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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to send info about my dd to her father when he is not actively involved in her life?

17 replies

chickenmama · 09/01/2008 08:31

He left the country when she was 6 months old and rarely spent any time with her before that. Since he's been gone he has very rarely asked about her and if he sends money it's around £20 a month. I recently asked him to call her, as she's started saying daddy to his photo, but he's refusing, making excuses like she'll never know or love him anyway. She's a yr and a half now.

Should I still email him photos and info about her or stand my ground and refuse unless he agrees to call her so she can get to know him?? It just doesn't seem fair that he knows all about her but she doesn't know him

OP posts:

sandcastles · 09/01/2008 08:36

I think I would be inclined to keep sending info, but keep it limited.

Then at least you can't be accused of not trying to involve him & your dd will know you did your best.

karen999 · 09/01/2008 08:37

Ooh tricky one. I woulld be inclined to send the photos/info anyway. It is up to him what he does with it. She says 'daddy' to his photos so she will be aware of who he is - especially more so in the future. You sound like you are doing a great job as a 'mum'....but your lo does have a dad and if you keep him informed etc then he can never turn round and put any of the blame on you.

Paddlechick666 · 09/01/2008 08:55

my dd's father has been an erratic presence during her life too.

i have occasionally refused to pass on information/photos on the basis that if he can't be bothered to call and speak to her then he doesn't deserve the information ans also in the hope it would prompt more effort on his part.

fwiw, it never worked. the lack of info did cause a bit more in the way of demands for info but it was always by text or email and never prompted any increase in effort.

at the end of the day, IMO, cutting them out of the loop only helps them to remain remote and the end result of that is detrimental to the child.

at least if you continue to send him stuff about your dd then you know you have done all you can to facilitate a relationship between them.

PersephoneSnape · 09/01/2008 09:11

half of me says screw him, you get to know/acknowledge your daughter if you contribute financially and with time/attention - the other half says he's being let off the hook if you don't send him reminders of his responsibilities. makes it easier to walk away.

If she has an interest then you're acting on her behalf, not her fathers. it's her benefit to know her dad (in most cases) not his right to know his daughter.

helenhismadwife · 09/01/2008 11:17

my initial reaction to this post was sod him the twat if he doesnt want to make the effort why should you.

BUT I think you should send him pictures information and updates on your dd's progress maybe once a month it may prompt him to realise what that he is missing out on seeing his lovely daughter grow up and being part of her life, on the other hand it may not but at least you will know that you have done everything you can to help your daughter have a relationship with her father and he cant say you didnt, he will have to answer her question of why he didnt bother when she is older and Im sure she will ask.

I would keep post receipts as well so that I could show dd that I had sent stuff but I am being petty now.

mumzyof2 · 09/01/2008 11:26

My sons dad buggered off when I was pregnant, and for the first year of his life, saw him around every 6 weeks, and then stopped completely. BTW, that wasnt what I wanted at all. Hes never asked how ds is, or for pics, but i have sent him a couple via email, but never any information.
I think if i were you, send him pictures. They should make him think of dd, and he'll ask how shes doing, wont he?
But any information, Id keep it under wraps, if he wants to know, he'll ask. If he doesnt ask, you know where you stand.
Dont do all the chasing. I tried for two years to make my ds's dad care, and it caused me nothing but heartache when he constantly turned ds away.
You're trying arnt you? How long are you going to carry on sending pictures if he doesnt ask about her? It hurts, and its bloody hard, but eventually I had to admit that, if ds's dad gave a f**k about him, he'd see him, he'd be around.

WigWamBam · 09/01/2008 11:28

Keep sending the stuff.

That way, even though he may be right that she will never know or love him, he will never be able to say that it's because you didn't try your hardest to help him to.

And your daughter won't ever be able to say that you didn't do your best to try and keep them in contact, either.

Mum2b2BabyRoo · 09/01/2008 11:39

Agree with Sandcastles and WigWamBam - keep doing what you do - then neither he or your daughter can ever turn around and say anything to you about you not trying.

Saturn74 · 09/01/2008 11:40

Agree with WWB.

mumzyof2 · 09/01/2008 11:41

WWB, even in ten years? By sending pictures, information, he will always be on the op's mind. I dont mean that in a romantic way, of course, but sometimes, you just want to forget and move on. If he never shows any interest in the dd, and shes tried why should she chase him around?
However, i dont think its a decision that anyone can tell you what to do. Its a personal decision. Some women are quite happy just to let the dad bugger off, some women try for years. I tried for two years, and it never got me anywhere, I dont regret it however. I know i tried as hard as I could, but he just would acknowledge ds at all. Even denied his existance to his new girlfriends, even though he see's a dd from a previous relationship. Now thats favouritism for you

mumzyof2 · 09/01/2008 11:42

sorry ^ thats meant to be, wouldNT acknowledge...

Hulababy · 09/01/2008 11:42

Agree with sandcastles and WWW. At least that way you know that you did your best for your DD over her relationship with her father. Neither can ever hold that against you, whatever happens later on.

SSSandy2 · 09/01/2008 11:44

Does she have paternal grandparents?

Sent them photos and updates too maybe. And if he drops out of her life for ever at some stage, perhaps she will still have her grandparents

Wisteria · 09/01/2008 11:45

oh chicken - that sounds very sad but I have to say keep on going with the info and photos.

That way in a few years time when/ if they finally do meet up, she will be unable to blame you for anything and you can hold your head up high and retain the moral high ground.

He may completely turn around over the next few years and be able to say, well your mother didn't want me involved otherwise , whih would be really annoying....

Original poster

chickenmama · 09/01/2008 13:37

Wow, thanks for all the replies!!

I had already sent him an email saying that I wasn't willing to share information if he wasn't going to be involved. But it was after sending this that I thought maybe I was being unreasonable, and that not sending pictures wasn't in my dd's best interests. Maybe it's more to do with me trying to get him to do what I think he should do as her father, and obviously that's never going to happen.

So I think I will send him another email with one photo and a very brief answer to his usual 'is she doing anything new' question, and continue to do so each time he emails me with the same request. I definitely won't be sending anything unless he asks first.

To answer Sandy's question - yes she has paternal grandparents who I keep in touch with, as well as a couple of other family members, so I know she'll always have a link to his side of the family, even if it's not though him.

And mumzyof2 - I know exactly where you're coming from, my X also has an older child who he would do anything for. It makes me angry, for my dd's sake, that he treats them so differently.

What I want more than anything is for my dd to know I tried my best for her and as it seems sending updates is the way to go, then that's what I'll do.

OP posts:

alicet · 09/01/2008 15:07

I agree with the posters who said that if you continue to send this info then at least he can never turn round and say you prevented him from knowing her. And she when she is old enough will know you tried your best too.

However for your sanity maybe don't always reply to him when he writes - do it when it suits you not him. This may be petty but it might help you feel more as though you aren't always jumping to his tune and you might find it easier to be detached about it rather than getting annoyed with him - not slagging you off for getting annoyed at him but better for you that he doesn't have this effect on you when he is so useless and better for your dd that you can talk about her daddy without spitting!!!

For what it's worth it sounds like your doing a fantastic job as a mum to her and also doing your very best for her to know her daddy. can't ask for more than that - good on you!

Original poster

chickenmama · 09/01/2008 15:15

You know what alicet you have a very good point there... I always reply to his emails straight away but often find he doesn't reply to mine, or it takes him a while to respond. That does annoy me so maybe if wait a few days before replying I'll feel a bit more in control.

And thanks for the encouraging words, they mean a lot

OP posts:

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