AIBU to feel like I am crap at parenting

[IAmADancer]

I’m really struggling at the moment with my 6 yr old DS. Nothing I do is right. He moans about everything from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed. He has gone from being a happy carefree child to a shouty, whining, tantrummy nightmare. I feel so upset and despondent and feel as if I am failing him.

He is due to have an adhd and add assessment in May due to some of his behaviours. He is very bad with change and if you decide to change something last minute it will end up in a meltdown. If you ask him to do anything he doesn’t want to, he cries or shouts, if you tell him we need to go out it’s the same thing. If I say enough tv now same response. I’m so exhausted by it and feel so run down with the constant daily fights. He never seems happy, everything is wrong and I just don’t know what to do.

He has a twins sister and she is now suffering from insomnia which we think is due to what’s been happening.
We limit screen time/tv, we eat healthily, they have a bedtime routine, they have small chores each week, they loose Nintendo etc for bad behaviour but nothing works. He’s just sullen and angry.

I feel like I’m failing everyday and I have a child that doesn’t like me. I feel really shit and it’s starting to affect my day to day. Does anyone have any advice?

Any advice on navigating adhd would be so appreciated

Have you looked into demand avoidance?

I know it sounds like pandering to him but you kind of need to make him think some things are his idea and also give options. So instead of saying "put your shoes on" you say "it's time for shoes, are you going to put on your trainers or boots now?" Then he will feel like you're not telling him why to do, he's choosing what to do.

I hope that makes sense. My son is autistic and demand avoidance is a bit issue so we have to work around it.

You might want to ask on the SEN board.

Also give plenty of warning before ending something like tv time. So say, tv will be off in 10 minutes. And then let him know when it's 5 minutes etc. what I do is ask how long is left of the episode my son is watching and if it's a reasonable amount of time I say once that episode is finished it needs to go off. Then it's not me making it happen, it's the episode ending which means it's going off and he doesn't have to struggle with only watching half a episode and not finishing it.

I found the book calmer easier happier boys helpful. I agree with giving choices and always giving a warning before it’s time to turn the tv off etc. I also use timers so it’s the timer saying their time is up, not me, that has helped with my DC. I also prepare DC for what’s happening that day and the next day and let them know as soon as any chances have to be planned and explain why. I also think pick your battles, I let things go that I didn’t think I would as a parent because since his diagnosis of ASD I’m aware he isn’t just being naughty he’s struggling, a lot.

Cross posted with PP. I took too long to type!

I think he is struggling a lot and I just don’t know how to help him.

My DH gets very stressed with it and it all just escalates. Everyone is just angry all the time and I feel so stressed out by it all.

Post this on the SEN board. Last minute changes and transitions from one activity to another can be very distressing.

Visual plans/instructions might help.

Each evening try writing out a plan for the next day in much detail as you can. It will take some trial and error to work out how much detail he needs and how much detail you can commit to. For example, can you commit to exactly what time everything will happen or just a rough order for the day? Can you commit to the food that will be served at each meal or just whether it will be hot or cold food etc.

Put the plan in his room where he can see it before he goes to sleep and when he wakes up.

Give plenty of warnings before transitions and try to minimise transitions as much as possible, for example by limiting after school activities and playdates or in school holidays going out only once per day so that you don't have the shoes on/shoes off drama more than once.

If you go to regular activities, park in the same place.

If you have a friend for tea, prepare you DS for where everyone will sit at the table etc.

Agree with previous posters who suggested alarms/TV programs natural endings and demand avoidance techniques.

Write a meal plan out the day before (or for the week if you are organised enough).

Write out a list of things to be done before bed, eg brush teeth, use toilet etc or a list for leaving the the house and allow him to tick them off as he does them. If he would respond to a reward for ticking off all the items then this might help focus him but some autistic people find that more stressful. Keep the tasks on the list to the absolute minimum, eg 1) use toilet 2) put shoes on 3) grab coat.

I understand how exhausting and overwhelming this thread might seem when you are already at the end of your rope. My advice would be to choose one thing to try this week and see how it goes, for example writing out a plan for tomorrow's activities and going through it with him before bed. This will take some practice for you as mentioned above.

