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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to gift DH DNieces/Nephews but to only gift mine?

25 replies

Nervousandexcitedd · 16/04/2022 15:30

In a few weeks time it's Eid (like a muslim Christmas day maybe?) and every year since getting married (5 years ago), I get presents for my DH nieces and nephews and my nieces and nephews (who I've obviously been doing it for since they were born). Eid is always a big thing in my family where the kids get spoilt with gifts and cash whereas in my DH family they never made/make a thing of it. I wasn't aware of that so I'd go all out for all the kids (around 20 of them!). Each year my husband tells me not to make too much of a fuss but let's me get on with it because he knows how much this cheers the little ones up. And honestly, I love finding things I know the kids will love (and so far they have!).

This year however, he's saying not to get anything for his side of the family. No fallouts or anything but he feels like after having it really rough the last 2 years (not COVID, other stuff) and after having our own DC too, he's really got to see who's there for us in our time of need and who's not. And tbh, only one sibling showed up for us between all of them. And while I agree with him, I don't think it's fair to punish their kids for it. He's still adamant about leaving his family out but I'm feeling conflicted. I want to respect his wishes but considering I've been sending them gifts for the past 5 years and to now stop once I've had my own DC feels really shit. So what shall I do? I'm thinking do something small (but nice) for them and then next year we'll see if we want to carry on with this tradition or not. I'll still be doing my family though. Oh and also, I pay for everything. He always gives me the money for it but because it's my idea to do all this I never take it. Seems fair to me.

So,
YABU: DH is right, don't bother this year
YANBU: Give them all gifts, they're only kids

OP posts:

BestZebbie · 16/04/2022 15:34

Do you actually see them all over the relevant period to give the gifts? Do you get them more or similar than their parents or grandparents do?

In general, he knows his family better than you, so if there is a risk that it is embarrassing him or he feels resentful about the imbalance in effort, don't put it above your DHs feelings?

HirplesWithHaggis · 16/04/2022 15:36

I think I'd do it again this year, but take note if their parents reciprocate for your DC. If not, there's your answer for next year.

AchillesPoirot · 16/04/2022 15:37

Let him do for his side and you do for yours.

AchillesPoirot · 16/04/2022 15:37

Ugh. My post doesn’t make sense.

Let him do what he wants for his side and you do what you want for yours.

Threetulips · 16/04/2022 15:38

I’d listen to your husband - imagine if you said no gifts to your side and he did it anyway?

I see your point, but children aren’t punished by not receiving gifts they weren’t expecting - yours are just a bonus gift.

Let him speak for his family and enjoy yours.

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2022 15:40

Do your family, no his. He makes a fair point and he has asked you not to, so I wouldn’t.

Newestname002 · 16/04/2022 15:42

@Threetulips

I’d listen to your husband - imagine if you said no gifts to your side and he did it anyway?

I see your point, but children aren’t punished by not receiving gifts they weren’t expecting - yours are just a bonus gift.

Let him speak for his family and enjoy yours.

Yes this. I'd listen to what your husband is saying and not put your own relationship at risk. 🌹

Original poster

Nervousandexcitedd · 16/04/2022 15:44

@HirplesWithHaggis

I think I'd do it again this year, but take note if their parents reciprocate for your DC. If not, there's your answer for next year.

This is what I'm thinking too. I don't want it to be the case of tit for tat, find it really petty. But it's also a self preservation thing isn't it? My mum always made an effort for her nieces and nephews but when it wasn't reciprocated and she noticed how we were always the only ones with no gifts because no-one thought to get us anything despite her getting something for their kids every year, she stopped. Wasn't about affordability either.

And I see my ILs and my own family a different amount each as they all live in different parts of the UK. But I get along well with all of them.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 16/04/2022 15:50

OP,

Your husband has asked you not to and given his reason.

Whether you agree or not, IMO it is his family and out of respect for him you should follow his lead on HIS family.

Original poster

Nervousandexcitedd · 16/04/2022 15:53

@Threetulips

I’d listen to your husband - imagine if you said no gifts to your side and he did it anyway?

I see your point, but children aren’t punished by not receiving gifts they weren’t expecting - yours are just a bonus gift.

Let him speak for his family and enjoy yours.

I see where you're coming from but is it really not expected when I've been doing it every year since they've know me? And they know it's me lol. Whenever they say thank you to us, my DH just points to me and says it's all her. The guy just about gets my presents right, let alone a bunch of kids lol.

For context, the reason I'm overthinking this is because last year he told me to leave one siblings kids out as they're older and he doesn't see them anyway (fallout with his DP and they live far). Turns out they ended up visiting my ILs that day and my husband was embarrassed about being empty handed that he just gave them all cash. And cash works out more for us so not an option for 10+ kids if we turn up empty handed and he changes his mind.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2022 15:55

What’s wrong with tit for tat? The alternative is being a mug.

squashyhat · 16/04/2022 15:56

YABU for using gift as a verb.

