To cut contact til I'm better?

Subaru4336 · 2022-04-15T14:49:34+00:00

Following on from the Borderline Personality Disorder thread, I recognised so many traits in myself, and so wondering if it's something I have. I've always had very low self-esteem, so not really sure if they're linked or not. I have a dear friend, who I constantly push away, I think to test if they'll let me, or to see if they really do like me. I've said repeatedly that we should cut contact, as we live so far apart (didn't used to, due to covid they've moved away) and I feel like our friendship doesn't work virtually, I want to see them face to face too, as I don't have many (possibly any) local friends. They always say if that's what you want they'll support that, but actually they think I need their support now more than ever, don't want me to go through things alone (albeit virtual support), due to my marriage also not being in a good place. So, given what I now suspect about my mental health, would it be unreasonable to follow through with that, and cut contact, until I fix myself, or is it unfair to remove the friendship for them just because of my issues?

Chikapu · 15/04/2022 15:53

Do you want to be friends with this person or not? Telling them repeatedly that you sould cut contact is a bit weird imo, it's perfectly possible to have long distance friends, I do and it's fine.

palmplantcirca1980s · 15/04/2022 15:54

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Original poster

Subaru4336 · 15/04/2022 16:13

Yes and no. Because of what I've recognised in myself about BPD, I'm wondering if I'm perhaps obsessed with them, rather than it being a healthy friendship. We've always got along brilliantly, known each other a long time, but I miss the face to face contact, more so than them.

It's very weird to keep saying about cutting contact, I agree, which is why I'm wondering if I should just leave them to a more peaceful life without me in it.

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Original poster

Subaru4336 · 15/04/2022 16:16

@palmplantcirca1980s

You can make either choice, and it wouldn’t be the end of the world. However I think it’s your adaption talking. A different way of approaching this would be to tell her. “I am struggling to stay in relationship with you but I’m going to try”.

I've tried that, but because I'm so messed up, they inevitably don't live up to what my view of the friendship is (we understand each other perfectly, but are also complete opposites in terms of intraversion/extraversion), and so I try to push them away again. Just thinking maybe I need to do us both a favour and walk away for good.

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HMG107 · 15/04/2022 16:31

I was mis-diagnosed as having BPD. Read lots about it, found lots of reasons to make it fit my life and then I shrunk as a person as I’d been told my personality was disordered. I actually have ADHD - this causes emotional dysregulation and extreme sensitivity to rejection (this can leave you wanting to hide yourself away). ADHD meds have transformed my life.

If you are going through a tough time it’s completely normally to want to have some time to yourself. If that’s what you want it’s fine to tell your friend that you have a lot on and want some space so won’t be in contact as much.

I struggle with texting. I used to be in touch weekly with a friend. We now both have young children so can go months without messaging but we both accept that and our friendship has moved to meeting every 3-6 months instead. Friendships often change as you go through different phases in your life

lemongreentea · 15/04/2022 17:15

It doesnt have to be all or nothing. You can be friends but relax the contact.

You say you think you are obsessed with them? How so?

Original poster

Subaru4336 · 15/04/2022 17:22

@HMG107

I was mis-diagnosed as having BPD. Read lots about it, found lots of reasons to make it fit my life and then I shrunk as a person as I’d been told my personality was disordered. I actually have ADHD - this causes emotional dysregulation and extreme sensitivity to rejection (this can leave you wanting to hide yourself away). ADHD meds have transformed my life.

If you are going through a tough time it’s completely normally to want to have some time to yourself. If that’s what you want it’s fine to tell your friend that you have a lot on and want some space so won’t be in contact as much.

I struggle with texting. I used to be in touch weekly with a friend. We now both have young children so can go months without messaging but we both accept that and our friendship has moved to meeting every 3-6 months instead. Friendships often change as you go through different phases in your life

Thank you, I'm glad you're feeling better with meds.

I think I need to see my GP, trying to self-diagnose myself with the Internet is confusing and over-whelming.

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Original poster

Subaru4336 · 15/04/2022 17:28

@lemongreentea

It doesnt have to be all or nothing. You can be friends but relax the contact.

