To worry we’re no longer compatible

[NoLonge]

Hi. I’ve been with my DP for three years (both 26).

He recently got a new job in a career he has been trying really hard to get into for the last few years but has had a few set backs due to COVID. He is over the moon. The job is a widely male dominated role with a few female scattered in. Because of this there seems to be a widely ‘lads, lads, lads’ and ‘the boys’ kind of attitude going on. A lot of them talking about going on tinder and which girl they slept with that night, trying to show other girls pictures to each other.

They all go on nights out, to the pub, organise huge piss ups and bar crawls with the staff to different cities etc. He has only been there for a few months so I haven’t met any of them properly but I saw one who drove past me and my DP once and he was hanging out of the window yelling crude stuff at my partner. Very teenage boy but this man is 28!

Anyway my problem is my DP is the complete opposite to this. He is quiet, likes gaming, doesn’t casually drink apart from the odd occasion, goes out with his friends for food, to the cinema, to arcades. I am very similar. I am not teetotal but I very rarely ever drink due to health reasons, I like going to the gym, I like cooking, I am vegan. It has always been very important to me to date someone who’s views align with my own. I wouldn’t have entertained dating anyone who was going to the pub or getting drunk all the time. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I don’t do that and I’d find it hard to deal with someone coming in drunk all of the time when I don’t drink. I don’t expect people not to drink when they’re around me or anything. I regularly go to events with friends where they’re all drinking but I’d find it hard to try to make a life with someone of social drinking and going out was a big part of their lives, when mine is the complete opposite. We do have a very active social life, but our life has never included these things.

My DP obviously wants to fit in and has planned to go on the big bar crawl they’re planning next month. He has even said “I don’t know how I’m going to hide drinking Coke from them”, and personally I don’t think this is going to happen. From what I’ve heard they’re the types to laugh about him not drinking and pressure him into it (they laugh that he’s vegetarian), and I think he will as it’s his first night. But obviously I haven’t voiced this.

I’m starting to feel like he’s turning down invitations for my sake. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone where they feel like they have to not do something because of me, but equally the man I met and am currently planning my future with wasn’t someone who did this stuff. I’m finding it hard to express how I feel without sounding controlling, I have no issue with him going out. We both regularly go out and spend time alone with our friends. However we had both always been on the same page about things like this and now it seems like he’s not.

AIBU I’m thinking maybe he’s evolved and we’re slowly growing to no longer be compatible?

Sorry I forgot to add there was a time they were out on a training day and they went to a restaurant and they were out of stock of the veggie option so my DP ordered chips and something else. One of them ordered a meat burger for him and they were all laughing telling him just one bite. He ate it. This is why I’m sure he will be pressured into drinking when he goes out.

@NoLonge Hi op ,I think you may be jumping to some conclusions here and fretting over something that might not happen . My dh is a quiet man he works with mainly men who used to behave like your partners work colleagues years ago and it never changed him . If these things are really bothering you then sit down with him and tell him your worries as you've described in your post .

Well, sorry, but he is a bit of a weakling to bend to their will. That's the bit that would worry me about compatibility. These "friends" must be a grim lot to try and force him to do things he does not want to do. Can he not just say no and be himself?

@Tittyfilarious thanks for your response. I’m hoping so but I’m struggling to get out what I mean without it coming across controlling or like I’m saying he isn’t allowed to do something. Or me saying I’ll break up with him if he starts going out which isn’t what I’m trying to say at all.

To me it’s the same as if he started eating meat again, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who did because that’s too different to me and holds no place in my life. But I’m scared it will come across as me saying I don’t want him to do something, then he won’t and might resent me for it. If he wants to go out with them then he should but obviously that would mean I need to reassess where I am right now.

To be honest, it's possible. You got together at 23 and you're now 26. Mid-20s was a massively important period of my life, I changed so much. Does he want to be vegetarian and not drink, or did he fall into that lifestyle as he was with you? The lad culture thing obviously isn't great, but if he really didn't want to eat the burger he would have stood his ground. Your lifestyle sounds more like someone in their mid-30s than mid-20s tbh. I ended a 7 year relationship aged 25 as I wanted to let loose, and my bf at the time was ready for pipe and slippers. I guess you'll just have to wait and see, in some jobs it is important to participate in the nights out etc so he might just be playing along for the sake of his career.

They sound very childish and not very bright.Sounds awful but your DP may be trying to fit in with the crowd.Hopefully he will realise that he doesn’t have to copy them and be himself.If not move on ,life changes .What job does he do that has this drinking culture and laddish attitude,also the photos of girls is a red flag?

