I hate myself so much

[mannersplease]

My mom has completely affected the person I am now as an adult and I don’t know how to change it. I prethink EVERYTHING and can’t act normally in a social situation without having to think in my head before speaking every single word, then playing it over later on and crucifying myself for saying the wrong thing or being awkward or just generally not being happy with how I am socially.
Just a quick backstory (it’s very boring so I’ll make it short!) my mom was a good parent overall and I still love her and am grateful for everything she’s ever done for me, but I’m annoyed at the way she treated me as a child.

She used to put the feelings of her friends and partner (she had a lot) over mine. I felt a bit like a trophy- we never went to normal childhood places (softplay, bowling, playdates with friends) because she said all that was boring immature nonsense. She would go out for cocktails, lunch, dinner, drinks with her friends and various partners and I would have to come with her. I spent my childhood in expensive restaurants or fancy holidays and trips, and I know this makes me sound ungrateful but I dreaded every second of it.

My mom was obsessed with acting properly and me being polite and very much quiet and out of the way (unless someone decided to speak to me, in which case I had to say exactly the right thing in the right way and answer their questions correctly and politely) or my mom would have been extremely angry at me. If she wasn’t happy with how I acted (sometimes things as simple as saying thank you instead of thank you very much) she would give me silent treatment, ignore me, shout at me, guilt trip me that I wasn’t going to see the rest of my family because my dad had turned me into a rude vile monster. I lived on my nerves about embarrassing her or behaving in an incorrect way incase it upset her. I tried so hard to make her happy with me but it felt like nothing was ever good enough. This was between the ages of 5 and 13 by the way.

One example that sticks in my head was out in a restaurant I had asked for a children’s dinner and my mom was livid because it’s disgusting food and I should be more mature and order something showier infront of her friends and I humiliated her and she was furious with me for even asking. All I wanted was a pizza. The entire trip home she shouted at me and swore and told me I was an embarrassment and I remember feeling so heartbroken that she hated me.

The next time we went out, I was given the wrong thing that I hadn’t ordered. I quietly told her and said please, sorry, thank you and tried to be polite and she called the waiter and got the food sorted. Everything seemed fine and I was happy. Then on the way home she was off with me (her partner had broken up with her and she was upset) and started to shout at how embarrassing I was. I was always causing a fuss and all her friends would think I was a spoilt brat. She hated me and was disgusted with the ignorant idiot I had become. She ignored me all night until she decided she had forgiven me.

The next time we went out I was a lot more nervous. I ordered a meat dish which came completely raw, not just undercooked, it was a slab of raw meat. I ate it (and wondered why it was so cold and jelly-like!) but I didn’t want to cause a fuss after last time so I kept eating without saying anything. Of course one of her friends realised I was eating raw meat and told my mom. I was in a serious amount of trouble on the way home for being so dumb to just sit there and eat it without opening my mouth, and apparently her friends would all think I was a r*tard (starring as its an awful word) and that I humiliated her and I’m a disgrace and a let down and she wished she wasnt stuck with me.

Life was like this until I became a teenager and had more freedom and got away thankfully.

But now, as an adult, I still walk on eggshells in certain social situations and stress myself out. People think I’m awkward, and nervous, and weirdly obsessed with saying thank you. I’m fine in situations with people I’m familiar and comfortable with, and I have no issues at work with customers as they don’t mean anything to me on a personal level. It’s just when I want to please or be liked by someone that I struggle (eg new friends, new boss, extended family). How can I be normal in social situations? Does anyone have any advice for how I can switch off my brain and just be me?

Wow that is much longer than I meant it to be. Sorry about that but thanks anyone who reads any or all of it

Your life sounds very similar to mine with my mum. She’s obsessed with what other people think and how they behave and how we “weren’t raised right”. It’s exhausting. It’s made me very socially awkward and uncomfortable. I feel like now my brain is hardwired this way and changing it is difficult. Have you seen a therapist?

Oh my word. I am so sorry you had to deal with that. Her behaviour was not normal and does not sound at all like ' a good parent overall.'

I strongly recommend you search for the Stately homes thread on here.
"a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!"

