AIBU to worry about my DH’s relationship with DD

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My daughter, aged 11, possibly has ADHD. Doctor and school think so. She’s super bright but received loads of ticks on the SPOA referral. She’s very untidy, has no sense of time, and has huge emotional outbursts. Now add hormones to all that and her extremes of sensitivities and emotions are increasing.
Anyway, my husband, her dad, is most likely autistic. He has a fixed mindset on lots of things and fails to understand others feelings when it gets in the way of a perceived incident in his head. He clashes hugely with our DD and I am really worried about their relationship in the future. I love my husband, but he can honestly be such a twat and can be really horrible to our daughter. He’s read loads of parenting stuff, has had CBT and has read lots about ADHD, yet he still screams at her for interrupting, or for not putting something in the bin.
It’s really warning for me and our son. We both want an easy life. I am currently signed off work due to anxiety in my extremely stressful job, but actually, it’s just as hard at home when both my husband and daughter are home. He literally looks for whatever reason he can to have a go at her, but she automatically shouts back, and goes into ‘I hate Daddy!’ mode. Then neither of them backs down, with him giving screen bans until some random date, and her complaining that he’s always having a go etc. To which he then says he’s had enough of her voice and he’d have been smacked etc as a child and knew how to behave, and his parents wouldn’t stand for it, etc etc. I then fall out with my husband because he is being so scary with our DD and he then has a go at me for always taking her side and letting her manipulate me.I just feel things will get worse and worse and he will regret his insistence that it’s more important not to get a sticky mark on something than it is to look after our DD’s feelings. Does anyone know of any groups I can turn to for free family counselling, especially for families with kids with ADHD or husbands with OCD or autism? Thanks

I think if it were me I would initially approach my GP with this issue and the kind of support you’re looking for (in a private appointment for you). Either they can refer you or signpost you to someone who can. I had awful problems with my family for years (but different issues) and happened to mention it to GP last year and I was immediately given all this help I didn’t know existed, including a support line, a clinical psychologist appointment, book recommendations and now (finally) group therapy, all free.

YANBU to be worried. This sounds very stressful for you too. It sounds like whatever you do you can’t win, and I know that feeling. I’m not sure I really understand why your husband can’t control his temper though. I’m not an expert (which is what you need) but I’m not sure OCD and/or autism necessarily account for that behaviour.

sorry, can't help.
but to an outsider, who admittedly knows nothing about it, it does sound as if DD is the most important person in the household.
is she encouraged to consider other family member's feelings ?
it has to work both ways.
so i do sympathise with your husband, but i feel more for you, as you seem to be bearing the brunt of it all.
can you go to doc and ask for some support for you.
you need to look after your own health too.
sorry, i can't do links on new machine. have you tried ukadhd.com/support-groups.htm
i wish you all the best.

Your husband is a horrible, abusive prick and there is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour.

Your poor kids. Get them away from him.

What you’ve just described is abusive behaviour. Your husband is abusing your daughter. YANBU to be worried. YABU if you stay with someone who screams at your child, you describe as being scary, ‘really horrible towards her’ and ‘looking for any reason to have a go at her’.

That poor child. Can you imagine how it feels to grow up like that?

Your husband is the adult and parent. He needs to find a way to parent his child effectively and if he can’t then he can’t be a parent.

Your daughter has some additional needs and behaves like a child because that’s what she is.

Him screaming at her and throwing his weight around and telling her he basically wants to smack her isn’t going to help, is it?

I wouldn’t be with someone who scared my children, parent or otherwise: no one can grow up happy and secure when they live in a state of fear and anxiety.

Your husband sounds absolutely vile and I would make plans to leave. Your poor daughter!

It sounds like your dd is being abused.

I have a 19 year old with ADHD and a DH with likely Asperger's. It is a very difficult combination. DD is currently living abroad before starting Uni and it is lovely now as she really realises how loved she has been and how great her dad is but when she was at home it was a nightmare. Slightly different scenarios to you as DH avoids conflict wherever possible and DD thrived in it and would argue hind legs off a donkey.
I was always the one left to chat to her about anything. My DH was actually petrified of DD in a rage and would stand quivering outside her room unable to go in and confront her about anything!! You need to get him to study ADHD and how to parent a child with it.

If you are right and your DH is on the Autistic spectrum, then empathy is going to be a tough one, even for his own child. (I have a 16 year old son with ASD) In that case I wouldn't class it as abuse, he isn't intending to be cruel, just struggling himself......which doesn't help you at all. I would start with the National Autistic Society, they have heaps of info and localised groups and peer support for parents and even if there's nothing local to you, they will know about other groups that are. Also speak to your local council, they will have some kind of care directory you can access for free, and you can register as her carer so they can send you info about events and such like. The NHS support I find is generally useless....they diagnose then leave you to get on with it. It's worth seeing if your husband would be prepared to undergo testing himself.....it may end up being a huge relief for him

I feel for you.....my sons dad is a monumental a**hole....not Autistic and has never ever really tried to understand my son, so I've been on my own with him and his siblings for a long time as a result. But they do get past it, and actually Neurodiversity is totally fascinating and brilliant....its helping them learn to navigate our world that is difficult x

My step dad uses to treat me like this, though he is not autistic, but an alcoholic. It really messed me up. I am on medication for depression and anxiety now. I had a huge break down last year and didn't leave the house atall for months, if i did i had panic attacks. It was awful. I still get the same now but its not as bad. I feel huge resentment towards him. My mum won't leave him.

If I was you I'd be thinking of getting out of there and then into some kind of therapy for your daughter and you before shit hits the fan and both your mental health is in an awful place.

That sounds so unbelievably stressful.

You need to talk to your GP about this.

The potential to cause your daughter long-term harm seems very real.

Get advice.

It sounds very stressful for her, not to mind you.

I am on anti depressants but to be honest that’s as a result of my job, not my husband. It’s just harder to manage everything with a highly pressured job at the same time. My husband is pretty good in every other sort of way but has no empathy when it comes to our dd.