You say you think you are obsessed with them? How so?

I think the flip side is I feel like if I relax the contact, we'll drift apart anyway, so trying to pre-empt the feeling of rejection by proactively ending the friendship. My unhealthy way of thinking means I see everything as having to be all or nothing, black or white, with no grey areas. I don't cope well with uncertainty.

In terms of the obsession, I suppose because I think of them as being the only one who actually makes me feel happier, I feel I can be myself with them, and nobody else I don't have that with anyone else.

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MichelleScarn · 15/04/2022 17:28

I have a dear friend, who I constantly push away, I think to test if they'll let me, or to see if they really do like me
This sounds exhausting for you both, do you actually want to be friends? With regards to their concerns and saying they think you need their support is this because of what you are telling them?

cansu · 15/04/2022 17:34

I think that having this kind of approach to friendships is unhealthy in itself. I don't think about cutting contact or ending friendships. I have friends that I see from time to time, some more than others and more or less depending on their and my circumstances. It seems to me that by dramatically ending this friendship you will be damaging yourself. It feels more like you are making a gesture with the hope that your friend will swoop in and give you the attention you want from them.

AllFreeOwls · 15/04/2022 18:10

You are free to cut contact, but just don't automatically expect that she will be waiting there for you when you want to reignite the friendship.

lemongreentea · 15/04/2022 18:52

**I think the flip side is I feel like if I relax the contact, we'll drift apart anyway, so trying to pre-empt the feeling of rejection by proactively ending the friendship. My unhealthy way of thinking means I see everything as having to be all or nothing, black or white, with no grey areas. I don't cope well with uncertainty.

In terms of the obsession, I suppose because I think of them as being the only one who actually makes me feel happier, I feel I can be myself with them, and nobody else I don't have that with anyone else.**

You sound very self-aware and thoughtful OP which is a wonderful quality to have. I understand the black and white thinking and being afraid of uncertainty, I don't have any real advice except to maybe sit with those feelings for a while and then turn down the narrative thats in your head of all or nothing when it comes to friendship (and life in general).

I do agree with pp regarding ADHD, might be worth pursuing that?

Is private therapy an option, EMDR is meant to work wonders.

UsernameInTheTown · 15/04/2022 18:56

This is nothing to do with BPD and it doesn't sound remotely like you have the first clue what BPD is like or involves.

Original poster

Subaru4336 · 15/04/2022 19:32

@UsernameInTheTown

This is nothing to do with BPD and it doesn't sound remotely like you have the first clue what BPD is like or involves.

You're right, I don't, which is why I said this:

"so wondering if it's something I have. I've always had very low self-esteem, so not really sure if they're linked or not."..wondering means to be unsure of something.

But thanks for taking time to comment :-)

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Original poster

Subaru4336 · 15/04/2022 19:35

@lemongreentea

**I think the flip side is I feel like if I relax the contact, we'll drift apart anyway, so trying to pre-empt the feeling of rejection by proactively ending the friendship. My unhealthy way of thinking means I see everything as having to be all or nothing, black or white, with no grey areas. I don't cope well with uncertainty.

In terms of the obsession, I suppose because I think of them as being the only one who actually makes me feel happier, I feel I can be myself with them, and nobody else I don't have that with anyone else.**

You sound very self-aware and thoughtful OP which is a wonderful quality to have. I understand the black and white thinking and being afraid of uncertainty, I don't have any real advice except to maybe sit with those feelings for a while and then turn down the narrative thats in your head of all or nothing when it comes to friendship (and life in general).

I do agree with pp regarding ADHD, might be worth pursuing that?

Is private therapy an option, EMDR is meant to work wonders.

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it.

Yes, private therapy would be an option, so will call the GP on Tuesday to take the first steps in understanding what my issue is.

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lemongreentea · 15/04/2022 20:29

Good luck OP, low self esteem can be worked on and improved, which will have a postive effect on the rest of your life and relationships.

Please try to remember you are worthy of love, and that starts with loving and valuing yourself.

You are focusing on your friend to see if they care and want you in their life or will reject you when push comes to shove, when the real focus should be you, care for yourself and start accepting yourself. Wish you luck OP