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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Any advice for giving a eulogy

27 replies

butterlover · 17/04/2022 09:28

Posting for traffic, not an AIBU. I'm giving a eulogy at my best friend's funeral on Thursday, we knew each other for almost 40 years since mid primary school and their unexpected death has absolutely devastated me. I can barely read the first paragraph aloud before caving in.

I want to do it well, I want to do my friend's life and the positive impact they've had on so many people justice. I've spent a long time writing it and I absolutely want to read it on Thursday but I need some advice from others who have done the same about how to cope.

Thanks

OP posts:
Staffordshireknotter · 17/04/2022 09:31

I'm sorry for your loss.

I did it once and what helped me was writing exactly what I wanted to say, I was in no state to think on my feet, and to look at a fixed point in the middle distance whilst talking - it was looking at people's faces that crushed me.

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 17/04/2022 09:34

I would advise you to give a copy to the person leading the service, in the event they have to take over from you.

That way you can just give it your best shot. No one judges others at a funeral for getting upset.

NoSquirrels · 17/04/2022 09:36

I’m so sorry. Flowers

OK. First, practice the whole thing aloud on your own as much as possible. Over and over and over so you are really familiar with it and a bit desensitised to the words.

On the day - deep breaths. Go slowly, much slower than you think you need to. If you need to pause, pause. If your voice cracks or wobbles, or you cry, that is OK. People expect it. More deep breaths. Don’t look down at anyone - look into the distance.

If you do find yourself unable to finish your eulogy, the officiant will step in (vicar, priest etc) and read it for you.

But you will be able to do it.

Ponoka7 · 17/04/2022 09:37

It helps to break it up with happy times and things that gave them joy. Then keep that positivity in your mind. Feel happiness for the times they did have. Many don't. Celebrate the good in your mind.

JoeGio · 17/04/2022 09:47

Sorry for your loss OP. Agree with the advice to practise over and over. Someone once told me if you're trying not to cry then looking up at the ceiling and pinching the skin between your thumb and forefinger can help, I've used it a few times and it does seem to help. But nobody will mind if you do cry. Good luck.

AngeloMysterioso · 17/04/2022 10:03

@NoSquirrels

I’m so sorry. Flowers

OK. First, practice the whole thing aloud on your own as much as possible. Over and over and over so you are really familiar with it and a bit desensitised to the words.

On the day - deep breaths. Go slowly, much slower than you think you need to. If you need to pause, pause. If your voice cracks or wobbles, or you cry, that is OK. People expect it. More deep breaths. Don’t look down at anyone - look into the distance.

If you do find yourself unable to finish your eulogy, the officiant will step in (vicar, priest etc) and read it for you.

But you will be able to do it.

This is basically what I was going to say too.
TwoShades1 · 17/04/2022 10:22

Do you have someone that can stand with you and finish if you can’t? Husband or another friend? Otherwise try not to think while you are reading. Don’t actually think about the things your reading.

Technosaurus · 17/04/2022 10:35

Funeral celebrant here - overall tips are:

  • no longer than 5 minutes... Not just because funerals are strictly timed but also because longer tributes, however well intentioned, do bore people!
  • write it out first and practice practice practice (and remember on the day you are likely to need more time than you think when you see people crying, as pp said)
  • try to personalise it, talk of your own memories of your friend (and perhaps you) getting into capers. Rather than the "mundane" stuff (who they married, where they worked etc) that the celebrant or priest will cover
  • if you're struggling, pick maybe three examples of their best qualities. Someone who was known as generous stopping to buy a homeless person a coffee, for example. It's the small tales that show people's character usually
  • send your words to the celebrant/priest in advance good time so there's no repetition
  • remember it's a huge honour to be asked and everyone will have the utmost respect for you for doing it, don't worry if you show some emotion somewhere, you're only human!
  • don't start with "we are gathered here today"!
spudjulia · 17/04/2022 10:35

Exactly what others have said. I wrote mine out word for word so I didn't have to think about the words I was saying too much, and practiced it (and cried a lot while practicing), in the hope it would become somewhat robotic. I did cry at one point during reading it out, but people don't mind that. Everyone there is rooting for you because they also loved the person you loved. Thanks

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/04/2022 10:36

Excellent advice so far, and I'd add not to look directly at those present since their own expressions may break you up
Instead keep your gaze a couple of inches over their heads - it'll look the same, but could help you to stay focused on what you're doing

And I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

OatmilkandCookies · 17/04/2022 10:40

I'm so sorry for your loss 🎉
I did a reading at my sisters funeral and what I found helped me was practise it to your DH/DP or a close friend. I did cry every time I practised but it helped me familiarise myself with the words.
On the day I found a strength somewhere deep inside and was able to read the full thing. Its a hard thing to do but you will be so proud of yourself for getting through it 💓

OatmilkandCookies · 17/04/2022 10:41

So sorry - I meant flowers 💐 not the party emoji in my post

NoSquirrels · 17/04/2022 10:43

Everyone there is rooting for you because they also loved the person you loved.
This is absolutely the most important thing to remember. Your audience isn’t critical, they won’t judge you - they know how difficult this is to do. They wish you well. Try to feel supported by their love for your friend.

hopeishere · 17/04/2022 10:48

Keep it short. BIL droned on for 25 minutes at FIL's funeral. The minister's face was a picture!!

