To really just want to meet with friend without partner next time?

[UndertheCedartree]

My friend and I planned a trip to visit our mutual friend who lives in a city 3 hours away from us. We planned to drive up one day and spend the day together, stay over night (in a hotel) and then spend the next day together before heading home. We've been left quite disappointed and frustrated with the trip.

We arrived about lunchtime at our friend's flat. As soon as we walked in the smell of weed hit us. We were taking off our shoes and chatting and our friend told us she had a new partner. She then said are you ready to meet name? As it turned out the new partner was there! We entered the living room and could barely see due to the smoke! We sat down and had a chat and they were both (although more so the partner) constantly smoking weed or using a bong. Our friend was clearly very high. We decided we would go to the supermarket for wine and then we'd have a takeaway. We were looking forward to catching up, listening to music, having a few glasses of wine and having fun like we used to.

We ordered our takeaway but friend hadn't got any glasses for the wine out. So we ate our takeaway (while watching a film) and then the partner went to sleep in the living room. I then suggested we have some wine. Wine glasses were still not forthcoming so I asked if I could get some. Friend didn't want any wine so just myself and the friend I'd driven up with had a glass of wine. Friend said she would wake up her partner and we'd have a drink/listen to music and she suggested playing a card game. So partner woke up and said they wanted to put pyjamas on and asked friend to help them find some clean ones! They both left the room then both came in wearing pyjamas. They smoked weed and we drank our wine wondering when the evening would 'start'. Friend put the TV on and yawned that they were tired. We took the hint and went back to the hotel.

We decided we would meet them for breakfast then head home early. It was just a completely different dynamic having someone there we didn't know. We would bring up memories but then the partner would be left out so we'd try to chat about general things. It wasn't the catch up we wanted. We couldn't even ask her much about the new partner as they were there! And then obviously them being stoned just meant we were on completely different wavelengths! When we said our goodbyes I suggested next time we meet in a city in the middle of our city and hers. She said name do you fancy meeting in x city next time? On the drive home we decided we would make it clear we wanted to meet up just the 3 of us.

That's reasonable isn't it?

I would have left weed stinks!

Yep. Leave the boyf at home.

Sounds like it’s more the weed than the partner that’s the issue. Or does she only smoke because he does?

Yes, perfectly reasonable. I think you might have to be pretty blunt if you want it to just be 3 of you next time.

It’s such a shame when the dynamic shifts with a friend but you’re looking forward to experiencing old times. Don’t give up on her, this might be a blip. You never know what she’s going through with a new partner. I lost a lot of friends when I got with my ex (not because of drug taking but because I was depressed and he was possessive). Make sure to meet her elsewhere next time. Thank god you had your other friend with you or else that would have been extremely uncomfortable!

Was your friend like that before or only since she’s got with the new girlfriend? Was it unexpected?

Definitely make it clear it’s just the three of you next time. How to do that sensitively though I don’t know!

If somebody is stoned out of their face then they won't be doing anything. If your friend is regularly smoking weed then to have a day or wkend how you're hoping for you'll really need her to lay off it for a bit, at least whilst you're there or she'll just be going to sleep again

It’s a girlfriend isn’t it? Sounds like she thought it would be all girls together, but yes, one being a stranger to you is awkward. Keeping it to you three would be better, but to be honest, it doesn’t sound like she’s that interested.

Yeah he sounds like a loser and a leech, and he should have had the boys and empathy to leave you to it.

But I can’t help thinking your eagerness to get stuck into the wine is pretty much on a par with their need to get stoned.

I don’t smoke weed and I find pot heads tiresome but it’s no worse for you than drinking a shit ton of wine.

You were silly to stay in the first place. She was high, no good was ever going to come of the visit.

Nous and empathy not boys and empathy

Tbh after having to go out to the supermarket for wine I’d have gone back to the hotel, or suggested to the friend you travelled with that the 2 of you go out somewhere for dinner and drinks.

I wouldn’t have gone back to the flat.

Sounds like you’re going to have to be extremely blunt with the friend that you don’t want her bf tagging along - simply to get the information to penetrate through the haze.

Your friend and her new Gf are stoners. Stoners are boring.

You need a new friend.

Agree with PP, the partner is female.

Or some absolute tool.

I'd have left with friend and gone back to the hotel.

God, that sounds tedious.

They were stoned and boring, why on earth did you bother going back to the flat once you'd left to go to the supermarket?

This sounds like a friendship that's probably run its course. Might be time to leave the friend to her weed and the new relationship.

There’s no way I’d have stayed in the flat full of smoke, I’d have coughed my guts up.

It’s totally reasonable to ask her to come to you instead, especially with there being 2 of you in your town.

@ManateeFair

Sounds like it’s more the weed than the partner that’s the issue. Or does she only smoke because he does?

I have known her to smoke weed before. But like a couple of joints now and again. Nothing like this. They spent £140 buying some while we were there. Not sure it would last beyond a week at the rate they were going!

@Rno3gfr

It’s such a shame when the dynamic shifts with a friend but you’re looking forward to experiencing old times. Don’t give up on her, this might be a blip. You never know what she’s going through with a new partner. I lost a lot of friends when I got with my ex (not because of drug taking but because I was depressed and he was possessive). Make sure to meet her elsewhere next time. Thank god you had your other friend with you or else that would have been extremely uncomfortable!

Oh, we absolutely won't give up on her! She is a very dear friend.

@YellowPlant

Was your friend like that before or only since she’s got with the new girlfriend? Was it unexpected?

Definitely make it clear it’s just the three of you next time. How to do that sensitively though I don’t know!

She occasionally had a joint before. Nothing like this!

@magicstar1

It’s a girlfriend isn’t it? Sounds like she thought it would be all girls together, but yes, one being a stranger to you is awkward. Keeping it to you three would be better, but to be honest, it doesn’t sound like she’s that interested.

Yes, it is a girlfriend. I know it doesn't sound from my account that she was interested but she was very excited to see us.

@Thepeopleversuswork

Yeah he sounds like a loser and a leech, and he should have had the boys and empathy to leave you to it.

But I can’t help thinking your eagerness to get stuck into the wine is pretty much on a par with their need to get stoned.

I don’t smoke weed and I find pot heads tiresome but it’s no worse for you than drinking a shit ton of wine.

I take your point, however, they smoked weed for the entire day. Joint after joint, bong after bong. Not sure I was that eager with the wine as we didn't have a glass til gone 9pm. I wasn't going to drink a 'shit ton' of wine. We had bought a bottle for the 3 of us. I would have had a couple of spritzers!

@BoodleBug51

You were silly to stay in the first place. She was high, no good was ever going to come of the visit.

Well, we'd travelled all that way and booked a hotel. We were still glad to see our friend even if not as fun as expected. Plus it would have really upset her if we'd just left!

@pigsDOfly

God, that sounds tedious.

They were stoned and boring, why on earth did you bother going back to the flat once you'd left to go to the supermarket?

This sounds like a friendship that's probably run its course. Might be time to leave the friend to her weed and the new relationship.

We went back because we wanted to spend the evening with our friend. I don't think the friendship has run its course. She's a very close friend and I wouldn't dream of giving up on her. I think she needs our support more than ever.

@Ionlydomassiveones

She might be a ‘dear friend’ to you but you clearly don’t mean that much to her. She didn’t exactly go out of her way to make much of your visit. I’d ditch her quite frankly, if nothing else, but making you sit in weed smoke all night while they sat in their pjs not giving a shit about your efforts and your evening.

I know it doesn't come over in my OP but actually we are really close and I know we mean a lot to her. I absolutely wouldn't ditch her.