@Mischance

Well, sorry, but he is a bit of a weakling to bend to their will. That's the bit that would worry me about compatibility. These "friends" must be a grim lot to try and force him to do things he does not want to do. Can he not just say no and be himself?

Yes I agree. He’s always been a bit of a push over so that’s nothing new and something he definitely needs to work on. But he’s never had a group of people take the piss out of him for being a vegetarian/peer pressure him or anything so this is the new part.

But I agree at 26 years old he should be able to say no!

@WeddingFavour

To be honest, it's possible. You got together at 23 and you're now 26. Mid-20s was a massively important period of my life, I changed so much. Does he want to be vegetarian and not drink, or did he fall into that lifestyle as he was with you? The lad culture thing obviously isn't great, but if he really didn't want to eat the burger he would have stood his ground. Your lifestyle sounds more like someone in their mid-30s than mid-20s tbh. I ended a 7 year relationship aged 25 as I wanted to let loose, and my bf at the time was ready for pipe and slippers. I guess you'll just have to wait and see, in some jobs it is important to participate in the nights out etc so he might just be playing along for the sake of his career.

He was vegan turned vegetarian when I met him. We used to work together and I would go on work nights out and not drink and he wouldn’t go at all because he ‘didn’t like nights out’ and he regularly rolled his eyes at the prospect of going to the pub so if anything he was always less social around drinking than me!

I am wondering if that is the case. Until recently we were discussing children (we had a referral to the fertility clinic last year but the waiting list is two years in our area), getting married and actively saving for a mortgage. So it would come as a surprise if he’s done a 180.

People do change though. My DS was vegan due to dairy allergies, and didn’t like the thought of eating animals. Fast forward to his first real relationship and he’s now eating meat because she does.

also the photos of girls is a red flag

I agree with this, he’s never been friends with anyone that does things like this either. He works in a male dominated sector of public services (not military).

DS has just ended a 7 year relationship at 26. His girlfriend was happy to stay in most of the time, he had become more extrovert.

@NoLonge Gosh, talking marriage and babies at 25 two years into a relationship seems very fast to me, but I know everyone's different. Honestly I think you just have to see how this plays out. If he starts eating meat and drinking lots he's not the man for you, and that's okay. He's not done anything wrong, neither have you. As I said I ended a relationship at 25 cos it wasn't right for me. I'm now 31 and engaged to someone much better for me, and my ex is married to someone presumably much better for him. These things happen and can be for the best.

@NoLonge I think the conversation does have to happen op , just explain to him that you are concerned that he's sort of stuck in the middle of wanting to fit in with the lads and being himself and have him tell you how he feels about it .As a previous poster said though he really will have to stand up for himself more with them and not be pushed to do things against his grain .

Mid to late 20s is a major period of change and your work environment can impact you if you don't have strong values.

His workplace sounds like a nightmare and opposite of a healthy positive culture. Can you say what sector? Surely there must be men similar to him there?

I would delay making commitments to him (children, marriage) as you need to see how he handles the pressure from colleagues. He may change into someone you are less keen on.

We don’t stay in all the time. We probably go out more than anyone we know. We do things (either together or separately) almost every day of the weekend and multiple week nights. It just doesn’t involve alcohol.

DP is 27 in two months so he was still 26 when we had the fertility referral. We weren’t planning children then but we knew the referral would take 2 years just to get seen so we would be nearer 30 when it came along so we decided to get the ball rolling and see where we were up to when the referral came through. We both have a medical condition that makes it harder to naturally get pregnant so we were advised to make the referral and we didn’t have to be actively trying because of the conditions.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions about his views on any of this. It might be that he's noted the workplace culture and that if he wants to get on, he will need to make his face fit to some extent. You mention this is a long awaited career move, not just a job to pay the bills. Therefore, he might just be going on some socials to show face early on to mark himself out as a team player, then start to rein it in again once he is established.

If you find out this is the case then you could advise him to turn up, have a couple of lemonades or cokes, let people think it's a spirit and mixer, and slip off quietly after making himself known and having a quick chat and a laugh with the team. It's about finding a balance with a workplace like that. He could suggest starting a 5 a side club or something so that he's joining in the social side but getting away from drinking culture.

You are all correct though I am going to have to have a conversation with him about this and will approach it this weekend. I just need to find a way to phrase it so he doesn’t interpret it as me saying “you’re not allowed to go out”. I think this is what his colleagues are saying to him when he turns down invites.

@Sloth66

DS has just ended a 7 year relationship at 26. His girlfriend was happy to stay in most of the time, he had become more extrovert.

Yes but it says in the OP that they have a very active social life.

