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Original poster

Feeling triggered by baby's first birthday...

17 replies

berryroseNC · 14/04/2022 06:43

I feel like I'm being really odd asking this (hence the NC), but I don't know how else to say this.

My little one's 1st birthday is fast approaching, just a matter of days away. As well as feeling as though it's an incredibly exciting,happy and special occasion to celebrate her first year of life, I am also feeling a little unsettled and emotional. The birth was incredibly traumatic for me and I spent time in a mother & baby unit a couple weeks after her birth too, which was the scariest time of my life. My postnatal mental health wasn't great at all for a good few months, and her birthday marks where all that started ....

I want to feel happy and focus entirely on her and her birthday, but I keep wanting to burst into tears as the first anniversary of a really scary and challenging time of year comes around for me. I feel so guilty and awful and that my gorgeous baby's birthday is such a trigger for me. 🙁

Has anyone had a similar experience?

OP posts:
tothemoonandbackbuses · 14/04/2022 06:52

Yes I had a traumatic labour and in hindsight has ptsd and the first birthday was a horrible week. Anyway subsequent birthdays have been fine and I’ve enjoyed them
They don’t really notice their first birthday so don’t feel guilty. Birthdays become much more exciting when they get to 3 and understand.
So just do something low key.

gotalittlebug · 14/04/2022 06:55

You poor thing, it's been a hard year for you Flowers I posted a similar thread just the other day when my DS was turning one. You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. In the end we did cards and presents the morning after his birthday!

ZellyFitzgerald · 14/04/2022 06:56

I empathise. My experience was similar to yours and I found his first birthday difficult because of it.

What I found helped was doing my best to create new memories for the day. So I made his first birthday as wonderful as possible so the next year when his birthday came round again, that is what I associated it with.

Over time it gets easier. My son is 10 now, and I rarely think of his birth, as I have 9 years of wonderful happy birthday memories to look back on instead.

GettinPiggyWithIt · 14/04/2022 06:58

I had the same and I’ll be honest, I found his birthday hard until he was 3

It’s ok! Trauma is trauma - counselling really helped me when I realised the birthday was horrifying me so much

ComDummings · 14/04/2022 06:59

I think this is much more common than we realise, I can certainly relate. Time is a great healer though and years on the emotions are much less.

WarriorN · 14/04/2022 06:59

I'm so sorry that sounds awful. I knew a couple of women who'd felt similarly, basically a type of trauma, and they could do some sort of debrief with the midwives at the hospital.

I felt apprehensive about the burst of my second child and had a long chat with a midwife without looked through my notes and talked through some concerns - I found it more supportive than I'd imagined. Could you look inti whether that's an option?

WarriorN · 14/04/2022 07:00

Birth not burst!

Goldfishjones · 14/04/2022 07:00

I felt the same (to a lesser extent) for the first three birthdays. And I had a totally "normal" stress straight forward birth!!! Be kind to yourself.

TulipsGarden · 14/04/2022 07:05

I think this is quite common, especially when the weather is similar. You're reliving a traumatic incident - regardless of whether it had a happy ending that will trigger an emotional response.

I have realised since having a child that birthdays are quite difficult for a lot of mothers. It may be the memory of a scary and traumatic day, or just the weirdness of seeing their baby grow up and knowing they won't be little forever, but I think they're often secretly quite upsetting.

MrsClarkandPercy · 14/04/2022 07:11

Yes but it gets stacks better, don't worry. I used to remind myself that every minute is a step further away from what happened. And every birthday, too. Don't over-think the 'one year' point. You could choose and focus on any time point. It all means the same great thing: you are powering away from that event. It is fast receding. It's gone.

Think 'thank goodness I'm a whole year on'.

Over time you will stop associating your child's birthday with the birth experience. It will just be her birthday, and even at two she will be super excited because she will know what birthdays are 🙂

I'm so sorry for what you went through, but you are ok, and your baby is. The only way is forwards 🌷

rattlemehearties · 14/04/2022 07:14

Similar feelings back then and we made the first birthday a celebration lunch with mostly our adult friends (didn't know many kids). The baby doesn't know it's their birthday at that age so celebrate what a great job you've done getting through the first year!

Toponeniceone · 14/04/2022 07:23

It's normal and will pass Flowers

Oxborn · 14/04/2022 07:40

I had a extremely traumatic birth where I ended up having a hysterectomy during c section, birthdays were tainted by this for many years also suffered ptsd, it took a while but now I don’t really think about it every single birthday it gets easier I promise and doesn’t make you a bad person

Yespmed · 14/04/2022 07:41

Yes, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, you’re definitely not alone. I had a traumatic birth and was in hospital for about 2 weeks in total afterwards (both DS and I for different health reasons) and the lead up to his first birthday was awful. When it got to the actual time of his birth that day we celebrated and then I went upstairs alone while everyone else was downstairs and had a little cry. It’s overwhelming when you’ve been through so much and whilst it’s a special day it does remind you of everything you went through and how difficult that time was if it didn’t go particularly well. Pp are right, it will get better as time goes on, celebrate how well you’ve done to get through the first year, and enjoy time with your little - sounds cliche but time really is a healer. I don’t know if it would help but It might be worth looking into some types of therapy to help you process some of the things that happened. I have been visiting someone for Emdr therapy regarding birth and the weeks after. It deals with reprocessing traumatic memories for ptsd and it’s honesty changed my life for the better. It might not be the right thing for you but thought I’d put it out there!

KatyN · 14/04/2022 08:35

Yep, me too.
First child was traumatic. Time in nicu. Still seeing a consultant for 2 years. Any anniversary (month, year) we’re rough for maybe a couple of years. It has got better and now his birthday is the normal crazy of presents and cakes.
Second child I was under the mental health team. Trauma from the first effected the second and it was shit for all different reasons. I couldn’t look at baby photos for a long time without reliving how bad it was for me. She’s now 6 and I have accepted it was a really rough time but I have a gorgeous daughter.
To be fair I have 2 fabulous children.. it gets easier. It just takes time.

Xx

Iwannabeadog · 14/04/2022 08:45

I am a pelvic health physio and see loads of women who report similar feelings. I even had one lady who reported this, even though her DS was in his 20s! (this was the first time she had discussed and sought help for her ongoing symptoms - we did get rid of her pain and bladder symptoms in the end!)
I often advise some talking therapy and/or a debrief at the hospital if you haven't had one. Also be really kind to yourself, make the birthday a time to make good memories but also don't put more pressure on to have an insta ready birthday fest! Take care

GrapesAreMyJam · 14/04/2022 10:53

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