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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband’s porn use

21 replies

MrsDreamer · 15/04/2022 23:41

I think my husband and I have a healthy sex life. But it’s always rather difficult for me to accept his online porn use. I am aware that he is not a saint, but I always wonder, if he could somehow minimise his online activities?
When we got married, I was somehow oblivious to his use of porn, until at one time, I coincidentally saw a website. I knew, but didn’t give it much thought, because I found it to be nothing extraordinary if he watches it now and then. But after several years, he started to what I perceive as indulging in that activities. By indulging, I mean, he would leave the bed in the middle of the night for an hour or so to be in another room. He would also spend a few mins in the bathroom in the mornings to take care of himself. At one ugly period of our marriage where we had to be apart for almost half a year because of work, I found out that he actually communicated with several cam girls (from another country) personally. I confronted him about this, he said he was sorry, but he continued doing this again for several more months. I even got to know that he spent a lot of money on one cam girl in particular. He doesn’t know that I knew about this because I was doing my own sleuthing.
Fast forward, I believe he is not communicating personally with these cam girls anymore, but he still indulges in online porn by spending around an hour several times in a week. On top of that, I know that he is being online now and then at this porn site while he is at work (probably when he is sitting at the toilet or not busy working). He checks stuff on this site several times a day (on top of the indulge that I’ve mentioned).
I did tell him that I didn’t like the effects of porn in a marriage, but I didn’t specify it on him.
Am I being unreasonable if I prefer him to limit his porn use? After all; we are still having regular sex?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2022 23:42

He's disgusting. You should have left him years ago.

spotcheck · 15/04/2022 23:49

Ew

You are minimising

He 'used' ( used being the operative word) cam girls? And he is addicted to porn? 'Indulging' is having an extra slice of cake, it ISN'T supporting an industry that sheilds trafficking, and debases women.

Ew

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 15/04/2022 23:57

I think you’ve normalised this behaviour. This is not okay.

dontblamemee · 16/04/2022 00:16

Not sure I'd want to have sex with him tbh

Dad808 · 15/05/2022 00:00

He's a porn addict, try and get him some help with a psychotherapist (if he recognises it's a problem).

caringcarer · 15/05/2022 00:10

He is putting his job at risk by visiting porn websites in work time. Imagine how you would feel if he lost his job because of his addiction.

LicoricePizza · 15/05/2022 00:15

I hate how easy it has become for men to do this & think they can justify live sexual interaction with another woman as just porn. It’s not it’s betrayal. I’d find that crossing a line from just porn to cheating.

Lockheart · 15/05/2022 00:15

It sounds like he's developed a serious addiction. Would he be receptive to getting professional help?

Dad808 · 15/05/2022 00:28

Sad world we live in where everything is oversexualised.

Fromthebirdsnest · 15/05/2022 01:24

He needs help he's clearly addicted to porn .. I don't have an issue with port and wouldn't be upset if my husband watched it , but he its watching it at work? And several times a week thats not normal .. if you love him then take him to the gp for a referral to MH services... sorry your going though this op x

FlyingMasticatedParticles · 15/05/2022 01:28

I've read so many of these threads today. Porn really is a scourge on society. I would make plans to leave him.

catfunk · 15/05/2022 08:16

I'm pretty relaxed about porn compared to most of mn. But he's got a big issue here. And he's cheated on you with a paid sw. I'd have to kick him out.

IamnotSethRogan · 15/05/2022 08:22

I was ready to say you were being unreasonable based on your title but blimey he has a problem!

An hour at a time ? Who watches porn for an hour at a time? Surely it's 3 mins, job done, see you next time ?

The fact that he kept using cam girls after you discovered it is dreadful! There is seriously something wrong that he needs to get help for but you don't have to put up with this.

I'm sure my husband watches porn but I wouldn't really know because he doesn't dedicate so much of his life to it

Mally100 · 15/05/2022 08:37

Yet again, why are you putting up with this??

FlyingMasticatedParticles · 15/05/2022 09:35

Probably because we're being groomed as a society to have zero boundaries around porn and the sex industry.

OhamIreally · 15/05/2022 10:11

Is he a Tory MP?

LampLighter414 · 15/05/2022 10:15

Outside of him perhaps disturbing you in the middle of the night when he leaves the room, how is this affecting you?

The cam girl stuff is now in the past. I imagine most replies will focus on this but if you have accepted, forgave and moved on then there is not much else I see that is affecting you.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 15/05/2022 10:15

@FlyingMasticatedParticles

Probably because we're being groomed as a society to have zero boundaries around porn and the sex industry

This ^

More info here;

fightthenewdrug.org/

TruckerMother · 18/02/2024 00:33

Live webcam is personal interaction, it is CHEATING! End of. Are you happy with him cheating?

Xenoi24 · 18/02/2024 01:05

Cam "girls" are cheating to me.

Also spending family money in them.
No, no, no

JMSA · 18/02/2024 01:17

I would HATE this. All of it.

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