Mumsnet Etiquette?

Vsirbdo · 14/04/2022 12:46

You can be honest without being unkind. In real life people manage to do both but sometimes on here people forget that.

ChristinaBlang · 14/04/2022 12:49

It’s kind of the point of mumsnet, anonymous and people can say what they think. If you don’t want to know what others think why would you ask.

Antarcticant · 14/04/2022 12:50

My understanding is that you should avoid personal attacks and posts that are not 'in the spirit of Mumsnet'.

The latter I take to mean the overall intent of the post should be supportive - so brutal honesty in a 'tough love' way would be OK, but not kicking someone when they were down or being nasty for the sake of it.

DropYourSword · 14/04/2022 12:53

I disagree with both of your voting options!

You don't have to have something "nice" to say, but you also don't have to be an unpleasant twat masquerading as someone who will just "tell it like it is". There's quite a lot of middle ground!

ODFOx · 14/04/2022 12:55

It depends on the context.
I think that sometimes it is easy to forget that the person making an opinion or asking a question is actually a person and they still have feelings even though the communication is through a screen.
Baby names, for example. Someone who comes on asking for opinions on 'Lemonata ' and saying that it is the only name they like really only need a couple of people to point out that it is hard to spell, or could be misunderstood as it is the name of something else, rather than 200 people going 'ffs! Don't do that to your child!' Which could be treaty hurtful.
IABU though is expected to be robust.

IncompleteSenten · 14/04/2022 12:55

If someone asks for opinions then they need to expect to get opinions and they won't like all of them.

That said, how the opinion is worded matters

I think that was a really foolish/ naive / reckless / whatever thing to do - fine.

Fucking hell you absolute twat how thick are you?! - not ok.

HeddaGarbled · 14/04/2022 12:58

@DropYourSword

*I disagree with both of your voting options!

You don't have to have something "nice" to say, but you also don't have to be an unpleasant twat masquerading as someone who will just "tell it like it is". There's quite a lot of middle ground*

Spot on.

TeenPlusCat · 14/04/2022 12:59

Also depends on the board. You expect AIBU to be reasonably robust. On other boards you'd hope for clear messages but wrapped up.

So AIBU answer - absolutely no way
Somewhere else - although I can sort of see where you might be coming from, I really don't think it is acceptable in any circumstances

SatinHeart · 14/04/2022 13:29

It's perfectly possible to be 'honest' without being 'brutally honest'

I think that as a general rule (even on AIBU) you shouldn't type anything that you wouldn't be prepared to say to a person's face in real life. I hate keyboard warriors.

ExplodingElephants · 14/04/2022 13:35

I’ll give my opinion but have still been ‘yelled at’ when it’s not what the OP wants to hear. Has anyone else ever noticed that usually the 1st response dictates whether it’s going to overwhelming YABU/YANBU and whether or not the OP is going to get a roasting? I think it’s because a lot of people only read the last few posts so the more people that do that the longer the cycle continues and the thread can stray off topic 😆

PurpleDaisies · 14/04/2022 13:37

There’s nothing wrong with giving your opinion when it’s been asked for. You don’t have to be “brutal”.

SickAndTiredAgain · 14/04/2022 13:42

Depends on the thread topic. Some things clearly can take a more brutally honest approach, some things where it’s clear the OP is really struggling with something it would be unacceptable to not take care over how you word things.

PurpleDaisies · 14/04/2022 13:43

The most unacceptable thing is criticising someone’s grammar or spelling when it’s totally irrelevant to what’s being asked.

toastofthetown · 14/04/2022 13:44

Blunt yes, cruel no. But there are blurring lines between the two and everyone will have a different opinion on where that is. I post frequently on Baby Names and my view generally is that if people ask an opinion on a name they should be willing to have people say they dislike it. I do think it it can get pretty nasty there sometimes though, and people should consider how helpful their replies (and OPs) are. If a thread becomes a pile-on, then I tend to assume the OP has the message and don't both adding to it because it feels nasty. I don't like posts which are there to specifically ridicule. And I really don't like narrow minded replies where people treat the unfamiliar with ridicule as default. Same broadly applies to the rest of MN for me.

