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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is warning somebody about domestic abuse the right thing to do?

25 replies

Verity226 · 16/04/2022 09:40

A person I know has form for hitting every woman he's ever been in a relationship with, he has been convicted several times aswell as having a long list of NFA's where his exes have sadly dropped the charges. Children have been taken into care as a result of his violence toward ex partners. He's just repugnant.

An acquaintance of mine posted some photos on Facebook of a night out and that bloke was in them with a woman I don't know but she was tagged. Her profile showed her to be in a relationship with him.

I wanted to send her a message warning her about his past and did so before I really thought it through. I sent her some screenshots from the local telegraph detailing one of his convictions and recommended she make an application for a claires law disclosure. I told her about the 4 other women I know about.

She replied fairly quickly and was really nice, she said she was taken aback but thanked me for letting her know. I don't know whether she intends on staying with him but she has the relevant information now.

I have an uneasy feeling this morning, I'm worried that she might tell him about the message and it put her in danger if she chooses to confront him. I'm not concerned about myself, I live on the other side of the country and he's no threat to me, I just have a knot of anxiety in my stomach.

My decision to contact her stems from having been through domestic abuse myself, different bloke but very much of the same ilk. I'm not sure how I would have dealt with receiving that kind of message at the time, being young I would have probably told my then partner about it.

Do you think I've done the right thing or not?

OP posts:

Vsirbdo · 16/04/2022 09:44

I think you’ve done the right thing; yes confronting him may put her in danger but just as much danger as she’s already in through being with him.
I would imagine though that his first defence will be to say it’s all lies and the women are making it up blah blah blah and hopefully she’ll then have a think and back off from him.

ThinWomansBrain · 16/04/2022 09:45

you've given her the information, up to her what she does with it. (and how she does it)

You've done what you can, don't worry about it further

MintJulia · 16/04/2022 09:45

She has the information now. She can choose to act or to ignore it as she wishes.

You've done the right thing.

Butterfly44 · 16/04/2022 09:47

Yes. I would want to know. I would think any woman would tbh. You did the right thing. She can then decide for herself

00Aybee · 16/04/2022 09:48

I think you've done the right thing. Your information is factual based and not on hear say with no other ulterior motive than to give the woman the heads up. I wish someone would have given me an insight into what I was letting myself in for in my past. It would have saved a lot of heartache and wasted time . These people mask it well so what the woman chooses to do with the information is up to her but your conscience is clear

x2boys · 16/04/2022 09:49

You have given her the information, what she chooses to do with it ,is up to.her now.

superplumb · 16/04/2022 12:11

You've done the right thing. Nothing wrong with looking out for another person. You have evidence of this so it's not like its rumours . Ultimately it's up to her what she does with the information

ManateeFair · 16/04/2022 12:15

You have 100% done the right thing.

MissMaple82 · 16/04/2022 12:15

It will make no odds

Original poster

Verity226 · 16/04/2022 12:17

Thanks all I'm glad people agree it was the right thing to do

OP posts:

SeedyBloomer · 16/04/2022 12:19

Absolutely the right thing to do. Not sure why anyone has voted YABU: why on earth would it be better if a woman wasn’t warned that she was in a relationship with a serial abuser of women?! This could save her life, or, as a minimum, protect her from being yet another of his victims.

Nicolarer · 16/04/2022 12:20

I think you have done the right thing. Now may not be the time for her to accept it, but you may have helped plant the seed, that makes her question things earlier.

PonyPatter44 · 16/04/2022 12:23

Just adding my voice to those that say you've done the right thing. You've given her information that might save her life.

YayitisfinallySpring · 16/04/2022 12:48

I was the victim of both physical and verbal DV. My XH's behaviour caused me to flee with my DC. He then was in a relationship with a new girlfriend. I warned her what I had been through and she laughingly dismissed it because he was in a profession she admired and couldn't believe that what I said was true. Many years and a child later, she was terminally ill and apologised to me for not listening. He had led her a terrible life with abuse and she would have been spared if she had believed me. I didn't stop her from suffering at his hands, but my conscience was clear.

billy1966 · 16/04/2022 12:51

Absolutely the right thing to do.

If she is silly enough to ask him directly without checking it out, that is really on her.

BeautifulDragon · 16/04/2022 12:56

I think you've done the right thing, but would probably block him (and maybe her) and distance myself from the situation.

Goldfishjones · 16/04/2022 13:10

You've done the right thing. It was made public in the newspaper.

Original poster

Verity226 · 16/04/2022 13:15

Yayits That's so sad, that poor woman.

I have blocked him, did it as soon as I'd spoken to her. He can't do anything to me but I would expect an angry message from him if he knew it came from me.

She said she's known him loosely for years and had never heard anything like this about him so she was really taken aback. I'm just stunned that it was news to her. I thought everybody knew what he was like.

Their relationship status update was on her wall with about 90 likes on and people saying how lovely it was. I just can't believe nobody else bothered to warn her.

He does a good job of painting the 'crazy ex' picture though. The ex of his who I know personally - he's managed to convince people she's nuts.

OP posts:

Dogknowsbest · 16/04/2022 13:36

Yes, you've done the right thing. It's up to her what she does with the information but hopefully if she's sensible she'll finish it without feeling the need to discuss it with him.

I understand your anxiety though. I wish there was help and advice out there to help women safely end these relationships.

Trippingslippingx1 · 16/04/2022 14:00

If she had googled his name would the newspaper report have appeared?

I matched with a guy once on a dating app and by using his first name, job title and where he stayed in the city I was able to work out from google articles and pictures he had been in jail.

Would she have been able to do this for him?

oliviastwisted · 16/04/2022 14:26

I really admire you for doing that Verity so many people would have stayed our of it but that was a very kind and brave action you took.

Original poster

Verity226 · 16/04/2022 14:32

...

OP posts:

Original poster

Verity226 · 16/04/2022 14:33

Why was that post hidden I'm confused?

All I said was that the article was no longer indexed on Google but I had screenshots from when it was

OP posts:

DinosaurDuvet · 16/04/2022 14:39

You have done the right thing op, and I’m sorry you have been through that yourself ❤️

Original poster

Verity226 · 16/04/2022 14:43

Something went wrong with my above post, no idea what.

What I said was that the DV article used to be indexed on Google but no longer was, it has also been removed from the telegraph's website for some reason. I assume he's managed to have it removed. However I took screenshots when it was online, in 2015, as I remembered sending it to a friend and was able to dig them out from an old chat on messenger.

If you Google his name you can see other police notifications, such as him being wanted for possession of drugs, but nothing about domestic abuse.

I've told her it'll all be accessible with a claires law anyway, there is so much more than has ever been put online and I bet I don't know the half of it myself.

OP posts:

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