Wanting to limit family visits due to anxiety & stress?

[Beachyrain94]

I’ve seen a lot of these posts over this weekend but hoping I can get some similar advice as you’ve all been so kind on my previous posts!

To cut a long story short, my MIL lost her husband last year (2021) and we lost my dad the year before that (2020). MIL lives about 2.5 hrs away and my mum & sister about 10 mins away. As anyone would rightly assume we see a lot more of my mum & sister than MIL purely due to location and time.

Our house is tiny - we only have 2 bedrooms, one for me and my partner and one for my partners daughter. Whenever MIL comes to stay she insists on sleeping on the spare bed in SD’s room and not on the pullout in the dining room.

Without going too much into it, her whole behaviour has changed since she lost her husband, which I understand can happen as part of the grieving process, but it’s starting to become unbearable. For example, we ended up having an argument about immigration at 8am on Saturday morning, which resulted in her telling me to “shut up and go away” to put it politely…

As I said, I try to put the negativity and anger on grieving and potentially the lasting pandemic effects, but it just feels like she’s turning into a bitter old lady.. my mum lost her husband too (and me my dad), and neither of us as that way out; we still see that there’s some light and happiness out there to be enjoyed sometimes. She also does go to therapy / grief counselling, so it’s not that the mental side of it isn’t being dealt with for her.

The other side of it is my issue with physical space. She rushes around the house like a wound spinning top and nothing is ever done fast / well done enough, our house is never clean enough or organised and we’ve never got the food in she wants to cater for her “funny tummy” that seems to get upset at every single thing I ever serve.

As we speak I’m currently sat on the sofa recovering from her visit, my stomach is in knots which is itself agony and I just feel so sick and drained. This happens every time, the physical reaction I think is the hardest to deal with and it takes me a good day or two to recover. It upsets me so much I’m actually considering asking her to stay somewhere else next time she comes to visit. Would that be unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

How long does she stay for?

It depends, sometimes 2-3 nights other times up to a week. It doesn’t help she doesn’t actually tell us her plans and just shows up!

DH needs to sort that out then it's not on. If you think just staying one or two nights is doable then start with that. She shouldn't just stay as long as she wants that's rude.

I would be hugely sympathetic to her feelings as she is probably still mourning and definitely in a period of grief.

But no one tells me to f off in my own home, I'm afraid, no matter what they are going through, so she wouldn't be welcome to stay again until she has apologised for that.

I also don't cater for uninvited guests, people who just drop in have to take us as they find us, whether the house is messy or not and whatever I am cooking. If they don't like those conditions, they are welcome not to stay.

Jesus, she only lives a couple of hours away, no need to stay at all. Get your DH to tell her that the stays no longer work for you all. No further explanation required.

Bereavement isn't a licence to be a rude, ungrateful, abusive pain in the ass.

Put a lock on the spare room, there are doorknobs that need a key.
Lock it and tell her you don't have the key and she'll have to sleep on your other option.

If she won't then send her a link to the closest premier inn or equivalent.

Ideally it should be your husband sorting her out though

It's really disrespectful not to give you notice of when she is coming. You sound lovely to have been so patient up to now. I think the time has come to put some boundaries in place Your DP needs to have a word. How does he react when you raise this with him?

Do hope dp isn't someone who doesn't want to say anything, you need his back up here. She sounds awful and breavement is not really an excuse.

@Beachyrain94

It depends, sometimes 2-3 nights other times up to a week. It doesn’t help she doesn’t actually tell us her plans and just shows up!

Easy. Dont let her in and send her home.

I am 68 and my partner is 75. We both come from difficult families with mental health problems on each side. My problem is that one of my partners'sister s is a very angry and hyper-critical person. My sister and her husband the same. We have been together for 40+ years and had our share of difficulties. Noticeably no help was forthcoming.
We moved 3 years ago while maintaining full time jobs and I was also commuting 3-4 hours per day. We are semi retired and I have had health problems. Our house is frankly a bit of a mess. We haven't invited anyone to stay- we are at the opposite end of the country. My partners family have taken to announcing that they are coming; admittedly they stay in Band B. However the date etc is not discussed. My side of the family have started saying they will come to visit. I have been there with our family, after being invited to do so.
Frankly, I would be happy to declare our home a visitor free zone, my partner feels the same. I am dreading having to explain why. There is a history of bad feeling and frankly rudeness from our respective siblings and their partners. I am trying to decide which is the lesser of the 2 evils- putting up with judgmental attitudes and rude comments or explaining to them why we don't want them to stay. Incidentally, my partner doesn't feel so strongly, but I think that's because it is not his homemaking that is under scrutiny and he is very good at zoning out in difficult situations. Any suggestions?