SickAndTiredAgain · 14/04/2022 13:47

@SickAndTiredAgain

Depends on the thread topic. Some things clearly can take a more brutally honest approach, some things where it’s clear the OP is really struggling with something it would be unacceptable to not take care over how you word things.

To clarify, when I say some things can take a more brutally honest answer, I mainly mean threads where the OP has given a “brutally honest” opinion in the OP. Eg “AIBU to think that everyone who does (perfectly normal thing) is a twat and should be killed on sight” sort of sets the tone.

Billandben444 · 14/04/2022 13:49

It's fine to give your opinion if it's been asked for and, even though you can't struggle through the whole thread, at least read ALL the OP's posts so you know where the thread's got to. It's not fine to have a pop at someone just because you're having a shit day/the dog's weed on the carpet/your husband's just walked out. Take all that aggression out at the gym.

Rrrunrunrunrunrun · 14/04/2022 13:57

Assume you are referring to my thread and the constant insults after I asked you to stop. I joked back the first time which was surely enough, but other posters pointed out you were being unnecessarily unkind.

Clearly you are overinvested in this if you now need to make this thread too.

Riapia · 14/04/2022 14:08

It depends.
On AIBU the views expressed may not necessarily be those of the person posting them.
IT’s a bear pit, not for those of a delicate disposition.

10HailMarys · 14/04/2022 14:26

Honest, yes. Spiteful, no.

I also think it really depends on the tone of the original post. If someone asks something like 'AIBU to think anyone who drinks more than one glass of wine in an evening is a skanky drunk who shouldn't be allowed to have kids?' then I feel more than entitled to give a blunt response.

I wouldn't, however, reply to someone's heartfelt post about their abusive husband with 'Why did you have kids with this man' or 'You're a terrible mother because you let your child see you get punched in the face'.

In general I find the sweeping judgements on Mumsnet quite weird. It absolutely blows my mind that people will say things like 'Football fans are thick and violent' or 'People who paint their toddler's toenails as a game are sexualising them' or 'Why are dog-owners horrible?' and then act surprised when people point out how ridiculous and offensive they're being.

Original poster

SunshinePie · 14/04/2022 16:42

@Rrrunrunrunrunrun

Assume you are referring to my thread and the constant insults after I asked you to stop. I joked back the first time which was surely enough, but other posters pointed out you were being unnecessarily unkind.

Clearly you are overinvested in this if you now need to make this thread too.

Nope. Just confused why someone would ask for opinions and then get aggressive when people give their opinion. Didn’t know if there was some “unwritten Mumsnet rule” about not giving honest opinions. This place is very insular sometimes and I was just trying to figure out if I was missing some “unsaid” rule.

OP posts:

WomanStanleyWoman · 14/04/2022 19:29

I think if you’re going to ask for opinions, you’ll usually get some you don’t like. That’s part and parcel.

What I don’t like is when certain posters obsess about a tiny detail that isn’t that relevant to the main question, or who pick on the way an OP phrases something and virtually ignores the actual topic.

WomanStanleyWoman · 14/04/2022 19:31

For example, on a thread I started years ago, one particular poster took issue with me talking about my nan. She obviously thought I was a little bit common because I didn’t say grandmother (or DGM, I suppose)…

Fairislefandango · 14/04/2022 21:37

Depends on the topic and the way the OP comes across. 'A thread asking for opinions' is a bit of a vague description- it could be anything from opinions on which toothpaste you like best to opinions on whether to have an abortion or whether to report a sexual assault. So yeah... it depends!

DropYourSword · 14/04/2022 23:15

@SunshinePie

So if someone makes a thread asking for opinions is it okay to be brutally honest and give your opinion?

YANBU - yeah fire away
YABU - no, if you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all

Given @Rrrunrunrunrunrun has given more context to this - you were being rude!!

DramaAlpaca · 14/04/2022 23:34

Different boards on MN have their own unwritten rules and it takes a while to tune in to them.

I saw @Rrrunrunrunrunrun's thread. On Baby Names, @SunshinePie, there's an unwritten rule that you don't say anything negative about the name/s of an OP's existing child/ren. You did upset the OP more than once, but to give you credit you came back and apologised as you hadn't realised, which was decent of you. You need a bit of a thick skin even there though - there was a thread recently about my DS's name and some of the comments were horrible.

On AIBU it seems like these days anything goes, it can be a bearpit at times.