understand and shouted across the table to his cousin "youre going to get a new cousin". When we asked her to shhh because our DS hadn't been explained to yet she laughed "oh well he won't understand". This is something that's constant with her. Because SIL's son is a bit more talkative than DS (personality not ability) she makes out that he has more understanding and makes strange comments hinting at SIL's son being more intelligent. Not true by any stretch - DS is showing himself to be a really bright little boy with lots of his own interests. But more to the point this is completely unacceptable and weird grandparent behaviour isn't it??!

MIL is much more involved in SIL's son's life and has more influence over how he's raised. We tend to do things our own way and I think this is what's behind it all really. MIL is always trying to assert some sort of dominance and make out that her way of doing things is the best way. We have a good enough relationship on the surface but I know she doesn't like that I don't just do what she says.

Any advice on how to deal with the blunt rudeness and general situation? Im always taken aback in the moment by their comments and when I try to say something polite but direct back to correct them it's largely ignored. Plus there's the fact that if you try to take them aside/raise anything a different way you'll just getting shouting/sulking... Their hearts can sometimes be in the right places but there's a weird kind of arrogance. Thanks for reading guys. Advice appreciated.

They aren’t going to change. It’s who they are, just like being more reserved is how you are. Of course it’s a different relationship between MIL and your nephew compared to your son - they live together, she’s going to be more akin to a second mother to him, especially if your SIL is an exact copy of her. You need to just let it go I’m afraid. I would stop even challenging them, just view them as people you have to survive and nothing more. Obviously it’s done now, but I would never announce a pregnancy over Sunday lunch with people like that (especially if you didn’t want you DS/nephew to know, who were presumably sat right there). In future, a call from your DH would be better so you’re not involved.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Telling anyone your private baby news when you explicitly said you weren't telling yet, (especially another child in-front if you DS) was awful behaviour your your PIL.

If they overstep just say "oh more unsolicited MIL/FIL advice... To an adult woman, what fun! "

Or
"Well that was rude of you. Rudeness is not 'saying how it is', it's just plain rudeness"

"I think I've had enough of being criticised as a parent/ an adult, so I'm going home now with DS. I hope you behave better next time we visit you"

“Haha, I’m only 36! I can understand why you’re worried about being active grandparents again at your age though. Already having trouble remembering how bright two-year-olds are!”

See less of them. Your pregnancy ( ? Morning sickness ) is a perfect excuse to avoid these large family Meals which you hate .

As a PP said, they are not going to change, it’s who they are.

You are not legally or morally obliged to spend lots of your free time seeing your boyfriends family . Just make a polite excuse and don’t go most of the time.

Very very few men would spend so much of their leisure time doing things they don’t want to do with their girlfriends family.

I grew up in an Italian family and they honestly will never change they’ll just take the piss out of you if you challenge it.

Golden rule: work on a need to know/need to see basis and nothing more!

What does your DP say when this sort of shite happens?

I would cut back on visits if they piss you off. You don't have to spend lots of time with people you find annoying. DP can go on his own.

You seem overly concerned that if you assert yourself they will get angry/upset. So what?

Within the family Italians, especially nonnas, will make negative comments about other family members. It’s a type of interaction you don’t really get in Britain, a kind of affectionate outrage, often accompanied by shouting and/or laughing. I find it exhausting, try not to take it to heart.

I’m not Italian but close enough esp the culture. This is completely normal and it won’t change.
It is exhausting and I limit my time with my family now. We also have the added weight issue. It’s like an obsession with them.
When I visit it’s strictly for an hour a week. I avoid my older sibling. I’ve also learnt it’s so much easier to smile, nod, agree then do what the hell I want.
It can be quite suffocating tbh.

You'll have to perfect a poker face and grin and bear it. Maybe let your husband take your child to visit his family for a while - pregnancy sickness can be your excuse. Sure they'll comment on it but you won't have to hear it.

'Che brutta figura' to MIL. That should shut her up for a while although the sulk may well last weeks.

I think it’s just cultural differences and they are not necessarily doing anything wrong. Brits are just much more reserved and careful about offending anyone. Italians, and many other nationalities, are more direct and straightforward. No point in telling them you think they are rude, they won’t see it the same way.

@Snoken

I think it’s just cultural differences and they are not necessarily doing anything wrong. Brits are just much more reserved and careful about offending anyone. Italians, and many other nationalities, are more direct and straightforward. No point in telling them you think they are rude, they won’t see it the same way.

This. Personally I wouldn’t have told anyone about my pregnancy before I told my existing child because it’s pretty much guaranteeing they’ll find out from someone else.

I'm Italian and I agree they probably don't think they are being rude, I can imagine my aunties making the same comment about your age, and then asking you half a dozen medical questions.

I'm not sure what to suggest, when my nonna says something a bit rude/odd I just make a witty comment right back but it's more awkward when it's your in laws - with my in laws I just don't tend to tell them much about my life.

IME of Italian nonnas though, one good thing about my mum/my cousins mums/my friends mums is that they may roll their eyes/make fun of our new fangled parenting ways but they will still follow our lead when babysitting (eg, baby led weaning etc)...Italians tend to be very keen to follow drs/official health advice so there's that at least.

@longwayoff

'Che brutta figura' to MIL. That should shut her up for a while although the sulk may well last weeks.

This!

Where is your partner in all of this?

See a lot less of them is the answer.

@longwayoff
Way to go.

Ergh, they sound vile. My friend’s Italian family are the most loving, welcoming family ever. They greet you with kisses, tell you your children are the most beautiful things ever and ply you with food. Same goes for all of her extended family.

Your inlaws sound like the Di Marcos from Eastenders.

Thanks for the solidarity here - much appreciated 😘 My partner has tried to address the comparison of the cousins (or the comments that hint at this) in private with his mother only be shouted at and told he's jealous (which is ridiculous).

He does need to speak up a bit more - and I also plan to put more boundaries up with them - and be a bit less worried about upsetting them. They sure don't take any care the other way!