Good luck. Little things like this can make a big difference and might really help.

I've done a fair bit of research recently into "highly sensitive children" as it is basically my dd to a tee although mostly she manifests it as massive anxiety. It's worth a look as many traits are similar to asd, adhd etc as they're all neurodiversities. There's a lot of information on how to support HSC which I have found helpful

I highly recommend the book “How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen”. It tackles a lot of these topics, very helpfully and positively.

Just to add, you are not crap at parenting, it's just that your child needs parenting in a different way. You have actually done him a huge favour by recognising this and doing this research and trying to get him assessed, none of those things are easy by the way! Especially when you have been ground down like you are.

Good luck

You just need to be firmer with him.

Any cheek or attitude warrants a punishment, taking the Nintendo away isn’t working, so you need to up the ante. What else could you use as a consequence for poor behaviour?

You are the grown up here, and he needs to respect that, what you say goes and that’s the end of the matter - your decisions (re screens/changes of plan) are final and not up for debate.

You need to be the one in charge here OP, he just needs reminding of it from time to time.

I do countdowns a lot with my little boy who is 5. He sometimes struggles with transitions. So yesterday in fact, I was pushing him on a swing, and there were other children waiting.
I said, "there are other children waiting, so 1 more minute of pushes."
"30 seconds left of pushes."
"10 more pushes."
"Last 2 pushes."
"Now it's time for the other children to have a go. Can you get down on your own, or shall I help you?"

I used to use the counting down technique with my DSs on the swings etc and it worked well. I’d make the last push a great big one and then slow it down and they’d get off without a fuss. Plus the other kids and parents know you’re finishing soon.

Absolutely ignore what OhDearThatWasntGreatWasIt said. Your kid has medical reasons why he is the way he is and it isn't because he is naughty and you need to be firmer. In most instances that will make the situation worse.

@Goldfishjones

Post this on the SEN board. Last minute changes and transitions from one activity to another can be very distressing.

Visual plans/instructions might help.

Each evening try writing out a plan for the next day in much detail as you can. It will take some trial and error to work out how much detail he needs and how much detail you can commit to. For example, can you commit to exactly what time everything will happen or just a rough order for the day? Can you commit to the food that will be served at each meal or just whether it will be hot or cold food etc.

Put the plan in his room where he can see it before he goes to sleep and when he wakes up.

Give plenty of warnings before transitions and try to minimise transitions as much as possible, for example by limiting after school activities and playdates or in school holidays going out only once per day so that you don't have the shoes on/shoes off drama more than once.

If you go to regular activities, park in the same place.

If you have a friend for tea, prepare you DS for where everyone will sit at the table etc.

Agree with previous posters who suggested alarms/TV programs natural endings and demand avoidance techniques.

Write a meal plan out the day before (or for the week if you are organised enough).

Write out a list of things to be done before bed, eg brush teeth, use toilet etc or a list for leaving the the house and allow him to tick them off as he does them. If he would respond to a reward for ticking off all the items then this might help focus him but some autistic people find that more stressful. Keep the tasks on the list to the absolute minimum, eg 1) use toilet 2) put shoes on 3) grab coat.

I understand how exhausting and overwhelming this thread might seem when you are already at the end of your rope. My advice would be to choose one thing to try this week and see how it goes, for example writing out a plan for tomorrow's activities and going through it with him before bed. This will take some practice for you as mentioned above.

Good luck. Little things like this can make a big difference and might really help.

This is all great advice and has given me some new ideas to try with my kids. Thank you

Thanks everyone, there are some great ideas here and advice that I will try. Appreciate everyone’s input

@UsernameIsNotAvailableRightNow

Absolutely ignore what OhDearThatWasntGreatWasIt said. Your kid has medical reasons why he is the way he is and it isn't because he is naughty and you need to be firmer. In most instances that will make the situation worse.

I agree with this. Believe me I do sympathise as a mum to dc with autism. Threats, being firm, etc just do not work. It does require a very different style of parenting and please ignore the judgemental types. He is your dc and you do what you need to do to get through the day.