Today I hate being a parent

[SomeQuietPlease]

Single parent with 1 DC aged 7, just me and them at home. DC hasn’t seen ExH for a few weeks, he’s having them for the next two weeks then will go a few weeks without seeing them, it’s not what we agreed but I can’t force him to see them.

DC is very insecure, their teacher, a counsellor and members of my family have noticed. DC talks constantly, from the moment they open their eyes until the moment they go to sleep, if they sleep, some nights they fight sleep to talk to me.

It’s exhausting, but it’s their way of making sure I don’t “forget” them, the more they talk, the less likely I am to forget them. There may also (very likely is) be learning difficulties at play.

I have never forgotten them, not once, not even in those sleep deprived early days, not even when they go to their dads overnight, not when they’re at school, not ever. I’m always thinking about them, planning fun things for us to do together, and organising childcare or activities for when I’m working and can’t look after them.

Today has been exhausting, from the moment they woke up. My request for a few minutes of quiet was met with “But I have to tell you this” or “just this one more thing and then this…”.

I had to be in sight at all times. Tried to get them to play at the park while I sat on a bench but they wouldn’t leave my side so we went home.

They then refused to walk home, so I ended up carrying them, which took over 2 hours – the park is only a quarter of a mile away but they refused to walk, everytime I tried they’d sit on the floor refusing to move, I couldn’t get out of sight as the park is on the same road as our flat.

Then when we got home I walked out my front door and sat on the stairs for some quiet and less than a minute later DC is there talking constantly. If they had nothing new to say they’d retell me something in a different way, I heard the same story 3 times, I wouldn’t mind but I was actually there when this story actually happened.

They have to show me something on the TV or in their game or on the ipad, so I can’t even escape to the kitchen to cook (very small kitchen, table is in the living room).

I am done today. And I’m not working again until Wednesday, I have no idea how I will cope with 4 more days of this constant.

It’s exhausting being someones constant and I hate myself for saying that, but I just want to breathe, I want to sleep uninterrupted by a small person who absolutely must tell me that their feet where too hot or a cat outside sneezed while chasing a bird or their teachers favourite colour is green.

AIBU I know but I'm either working to keep a roof over DCs head or caring for DC, I never seem to get just silence.

@returntoUK

People have suggested lots of sticking plaster ideas but it sounds like you need professional health. Have you spoken to the GP about dc?

for you, it sounds brutal and relentless.

@returntoUK Spoken to the GP and the school but hit a bit of a stumbling block with the LDs, school agree there's something and have referred to somewhere but the waiting list is such that it'll likely be Year 6 (currently 3) or later before a diagnosis. We're trying to get an EHCP but can't get an assessment so waiting on a tribunal date for that to hopefully speed up diagnosis.

GP said it wasn't their area to deal with.

A timer where he can see the countdown eg on the oven. Start small eg quiet for 30 seconds, then build up

My ds was like this a lot when he was primary school age. In the holidays I would explain that we would have 30 minutes when we could play whatever he wanted . For that 30 minutes he had my absolute undivided attention and his play was completely led by him . I followed his lead ( within reason). We always ended up playing very physically active games and also some very basic role playing stuff that he led on. I found it quite hard as even 30 mins was difficult for me but I kept cheerful and spent the just focussed on him even if it was often exhausting and sometimes very sull. We set a timer for 25 mins. When it went off I explained that we had five more minutes. Then we set it for 5 minutes more. Almost without fail he would be happy to leave me alone and to play on his own for quite a while ( often a few hours) after these sessions. We tried to have one session a day when we were at home for the day in holiday. I followed the general guidance of this book called playful parenting. It basically saved my relationship with my DS

This is.the book

www.wob.com/en-gb/books/lawrence-j-cohen/playful-parenting/9780345442864?gclid=CjwKCAjw9e6SBhB2EiwA5myr9mRL0YrZCXJ5HNcKlf2CY-4dT-nOKWyu4BZrbhhLb-Oo7ixh5OJMJxoCOfQQAvD_BwE

Just to say that DS did turn out to have ASD and ADHD but these ideas work for all children.

