To not be at my Dad’s deathbed

[Worryinglyworried73]

My dad is dying of cancer & not sure how much time he has left. We have a complicated family and I don’t get on with my stepmother at all. I am not sure I want to be there at the end with her. I think I want to make my peace in my own way as it’s been a lifetime of difficult stuff.

Aibu? Anyone else make this choice?

What would your father want?

If he'd want you there go and rise above. Usually in these situations all history of family feuds go out of the window.

Whatever you need to do is fine.

For me, I think I would go. But only because I think you are more likely to regret not going than going.

Your SM will very soon be out of your life for good. You have no responsibility to her after DFs death. I think I would try to put my differences aside & be in the room with her for the penultimate time.

But ultimately nobody can tell you what to do. It's your decision to make.

I honestly don’t know what he’d want- maybe he’ll tell us - it’s currently very difficult so not sure really

@Spaghag yes that’s true about not having to see stepmother again!

You cope with this how you need to - no judgement.

If you think your dad would want you there (and he's conscious), then I would maybe pay a visit for a little while, so he knows you were there with him. But only if you think he'd want that.

But don't force yourself to stay by his side night and day (again, unless you think your dad would really want that - and even then, I don't think you should have to if there's a lot of issues there) - in an already-fraught dynamic, adding end of life care and emotion to the mix is unlikely to create a calm, loving atmosphere for your dad or memories to hold onto for you.

@housemaus stepmother has already made it clear that she doesn’t really view us as part of the process so for my own sanity, I think I need to detach and think about my own grief process

When my Dad died of Covid earlier this year my stepmother didn't tell me he was in hospital until he was unconscious and so we were unable to say goodbye to each other properly. We have had a virtually non-existant relationship over the last 10 years because of her. I went and visited him in hospital before he passed but asked my evil stepmother to leave the room when I got there so I could have a private moment with him. I said my goodbyes and and concentrated on my own feelings from that point on. You must do what is right for you - her feelings are not your concern you must put yourself first in this situation. I wish you peace.

I think the main thing is that you have a chance to say goodbye and say anything you want to say. My dad died of cancer and probably I said goodbye to him weeks before he actually died and definitely days depsite being there hours before he died because by the end I don’t really feel he was there any more.

Just as an example, my mum died after a stroke - unconscious at the end although I had spoken to her the day before - I didn't make it back in time to be with her at her end. 12 months later Dad had a fall and went into hospital when the last hospital superbug was running wild and he looked at me as I left one night and I knew and he knew we wouldn't see each other again. Both knew I loved them, I knew they loved me. That's all that mattered in the end.
Be content with what you can do and don' t think there is a proper way to do this.
I am now a parent and would rather my daughter and son were not there when I died. They know I care and vice versa we have made that clear to each other - nothing more needs saying when I finally shuffle of this mortal coil.

Someone gave me a great piece of advice.. Do what you believe will leave you with least regret.. you can only do what you think is right.

My stepmother sent one of my sisters, my Dad's sister and me away from my Dad's deathbed - she let my other sister stay. It was about midnight that we went home and he died 3 hours later. To be honest as the cancer had spread to his brain at this point he didn't know what was going on and it didn't make a difference to him if I was there or not. I have wondered afterwards if I should fought harder to stay but I don't think that it would have helped Dad or me. Do what feels best for you

If there is a conversation you want to have with your dad to help you come to terms with the past, then now is the time to visit. The dying process can take a long time but they aren't really able to communicate once this starts and are usually very highly medicated, so he most likely won't be able to answer any questions you might have in those final days. You are under no obligation to sit with him night and day for the last days and hours; and I would only do that if it will give you some peace. But I do think you want to minimise any potential regrets around your relationship with your father that you might have, and so visiting at least once could be cathartic. But make it clear your stepmother has to leave the room, as she does not own this situation, your father does. And don't be afraid to be honest and direct with him, as there probably won't be another chance. I'm sorry you are going through this. Losing a parent is terrible and traumatic, no matter what your relationship is like with them. you need to prioritise your grief and deal with this in the way that will help you come to terms with this loss.

Sorry about your df.

As others have said do what you feel you want to. If you want to be there ignore any issues with his wife and focus on your df but equally if you don't want to be there that is absolutely fine, you need to do whatever helps you cope with the situation

Ignore what others think and do what you feel you must do.

I agree with PPs, do what feels right for you. There are ways to make peace with your father without having to be around your SM. I'd do whatever causes peace for you and him. Wishing you the best

My husband made the decision not to be with his Dad when he died.

They hadn't fallen out or anything.

When his Mum died we were all there, around the bed for hours.

Husband is convinced his Mum didn't have a clue we were there but said he felt the need to be there to support his Dad.

When we got the call to say his Dad was about to die I started running around packing stuff (he was 200 miles away) but husband was just "no I'm not going"

I felt a real need to be there but he was adamant.

As it happens his Dad died about 35 minutes after we got the call so we wouldn't have made it anyway.

Husband says he has no regrets about not being there.

My own Dad is dying now and I have a bad relationship with him and my Mum so I will have to make these decisions for myself - not made any easier by the fact my Mum and Dad are 300 miles away.

I have no answers for you OP and am in the same boat - but husband says "no regrets" so maybe that's helpful?

I wasn’t at my dad’s deathbed and I’m ok with my choice. I wrote him a letter about three weeks before he passed and I received a response. I told him I loved him and I was thinking of him. Maybe you could do that instead?

You have to do it your own way. I wasn’t at my grandfathers deathbed (and we were very very close) and I don’t regret that. I was less close to my grandma and I stayed at her bedside for almost 48 hours while she died. Having done both extremes all I can say is it’ll be ok whatever you decide to do.

I’m sorry it’s happening and I hope you’re ok.

@ExplodingElephants yes a letter is a good idea too. I have no relationship with my stepmother mother at all and will be glad when she is gone out of my life to be honest so just need to do what is best for me & my family now too I think

I was at my Dad's bedside when he died, quite young thirty odd years ago.

My Mum died last year, I wasn't there, none of us were, the nurses in the hospice were with her.

I'm at peace with both.

My sm made sure my df has no relationship with me or my dc. He didn't stand up for our relationship sadly. So I hope HE is at peace when he dies because I will not be there. In your shoes I would go. 1 visit and say your goodbye. Then walk away from her for good.