terrified of working

[12yearsinazkaban]

sahm of nearly 10 years. will be 11 years when my youngest starts nursery. I am so scared of working. I have spent the last decade socialising with only my immediate family and I don't even see my parents or have any friends anymore. I stay at home every single day with my children. have done nothing else. How the hell can i work in a job with people when I haven't really interacted with a soul for so long? I am so scared. a few years ago I was excited to have colleagues and a life outside the home but now I am literally shaking in my boots.

I have tried to speak to my DH (who has worked and supported us this whole time) and he doesn't get where I'm coming from.

I know I'm incredibly lucky to be a sahm but we aren't a middle class family rolling in dough, very much working class just about getting by so childcare costs (even if we got a discount) would be out if reach.

If anyone had a huge break like me I'd be really interested in knowing how getting back to work worked out. I really am freaking out about.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, OP. I haven't had a long gap away from work, but I am an anxious soul and have felt terrified about many things in my life! Eg starting a new job, going on a long trip etc. I have found again and again that it's possible to really surprise yourself - I have gone into many things believing I won't cope and then found, to my surprise, that actually I'm coping OK.

Do you mind me asking why you don't do anything outside the house any more? What happened to make you stop socialising?

Can you afford to start with a bit of volunteering? Then you can try something and stop if it feels too much. And you don’t have to work with colleagues, the world of work has changed completely over the last two years. What skills or experience do you have? What would you find interesting? How much do you need to be making?

Obviously YANBU to feel fearful about a huge change. It sounds like your circle has become quite small, do you like anything about the idea of widening it, meeting new people, learning something new?

@birthdaywanker that's good to hear, I suppose I felt the same before having children but then you do just cope and get on with it don't you?
sleepless nights and nappies seem less daunting than office politics.

I don't know, I suppose it just snook up on me. I used to try to keep up with friends with My first, they all sort of disappeared. My parents want me to see them when I have children and no car and I just guess getting anywhere is too much of a hassle to be worth it really. my confidence has taken a hit really, I don't even talk to the school mums at drop off and pick up. actively avoid it and beg dh to take the children to parties so I don't have to try to remember how to small talk. I hate it, I did used to have friends but I'm just not fun anymore.

AnneLovesGilbert is saying what I was thinking. Start with a bit of volunteering maybe a charity shop and/or join something for a interest - either something you used to enjoy but had to give up when the DC were younger or something you always wanted to try - a sport? art group? a choir? Then you will feel more used to interacting with people and feel capable.
Also, presumably you take the DC to school or nursery; do you chat to the other Mums there?

@AnneLovesGilbert I did do some volunteering for a few weeks (just a couple of hours) about 3 or so years ago and after the fun of chatting the first couple days, some of the women really used to get their digs in by asking me how I manage helping out for 2 hours a week when I told them I was a sahm. I felt very embarrassed and ashamed as they were basically calling me lazy to my face to doing 2 hours while they were full time or doing 2 or 3 days. It really put me off. I found myself stumbling my words before then though and freezing up. didn't last long I quit sharpish. it was a disaster and I hated it. it was in an area I loved, I was very disheartened.

I can't believe the girl I was has turned into a meek worries little woman. I mostly socialise on here ffs.

Ah - a bit of a cross-post with your last reply. But basically I’m saying start small and work up.

I returned to work after a longer break than that - I went back part-time at first, now I'm full-time in a different job and I really like it. It is a big change and you should give yourself plenty of time (weeks/months) to get used to it when you do go back to work. But it will be worth it.

What did you do before, OP? I've gone back to a completely different area than I worked in before with both jobs post-children.

Have you thought about doing something online WFH?

I was a SAHM for about 7 years & know exactly how you are feeling.

It took me a while to find something and it was getting a bit disheartening but eventually the right role found me!

I was terrified going back to work but determined. Colleagues were lovely & although I found it a bit overwhelming the first few days I soon get back into it. Im still in the same role & enjoy going to work (most of the time!)

Give yourself the credit you deserve youve been at home with small kids thats not easy & requires a lot of skills, multitasking & organisation.

I'm looking for a job after being at home for a few years so probably not the exact perspective you're looking for but, until dd was 3 I struggled a lot. I reduced my outside life to a small bubble where I knew I wouldn't really have to deal with anything too unknown/stressful. What helped in the end was starting to volunteer at a charity shop. The first month or so was working in the back sorting stock and small talk with other volunteers, the workload gradually increased as I wanted.
Do you have any time to do some very little pressure volunteer work?

Honestly OP, don't look at it as something to dread. Look on it as an opportunity to get some of you back. To be social, to have a life outside the kids again, to have pride in your achievements. It could be the making of you and help give you back the confidence you're missing.

You've done a grand job with your kids, but now it's time to focus a bit on you and making a fulfilling life for yourself. Work can be hard but it can also be rewarding, challenging, stimulating and give you a sense of self and worth. You can start small –what kind of work did you do before? What are you interested in? Are you good with people? Do you like working outside? Do you like working with kids? Animals?

I’m not sure if these are available everywhere but there used to be courses for going back to work. Confidence, skills etc. See if your college of FE offers anything.

What work are you looking to do? Why are you just saying "work" as if it's one great monolith? What work is really important to how you feel about yourself and confidence. Play to your strengths

Even if im off from work for longer than 3 weeks, i get anxiety going back. But once im there its like ive never been away.
The longest I didnt work for was over a year. When i did get back into work I was excited & also nervous. You will be okay, it will be the best thing you do. I know it was for me. Good luck @12yearsinazkaban

I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience volunteering. After being a sahm and a carer for 13 years, I realised that I had to go back to work as financially things were tight but I also found that my world had become very small. I also found that I couldn't get a job because I had no recent 'work' experience or job history so my confidence was rock bottom. I completed about 6 volunteer application forms for some charity shops and only heard back from one so went along for an interview when asked and amazingly fell on my feet. The manager made it very clear that I was under no obligation to take up a volunteering place and was lovely. They asked me to come in for a trial session and to see if I was comfortable. I started out the back preparing donations for sale and after a month moved to 'out front' doing till and customer service. I loved it. I was lucky that I fell on my feet with a manager who values all staff and treats volunteers as a privilege not a right. I used to do 10 til 2 a few days a week but after a year a paid part time position came up so I applied and got the job. My confidence has come on in leaps and bounds and I've learned so much. I still love the job although it's very hard work and demanding.
I think that you were unfortunate in your volunteering and please give it another go. Remember, YOU are interviewing them as much as they are you - it's all about finding the right fit. So if one shop doesn't feel right then try another until you feel at home.