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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

He is always late

16 replies

fendisna · 16/04/2022 21:11

DP and I live apart but he spends a lot of time here.

He will give me a time of when he will be arriving and more often than not it will be 30 mins + after the time he gave me.

Today, he left at 3pm (earlier than he originally said) and told me he would be back at 9pm. We planned to watch a film. He then text me at 8:50 saying he was just eating and then was going to his friend's house, and then to me. He guessed it would be at 10:30/11pm.

AIBU to be pissed off? He could've at least bloody let me know!!

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 16/04/2022 21:14

Yanbu. I’d start cancelling whenever he is late.

Imlovinglife · 16/04/2022 21:15

It sounds like you aren't a high priority to him. You probably need to think about how you feel about that and act accordingly.

I know people who put up with/accept being medium/low on their OH's priority list as they are a "catch"/special/etc - so each to their own, I suppose.

SaggyBlinders · 16/04/2022 21:16

I'd be annoyed with someone doing that to me. I'd be tempted to say I'm going to bed, stay at yours tonight.

How long have you been together for?

Does he live at home by any chance?

Original poster

fendisna · 16/04/2022 21:17

We have been together for a year and yes he lives at home. He is currently away for work (annual leave until next week) but will be returning to his parent's after the placement has finished.

OP posts:

TracyMosby · 16/04/2022 21:17

Im sorry but he cancelled your evening plans but basically told you he was coming over for sex / to sleep? Thats not acceptable.

Message back saying that time doesnt work for you and you will see him another time

Stop being a doormat.

Original poster

fendisna · 16/04/2022 21:17

I also did cancel for tonight. But I just said it was because I was tired and going to sleep

OP posts:

Bunnybingesoneggs · 16/04/2022 21:21

Start being very less available..
Or not at all.
.

SaggyBlinders · 16/04/2022 21:23

Thought he might.

So he spends a lot of time at yours. Does he offer you anything towards bills or food? Or does he just turn up when he feels like it and treats your house like his own?

PeachesToday · 16/04/2022 21:26

@Bunnybingesoneggs

Start being very less available.. Or not at all. .

100%

Ikeptgoing · 17/04/2022 10:30

I agree with others

Your DO expects you to hang around for him whenever he feels like turning up hours and hours late , including his just coming over to get in your bed with you instead of spend the evening together like planned. He's treating you like a booty call.

I would absolutely start saying "come over at the time you said & we agreed, or I won't wait and will start being as unreliable to you as you are to me, as it's bloody selfish- I am not a booty call. "

Please continue standing up for yourself OP - as he has relegated you to second and third best (after himself and friends) and will continue to treat you like this.

I'd be obvious about this rather than say I was tired and going to bed. I would say on the night " I am irritated that again you expected me to hold all my plans around you when you can't be bothered to arrive on time. It's not happening anymore.."

Orgasmagorical · 17/04/2022 10:37

Listen to what he's telling you, OP

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2022 10:50

You are not a priority for him. You've invested a year in this relationship, don't give it another day.

Shodan · 17/04/2022 10:51

I remember my DP being a bit lax about timekeeping in our early days of dating. A couple of conversations didn't fix the issue so one day I just went out.

Three quarters of an hour after he was supposed to arrive I got a text -"Where are you??" I told him I'd assumed he wasn't coming and had gone out instead but that if he wanted to wait I'd be home in half an hour.

He waited. After that, the only time he arrived late was if there was a genuine reason and he would let me know in good time.

Value yourself and your time, because no-one else will if you don't.

billy1966 · 17/04/2022 10:58

@Bunnybingesoneggs

Start being very less available.. Or not at all. .

OP,

When you accept this type of rudeness, you are setting yourself up for disrespect.

When a woman has self respect, this doesn't happen more than twice.

He's late, don't answer the door

It is small things like this that lay down the boundaries of a relationship.

He doesn't value your time, he believes you will hang around.

Big mistake.

Let him turn up late, so let him travel, but simply don't answer the door.

Flossie763 · 17/04/2022 11:00

@Shodan

I remember my DP being a bit lax about timekeeping in our early days of dating. A couple of conversations didn't fix the issue so one day I just went out.

He waited. After that, the only time he arrived late was if there was a genuine reason and he would let me know in good time.

Value yourself and your time, because no-one else will if you don't.

100% this OP

My ex was the same with timekeeping, we'd set a time for me to pick him up and he was NEVER ready. Tried having conversations about it, made no difference. I started leaving too, if we'd arranged to meet at say, 3pm, I'd wait till 10 past and leave. It could be 30/45 minutes before he'd message to ask where I was.

It's a horrible trait in someone and it doesn't get better. They don't value your time and he's showing you that he puts himself and his needs above yours, every time. Walk away.

billy1966 · 17/04/2022 11:00

@Shodan

I remember my DP being a bit lax about timekeeping in our early days of dating. A couple of conversations didn't fix the issue so one day I just went out.

He waited. After that, the only time he arrived late was if there was a genuine reason and he would let me know in good time.

Value yourself and your time, because no-one else will if you don't.

This.

I did similar variations of this.

No discussion but the message was clear if they were late.

Boundaries/ self respect.

Helps to weed out the wankers!

Flip