I think you may need time to fully process and understand how abusive her behaviour was before you can start being 'more normal' in social situations.

I’m so sorry OP that you feel that way. You should definitely not be hating yourself. You can’t help what was done to you, you were a child. You’re a good person. Like the previous poster said it may help to talk through your feelings with a professional. I think in life some things just stick and can really eat us up. However you deserve better and should have confidence in yourself. It will come with time.

That sounds awful parenting to me, sorry you had to go through it

my mom was a good parent overall and I still love her and am grateful for everything she’s ever done forme

Why do you feel you need to say this?

It doesn’t sound like she was a good parent overall. It sounds like she was frequently abusive.

Counselling/therapy sounds appropriate.

So firstly I don’t think your mum was a good parent OP. That can be hard to face up to. She didn’t put your needs ahead of her own or those of others and she denied you many experiences of childhood.

Of course you second guess everything you say because you were not given the opportunity to develop your own sense of self as a child - you were always so worried about giving the right impression that you never had the freedom to discover who you really are.

Just recognising that in itself can be a powerful way to start healing.

I would really recommend reading Homecoming by John Bradshaw. It’s all about healing your inner child. That might sound a bit fluffy but it makes a lot of sense and really helped me make sense of some childhood trauma that I’d spent 20 years convincing myself was no big deal.

I'm sorry. It sounds like your mother was emotionally abusive towards you.

OP yes you will get there. I'm almost there.

That would be hurtful and embarrassing to anyone. But I think this part is totally normal - I prethink EVERYTHING and can’t act normally in a social situation without having to think in my head before speaking every single word, then playing it over later on and crucifying myself for saying the wrong thing or being awkward or just generally not being happy with how I am socially. This is how most people are, isn't it? I know I am. There's been so many threads on here about being awkward, and 3am replaying old conversations and cringing sessions.

Don't think you are different or too damaged etc for doing this. It's much more common than not.

Your mother was emotionally abusive towards you and failed to give you a foundation upon which to build self esteem. This is why you have such crippling doubt and question yourself. You may want to consider therapy. It may also be helpful to know that many people have that same self doubt, this is why small talk exists- so that people have a way to exchange meaningless pleasantries from a set menu of acceptable phrases. So that they don't have to analyze their own conversation. But that's no way to live. I'm sure your efforts are fine, unless you are actively insulting someone. People may even enjoy you more without the artificial chit chat.
But anyway, you need to learn to love yourself. You deserve it.

She wasn't a good mother just like mine wasn't. Sure I can give examples of her being good ,but when she was bad,she was actually abusive . Plenty of examples of those too. A lot being about appearances and what will people think too.

Ideally you would see a therapist and get help to unpick your thought patterns and reactions. What is reasonable and even normal, and what is conditioning,trauma response and her voice in your head telling you what a disappointment you are.

Doing it on your own will be hard and a much longer and convoluted road. First you need to accept and acknowledge she wasn't a good mother and see her for who she is. Then realise that her opinion and approval don't actually matter. Then see yourself for who you really are, not eho she taught you you are. Learn to love, appreciate ,respect and trust yourself. Then slowly (really slowly) instead of thinking of what your mother would say or do or think, do what you want to do. You'll learn that the world won't combust, people won't run away screaming or think the worst of you.

It's a very long journey and I'm still on it and I still have wobbles at times so I wouldn't recommend it doing it on your own.

I think cbt would be amazing for you.

Your mum doesn’t know how lucky she is to have you.

Your mum does sound like she was abusive. I couldn't forgive that.

However, I don't like this Freudian fashion of blaming all your shortcomings on your childhood - it's lazy psychology and it's disempowering. As a pp said, it's a normal personality trait to be awkward or slightly anxious socially. Your childhood is one part of your past, but there is your more recent past and your present that has affected your personality too. You are in control of your life now and in the future. You don't need to be doomed by your childhood. You can read self help books about gaining social confidence. Or get therapy as pp have said, but I'd be wary of a therapist who encourages you to rehash your past too much. It's making you defeatist about your present (in my view, after just reading your op)