Candleabra · 17/04/2022 10:49

Remember everyone will understand if you can’t do it. My throat closes up and I can’t speak at funerals so I’m always in awe of anyone who can. All the advice here is amazing, but you could always ask the celebrant to read it for you.

Scuttlingherbert · 17/04/2022 10:51

I did this at the funeral of my boyfriend.
I didn't think I'd be able to do it. When I was talking to the vicar beforehand I kept crying and she kept emphasising how she can take over if I can't carry on. I think we both thought I'd cry too much to get through it.

But then, during the service, I was able to do it fine. It was like the emotional equivalent of how people suddenly get the strength to lift a car off a trapped toddler after an accident, and afterwards, don't know how they did it.

Even if you're distraught when practising, it can be completely different when you're up there. A like how your body knows to keep you going during exams and then you get ill the day after? But the opposite way round so you're letting some stuff out now.

And if you do feel a wave of emotion coming on when you're reading, just pause and take a breath until it crashes onto the shore.

So sorry you're going through this.

Greywhippet · 17/04/2022 10:53

Remember to use the funeral to grieve is my advice which I know sounds weird but I was so focused on holding it all together to give the best eulogy I could at the funeral that I kind of detached from the funeral and it wasn’t the cathartic experience it should have been. If you see what I mean. Also, type it double spaced in a large font so you can still read it despite tears or nerves. Give a copy to someone who can take over

Knittedfairies · 17/04/2022 10:56

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

I echo what everyone else has said; 5 - 10 minutes is quite long enough and definitely practise. I read the eulogy at my mum's funeral and cried every time I read it. And definitely speak to the 3 inches above heads; my brother was directly in front of me and his emotions almost did for me. I gave my husband and the celebrant a copy so either could step in if necessary but it wasn't. You'll be glad you did it for your friend; it's just about the last thing you can do for someone you love.

Hbh17 · 17/04/2022 11:05

I knew somebody who told herself she would NOT cry until the end of the funeral of a very close family member - and she didn't. She got thru the eulogy perfectly, and I remembered this when I spoke at a funeral a few years later. If you expect to cry, then it is more likely to happen. See it as a job, where you have to deliver, and it will help to take the emotion out of it.
It also helps to try to memorise the key points - just note them down on a card, don't have it all written out word for word & that will stop you constantly having your head bent over the paper.
Speak up & keep your head, looking towards the back of the room.
Above all, keep it brief.

abouttogoon · 17/04/2022 11:08

Absolutely what squirrels says, go slow and practice as much as possible 🌺 So sorry for your loss

Original poster
butterlover · 17/04/2022 11:18

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Totally prepared (and expecting) to cry, just need to make sure it doesn't overwhelm me.

I think it's 4 maybe 5 mins long, few little personal anecdotes and references which are a mix of lighthearted and fond memories.

Not looking at people is a good point.

I've whatsaped a few friends all of whom are going to be there on Thursday and we're meeting up later where we're all going to have a massive tears and snotters cry while I practice in front of people. One of them has offered to take a copy and sit in the wings if it all gets too much.

OP posts:
zingally · 17/04/2022 11:19

Writing a eulogy for my dad after his sudden passing, was easily one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

My best advice would be to practice, practice, practice. The first time I read it aloud, I had a panic attack. Make sure the first time you physically say it aloud, ISN'T in the crem, or wherever. Read it aloud in your kitchen, sit in the car and do it. Literally do it so often you practically know it from memory. Let the physical act of saying these things become something of a muscle memory.

On the day, give a copy to your vicar/celebrant/whoever, and if you do crumple, they will step in for you. I also asked my most sensible cousin to be my wing-woman. I'd asked her to sit on the end of a row, and be ready to jump up to support, if required. Knowing I had 2 fall-backs helped.

If your voice cracks, or wobbles, that's normal, people expect it. And honestly, I felt entirely "held" and supported by the entire audience. I could almost feel them willing me through it.

Looking back, I'm so glad I did it. So many people complimented me afterwards for my speech, and I'm sure dad would have been pleased.

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you strength.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/04/2022 12:27

I think it's 4 maybe 5 mins long, few little personal anecdotes and references which are a mix of lighthearted and fond memories

It sounds absolutely perfect, OP - heartfelt, a suitable length, and it's always good to include a few lighthearted bits which will also help to carry you through

Except with the kind of family it suits there's really no need for everyone to sit po-faced through these things, and a life well remembered is a wonderful thing to be a part of.
There'll be tears of course, but at the event's close I'm quite certain you'll look back and know you did her proud Flowers

doggiescats · 17/04/2022 12:34

Am so sorry. Friends are such special people who are irreplaceable 💕I wrote a eulogy for my darling Mum who died suddenly. I found that I kind of zoned out and that worked for me .
My 13 year old son also spoke and he was absolutely brilliant….he said he convinced himself he was in a drama class.
Somehow it will all come together. Good luck 💐

abigailsnan · 17/04/2022 12:45

I had a Celebrant conduct the eulogy for my wonderful husband who died very suddenly he was the most amazing man,he came to my home and my DD told him about my OH and his life,he spoke about him for 6/7 mins and afterwards he gave me a framed copy of the eulogy for me to keep as none of the family where caperable of speaking at the time.
Just take your time and as others have said have someone to call on if you find it too difficult,sending condolences for your loss.