I have a DD who can be very much like you described their anxiety is all controlling. I found the PDA society website useful to understand how to support especially when GP said they couldn’t help if it was a result of unmet ASD needs. www.pdasociety.org.uk/
I hope you can get some support it’s hard going.

The Minecraft monologue.....

I remember it well.

I used to have a competition with my children when they were little - how long they could go without talking...

I think it's alright to tell a child straight. After all, they need to know not everyone is going to want to listen to their incessant monologuing. Knowing when you are irritating is an important step in self-awareness and not imposing yourself on others too much. Take steps to stop it properly. Previous generations didn't always put up with that sort of thing (quiet at the table etc which seems oppressive but then so too are very bolshy, dominant children). My 12 year often wants to bleat at me after school but largely doesn't want me to respond - I'm just a sounding board - we have talked about how it isn't acceptable for her to just rabbit at me and then get annoyed if I offer anything coversationally back. When she was little I would often insist on quiet and that I need a break - you just need to be strong as they absolutely will push back as they are dominant little blighters. I think children need to know that rabbiting incessantly is not a great quality tbh.

And I would really question that you carried a 7 year old home. Not acceptable tbh, no way that should be a demand at that age, conditions or no conditions.

In my experience the more you give the worse they get in some ways - it's like a co-dependency so ultimately it's not good for them. They need proper boundaries. I eventually stopped being the performing seal and things much improved. I have a very good relationship with my child but I will say it straight when I have had enough.

With the talking make sure it's conversational and then you say 'right, that's enough. Time for quiet.' You need to establish the hierarchy. Consistency and boundaries etc over a long time. You're the boss.

Just realised the child is at the other parents for weeks at a time - I wouldn't do that to a child if at all possible tbh and would expect separation anxiety to come from it. That's a long time for a child.

It sounds like separation anxiety to me. It was triggered in my son when his dad left unexpectedly (mentally ill). Your DCs father disappeared suddenly. On a subconscious level, Dc may think you might also suddenly disappear. They require constant reassurance.
Have a read around separation anxiety for signs to look out for and strategies to try.
Try not to get annoyed with them. I know it's hard but it just feeds their feelings of insecurity.
Sometimes giving a DC a something like a bracelet/ wristband type thing can be a constant reminder that you love them even if you're not present.

@apricotlane

Just realised the child is at the other parents for weeks at a time - I wouldn't do that to a child if at all possible tbh and would expect separation anxiety to come from it. That's a long time for a child.

@apricotlane Not weeks at a time just 1 overnight, it's supposed to EOWend but ExH never sticks to it, so sometimes he'll have DC for 2 or 3 weekends in a row then not at all for 3 or 4 weeks, longest he went was 6 weeks then wanted 6 weekends in a row to make up for it.

O i c, well scratch that then.

I would just add please don't feel bad about potentially putting strong but reasonable boundaries on your child's incessant talking. Modern parenting insists that we centre the child at all costs and it's drives people batty. Beside, restrictions that are teaching and reasonable ARE centering the child. It's not healthy for either of you that the child plagues you with rabbiting.

@bumblingbovine49 that's brilliant advice. Actually good for so many things. My DS has a speech issue and they recommend 2 x 15 min undivided attention playtime where we talk. I am so addicted to my phone as I work from home and MN.

My Ds is also very clingy, anxious, has to sit next to me, have to lie in bed with him, worse in the holidays which is weird, as with me the whole time. I have at times considered it maybe PDA, but school not interested as doesn't affect him so much there. He's reluctant, but looks like he's doing stuff. He isn't and is getting behind.

I actually got him a tonie player for bedtime and he picked which stories he wanted, as wasn't keen on the ones I chose. He picked stuff that was younger than he's watch on Tv/ iPad but he really enjoys the various paw patrol ones and octonauts.