People change and so do their attitudes towards things. It’s normal to grow.

You can’t get with someone at any age and then many years later expect them to be the same person, it’s not realistic.

Just a side note, I wouldn’t tolerate a partner putting pressure on me with regards to if I can go out or not or who I must hang around with, but if your willing to dump someone because they don’t hold the same views as you then that’s fine too.

@HeDidWhattt

People change and so do their attitudes towards things. It’s normal to grow.

You can’t get with someone at any age and then many years later expect them to be the same person, it’s not realistic.

Just a side note, I wouldn’t tolerate a partner putting pressure on me with regards to if I can go out or not or who I must hang around with, but if your willing to dump someone because they don’t hold the same views as you then that’s fine too.

As a vegetarian I have to disagree with this. I wouldn’t date someone who ate meat. I wouldn’t want it in my house, ever. My current DP is vegetarian and if he started eating meat then I would tell him I don’t tolerate that and if he continued we would break up. I don’t think it’s putting pressure on someone in regards of what they can and cannot do. When you hold strong views such as that you are usually straight up with someone with what you are looking for. If they fit into that category and then suddenly start doing the opposite I think it at least warrants a conversation as to what is going on before you end the relationship.

I wouldn’t date a smoker either and I specified that in my OLD bio. Personally I like a social drink but I can see how drinking can be similar to smoking if you don’t do it. However I would have a conversation first. I think all relationships deserve that before automatic termination.

@HeDidWhattt

People change and so do their attitudes towards things. It’s normal to grow.

You can’t get with someone at any age and then many years later expect them to be the same person, it’s not realistic.

Just a side note, I wouldn’t tolerate a partner putting pressure on me with regards to if I can go out or not or who I must hang around with, but if your willing to dump someone because they don’t hold the same views as you then that’s fine too.

Yes if it turns out that we are no longer compatible then I will be leaving him. This is very important to me and always has been. But he needs to be honest with me about this also. If he is turning down invitations because he thinks I don’t like it then he’s going to grow to resent me. So far I haven’t commented on anything, I’m just trying to see where things go.

As I mentioned in multiple other posts I don’t want to put pressure on him regarding this hence why I asked this question in the first place.

I also work in a very macho part of the public sector (may well be the same!) and the lad culture can be a bit much at times, especially with new young staff who can get a bit carried away. If its a stressful role, the drinking and partying can be how they deal with stress.... but what your DP needs to think about is, it won't be all of them. It might look like everyone is doing it, but as he settles in, he will start to find the quieter people who feel more like him.

If its the job I think it is, he will need to learn to compartmentalise, otherwise he will just be bringing all the stress and problems home with him, which is no good for him or you. In any stressful male-dominated public sector job, he will definitely have to learn to stand up to people pressuring him - nights out with colleagues aren't actually a bad place to practise.

NoLonge get what you mean in that you sound like you want ( naturally, not forced) someone who shares yr values without the need for you to try to bend them to your shape as it where? Re the vegan thing.. i too am vegan and i didnt want non vegan stuff in my house at all. In fact when dh bought and cooked eggs i felt quite sort of affronted as I hate the egg industry when they shred chiks and was upset that he chose to support that industry as well as them.be in my / our home.
Over time i have asked him about hos values and he says he ,in this instance chooses hos health( in his view) before the creature/ values as he thinks eggs are a good protien source and very good for him.
So , as time has gone on , it seems that our values do generally match, but ovee time ive had to adapt a bit, as has he and focuss on our shared values / where they meet if that makes sense( alomgside discomfort on my part id say)
. Re the habits . Sounds like he will be challeged to drink etc. I think he cd adapt fo his place in the team.. be liked for who he is and take a bit of macho banter if he is liked and appriciated for who he is. Our dd b f does not drink at all. He does not care a jot what anyone says .

I think you need to give it a bit of time. It's natural that he wants to fit in and get to know his new colleagues, especially if this job is so important to him. But if he really isn't the type to enjoy pubs and "lad banter" (hate that phrase) then he won't be able to keep it up for long.

It's hard to put a timeframe on it but I'd think six months will show you if he's changed or if this is just a phase.

It's quite possible. The key is to know what you want in life. What you want at 30, at 50, etc. how many children you want and what lifestyle you would like to have and what priorities you are going to have.

These will change and you will have to reassess. But for example say you know you want two children, a loving husband, family, home, and free time to do nice family things.

You know that you're going to want to find the right man before you end fertile years, and make clear to him what you want and ensure he wants the same thing.

Then you go ahead with building that life together.

Otherwise you're just stabbing in the dark and you must accept your lot when older, often not good.