Beelezebub · 16/04/2022 16:45

It’s your husbands side of the family, he’s got valid reasons, and he’s been saying for years not to do this - this year those reasons are more obvious than ever.

You need to take his lead and listen to him.

If this was the other way round you’d be really quite annoyed if he went against your wishes like this about something for your family.

Listen to him. What’s important to him for his own family should be more important to you than your own feelings in that regard.

Eightiesfan · 16/04/2022 16:52

Do you think your generosity could be the issue? When I got together with DP, we both lucky enough to own our own properties, cars and had good jobs. His brother and SIL were very materialistic but didn’t really have the funds to live the lifestyle they wanted. SIL was always making subtle digs at us, which DP didn’t really notice but as a woman I could sense her sarcastic passive aggressive behaviour a mile off.
Every Christmas DP would buy them an expensive present and I kept trying to explain that they will see it as us lording it over them. One year he bought them a huge wooden chest from Hotel Chocolat full of chocolaty goodness and she literally turned round and said she didn’t like dark chocolate, no thanks or anything. He finally got what I was trying to tell him.

Whatsmyname100 · 16/04/2022 17:37

@billy1966

OP,

Your husband has asked you not to and given his reason.

Whether you agree or not, IMO it is his family and out of respect for him you should follow his lead on HIS family.

Agree with this. It's disrespectful of you to go against what he has asked. He has asked this in particular because he noticed that when it came to something that was extremely important to him(your new child), he felt that it wasn't reciprocated. Why can't you respect his feelings? Do what you want for your family and let him deal with his.

phoenixrosehere · 16/04/2022 18:01

I’m on the fence tbh.

I get what he is saying BUT he should have put a stop to this earlier on because you’ve been giving gifts for 5 years now and depending on the ages, some of the children will likely notice now.

I don’t have an issue getting things for DH’s side regardless if it is reciprocated because it’s not the reason I bought them in the first place. DH doesn’t mind either but if a specific family member didn’t want me to but for their children then I wouldn’t.

phoenixrosehere · 16/04/2022 18:02

*buy

Dalooah · 16/04/2022 18:03

I understand your predicament. Instead of gifts, why don't you get boxes of chocolates/sweets/halal pick and mix type things/sweet cones for the kids. Then you can give them to the kids you do end up seeing, they'll probably be equally happy with sweet things and it'll save you being empty handed?

Pixiedust1234 · 16/04/2022 18:17

@Threetulips

I’d listen to your husband - imagine if you said no gifts to your side and he did it anyway?

I see your point, but children aren’t punished by not receiving gifts they weren’t expecting - yours are just a bonus gift.

Let him speak for his family and enjoy yours.

^This. How would you feel if he totally disregarded your feelings over something, whether or not it involved your family. You would hate it. Time to support your husband. Its his^ family.

Sceptre86 · 16/04/2022 18:40

If you don't actually see them on Eid why not just send a cake that they can all enjoy and remember you? If you do see them then you can buy eid boxes like party box or bag style and put a sweetie cone in and little things like bubbles etc depending on the age of the kids.

Eid isn't meant to be about the money or gifts and you probably put your dh in an awkward position when his side don't exchange those types of gifts. It's also not a time for tit for tat. If you want to give gifts do what you can afford and with an open heart or not at all.

Favouritefruits · 16/04/2022 18:46

I’d treat all the children the same, it’s not the children’s fault the parents are rubbish!

FlissyPaps · 16/04/2022 18:48

You sound lovely and very generous OP.

If it’s your money you’re using then you are in your rights to gift whatever you want to anyone you want.

If you DH is deciding against gifting his side of the family you can either take his word for it and spend more money (that you planned) on your nieces/nephews or gift small things sweets/cakes/cards to his nieces/nephews if you don’t want them to feel left out.

lemongreentea · 16/04/2022 18:59

You sound fair and generous OP but in this case I'd take his words on board and just sort out your side of the family. Maybe cake or chocs as a gift and he can give them cash if he likes.

Do your inlaws ever give gifts for your dc?

WildBlueAndDitzy · 16/04/2022 19:00

It would be worse to stop next year. You have a DC now, perfect time to shake up any situations that aren't working, like this situation isn't working for your DH. It might be your wages spent, but that's still money you can't spend elsewhere on your nuclear family because you've spent it on the extended family. Unless you're stinking rich and will never have to worry about money ever and can always have whatever you want, then you should put your DH wishes first on this. You're being quite disrespectful to him I think. You should have stopped the first time when he said his family don't do that tradition. It's not nice for him to witness you trying so hard for children who barely know you and whose parents don't give a fuck, who aren't there when life takes a downturn and you need a friend.

MrsAvocet · 16/04/2022 19:07

I thought it was going to be the other way round - you not wanting to buy for his nephews and nieces and him expecting you to do it. My answer to that was going to be "you buy for your family and tell him it's up to him to sort out his family presents".
That still stands. His family. His responsibility. Leave him to it.

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