Ending a long term relationship- help!

[wilbowaggins]

I'm aware that this is fucking ridiculous, but I need advice on ending my relationship. We've been together 20 years, not married, no kids, but have a mortgage. He is mostly financially dependent on me and works only a few hours a week due to mental illness and alcoholism.

I'm done. We have nothing to say to each other anymore, everything he does annoys me and I'm fed up with working my arse off 12 hours a day, then coming home to do all the cooking, cleaning and paying the bills.

I haven't ever had to end a relationship like this. Last time I broke up with someone, I was 17 and just told him I didn't want to see him anymore!

Has anyone else been in this position? Where do I start?

Tell him it's over.

Have some suggestions in mind for the practicalities. If you are the main earner I guess you'd buy him out of his share of the mortgage? No more sharing a bed?

Over a few days/weeks thrash it out some more for a time frame and start making the moves required (e.g. Legals for mortgage or listing the house, looking for alternative accom for him etc)

Hopefully he won't fight you at every point and refuse to leave

Will he be surprised? How do you think he will react?

Also - ducks in a row = checking your home ownership (did you have an agreement when you bought together?); bank accounts/joint money etc.

Given his financial/employment/alcoholism situation i would imagine getting him to leave could be difficult. If you think it could be a struggle how would you feel about putting the house on the market and starting afresh? Given he won’t be able to buy you out.

He has his head firmly buried in the sand and claims that he doesn't see what could be making me unhappy. I don't think he will be angry as he's never even raised his voice, but I think he will just... ignore it. Think it will go away.

Everything is 50/50 in the house. We have our own bank accounts and share one joint account into which we are meant to transfer money to pay the mortgage and bills. It's around 80/20 split in terms of how much we each put in.

It will be really hard to get him to leave, I think. So yes, selling the house would be the best/preferred option for me.

Always difficult to end a relationship, but unless you want another 20+ years of unhappiness you need to bite the bullet. Forewarn him, we need to talk about something important, then arrange a time. Prepare for the discussion, what you plan to do, the timescale, how finances & house will be carved up etc. Give him food for thought than try to give him say a week to consider his plans. Then get an agreement for buying him out, or getting estate agent in to set wheels in motion. It won’t be easy but will be worth it in the long term.