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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About DS 17 lifestyle

17 replies

CatrinaSassy · 17/04/2022 20:55

DS is always out, has loads of friends and a gf. He’ll often stay at his gf’s or at a mates, he’s generally good at keeping us informed.

However he does lots of things I disapprove of. He was riding on his friends motorcycle he only went a couple of miles but didn’t wear a helmet! I was really shocked at his stupidity but he just said don’t worry about it!

Recently I found out he’s been drinking in pubs, vaping and smoking! He also was smoking weed in his room to ‘relax’.

I feel really sad, disappointed and cross that he does all these things then when I confront him he has a ‘so what?’ kind of attitude.

He’s completely open with me but has no understanding of why I’m worried about him, he just says he ‘could be worse!’

He works full time which I’m pleased about and rather than pay rent he saves which is important.

I’m not sure if I’m BU to constantly pull him up on these behaviours given his age and the fact that he works full time therefore it’s his choice what he spends his money on. He also has ADHD so we’ve had a tough time with behavioural issues and school refusal. I am really proud he’s been working since 16 though.

OP posts:

cigarettesNalcohol · 17/04/2022 21:02

YABU. He's 17 and seems like he has a stable life but wants to have a bit of fun. Completely normal for his age and yes, he could be a lot worse. You're expecting him to live like a middle age man and be sensible and super responsible. He's a teenager who wants to explore and discover things. Make his own mistakes. Most teenagers will have drank or vapped or smoked weed. It's really nothing new or bad or unusual or anything to worry about. Just make sure you don't punish him for any mistakes and make sure you can be the parent who listens to him and is there for him when he needs advice or has fucked up. You don't want to be the parent flying off the handle and panicking because he smoked some weed once... he sounds like he is on the right track. If he was smoking 10 spliffs a day and didn't get out of bed for work or school then rightly so you should be concerned. Let him live a bit and give him space. You can't control what he does. Yes riding without a helmet is stupid but teenagers do stupid things. It's life. He knows better but some things are not always in your control.

Purspectivepulease · 17/04/2022 21:03

He’s not wrong, it’s not that bad is it?

Original poster

CatrinaSassy · 17/04/2022 21:08

Ok that’s good to hear, yes I guess he could be a lot worse!

Glad to hear it’s all very typical! I tend to worry and over think as he’s always been very difficult to parent!

OP posts:

SallyWD · 17/04/2022 21:12

I was drinking and smoking (including weed) at 17. I also took other drugs like LSD. I really don't think I was wild or off the rails - it was just part of growing for me and many others. I grew out of it and am now a bit of a health bore. I think he's right - he could be so much worse.

Hunderland · 17/04/2022 21:14

I would not allow the weed smoking at home and would actually be very concerned about that. I don't think you should be making it easy for him to do it.

waltzingparrot · 17/04/2022 21:16

I've got one that never goes out - it's a worry!

pumpkinpie01 · 17/04/2022 21:17

Teenagers can be such a worry , but honestly this sounds like totally normal behaviour. Their brain isn't fully developed so they will take silly risks without thinking- hence the no helmet . Just keep the lines of communication open and pick your battles .

spotcheck · 17/04/2022 21:21

Er....

You can't control him, but you can talk to him about choices
Not wearing a helmet is stupid, and life endangering. If he does get into an accident, it could be catastrophic.
You can also ask that he not smoke weed in your house

Glamping1234 · 17/04/2022 21:38

I think the main thing I would keep hammering home about not going on friends motorbike without a helmet - that really is stupid.

The rest I Guess is normal teenage behaviour. Seems like he's doing okay really, working and keeping you informed when he stays out. Remind him you are proud of him but...

I wouldn't be happy about the weed smoking at home either, be firm about that one, it's your home after all.

Alliswells · 18/04/2022 10:29

I get where you are coming from op but most of that sounds completely normal. The not wearing a helmet is the one I would focus on tbh

Abraxan · 18/04/2022 10:33

I wouldn't allow any form of smoking or illegal drugs in my home. That's a non negotiable for me.

The motorcycle bit is also a concern. No helmet is stupid and irresponsible behaviour. And what about licence and insurance?

AmyandPhilipfan · 18/04/2022 12:01

As long as he’s not getting blind drunk constantly or getting into fights at the pub then the drinking in pubs wouldn’t bother me.

The smoking would. And the weed. I lost a parent to lung cancer. I would not be encouraging smoking in any way, shape or form and if he was using the money he saved from not paying me rent to fund his habit then I would be starting to charge him rent. I’ve also known quite a few people in real life go through some serious mental health issues that are very likely to have been caused by prolonged weed smoking. So I would be telling him all about those and banning it from my house.

And with the non helmet wearing - he’s young, he thinks he’s invincible. But he needs to understand he’s not. It doesn’t make him look cool not to wear one, it makes him look like a bloody idiot.

Spanglemum · 18/04/2022 12:14

I have a child with ADHD. They are impulsive and take risks. I also suspect the nicotine helps with the ADHD. What he's doing is not too bad if he's still getting up and going to work. You can say no weed or cigarettes in the house.

CheeseCheeseCheeseCheese · 18/04/2022 12:18

Don't let him smoke in your home. Send him pictures of motorcycle crashes.

nosyupnorth · 18/04/2022 12:46

It's a mixed bag here, at 17 I'd let the stuff that is fine for adults like drinking/vaping go as long as he is doing it within reason and not having to call out of work hungover etc.

But you need to be very firm with him about the motorbike helmet issue - that's incredibly dangerous and never okay.

5128gap · 18/04/2022 12:50

You need to decide on your priorities and hone in on those. For me, it's immediate personal safety issues, so the not wearing a helmet. If you go after everything in a scattergun approach you will become white noise, and the essential potentially life saving, message will be lost. It sounds a low bar, but if you can keep him safe, and not having a negative impact on other people, they reach an age where sometimes that has to be good enough.

Grenlei · 18/04/2022 12:52

The riding without a helmet is one I would be furious about, the rest is typical teenage stuff. A young lad in our town lost his life a few years back riding his moped a mile home late at night. He took a corner too fast turning into the road he lived on, came off and hit his head. If he'd been wearing a helmet he almost certainly would have survived.

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