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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ds his ex can’t stay here?

28 replies

UlcerativePoliteness · 13/04/2022 14:57

Both 17. She has a history of being very controlling. He has a history of deliberately winding her up. In short the relationship is a toxic mess.

He finished with her a while ago, but they carried on as normal, meeting up, her coming round.
The last time she was round they ended up having a huge row until 2am, mostly on her part. Ds admitted she hit him and called him a cunt. I have advised that this is not ok, that this is abusive and not to be tolerated. I also said she was no longer welcome to stay.

I’m sticking to that and ds thinks IABU.
I cannot dictate what ds does, who he has a relationship with, but I don’t want this under my roof any more. AIBU?

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 13/04/2022 14:59

You can certainly dictate who stays in your house, not unreasonable to not want that in your home. He can go and argue at hers and see if her parents will put up with it.

Original poster
UlcerativePoliteness · 13/04/2022 15:01

Her mother won’t allow him in their house because he broke up with her…

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 13/04/2022 15:04

Absolutely don't have her stay.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/04/2022 15:04

@UlcerativePoliteness

Her mother won’t allow him in their house because he broke up with her…
And you won't have them in your house because SHE broke up with HIM.
Mooshering · 13/04/2022 15:06

Of course you can refuse to have her in your house.

Brideandprejudice · 13/04/2022 15:09

I agree with you OP. I wouldn't allow a domestic abuser into my home either.

ExMachinaDeus · 13/04/2022 15:26

Is this part of a long-running saga about a controlling girlfriend and the enabling parents @UlcerativePoliteness ? If so, you know how to set your boundaries.

If not, I'm really sorry that there are other examples of this sort of controlling & abusive behaviour in such very young people.

Good luck OP Flowers It's not easy, is it ...

MsJinks · 13/04/2022 15:28

I had similar with a over 18 daughter - I said I couldn’t so wouldn’t stop her seeing him - however I had my own principles and it was my house so he simply couldn’t come round, as I didn’t want him in my house. They can go on dates/meet ups etc. I did tell both daughter and fella at same time why and agreed I’d reconsider in a few months if their relationship was different- it never improved and ended eventually- but I may have given another chance, or not.
You’re well within your rights, but I imagine your son won’t be happy and will go on at you, so just stick to your guns quietly - recommend walks or films out? 🤷🏼‍♀️ - oh and depending on how your household is set up they may or may not find time/space to sneak in, so look out for that. It will pass OP.

irishfarmer · 13/04/2022 15:28

No you are not being unreasonable to not allow that to carry on in your house! You describe the relationship as toxic, and it sounds it. Teenage romances can be high drama but this is too much. Tell him she is not welcome

Bunnybingesoneggs · 13/04/2022 15:30

Just tell him you aren't being party to an abusive relationship..

Duchess379 · 13/04/2022 15:56

If he doesn't like your rules, he can move out & continuously row with his gf all he likes elsewhere.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 13/04/2022 15:57

YANBU. Your house, your rules.

If he wants to have her round, he can move out and get his own place.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/04/2022 16:01

He's 17. If he doesn't like your rules he can move out.

If she doesn't like her parents' rules, she can move out.

I think you are educating your DS that an abusive and toxic relationship is not a good thing. Unfortunatly at that age, he can be told and told and told... but he will realise it in time.

Stand your ground. As said above... your house, your rules.

decentchap · 13/04/2022 16:18

This is a gross presumption.
Tell him to leave and find his own way in the world as you will no longer subsidise him if he feels you are obliged to.
You simply do not need this and do NOT have to accept it.
If he tries it on emotionally do not budge - you are best without them both.

Kuachui · 13/04/2022 16:18

to be honest i think its what should happen. if he cant stop himself from being involved with her then the parent should atleast not let it happen right in front of them. its just protecting him really

tkwal · 13/04/2022 16:21

Abuse is abuse. You're quite right not to tolerate it in your home. I would encourage your son to stop seeing her altogether but you would probably do better as a cat herder. One thing about a controlling person that makes me concerned for your son. They don't like being thwarted and are very good at manipulating situations to suit their own narrative. Don't be surprised if she makes allegations of some form of abuse against your son

Yousexybugger · 13/04/2022 16:25

I think you're setting them both a great example that violence is not tolerable. 100% YANBU. When he's older and more mature he will appreciate you doing this for him.

Original poster
UlcerativePoliteness · 13/04/2022 16:30

@ExMachinaDeus possibly. I’ve posted once about it, but to be fair I’ve seen plenty of other posts about similar situations.

I feel it is protecting him. I don’t dislike his ex, and I don’t believe ds is an angel, they both seem to bring out the worst in each other, and I don’t want to have any part of encouraging it. I think they would both be far happier without each other.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 13/04/2022 17:27

Just tell her to leave and not come back, she's no longer welcome

DS will be hugely relieved you rescued him from a situation he can't handle.

Murdoch1949 · 16/04/2022 22:43

Wouldn’t let her in the house for visits at all. She’s nothing to do with you and her behaviour is seriously concerning. Worry about your son, he also has issues that need addressing.

BungleandGeorge · 17/04/2022 00:41

He kept you awake arguing with his ex in your house until 2am? He’s being hugely disrespectful to you to be even asking for her to come round again. Tbh I’d have thrown her out when the row started

AmandaMirandaPanda · 17/04/2022 02:30

"I’m sticking to that and ds thinks IABU." What's his logic or argument for this view?

Of course you have the right to decide who comes to your house, but - what's his justification that she should be welcomed? If someone else - let's say a neighbour or colleague - came to the house and shouted all night and swore at and hit you (or his dad, or sibling) would he also say that it's unfair if you deny that person unfettered access? Can he explain why?

LBFseBrom · 16/11/2022 02:36

I don't blame you. By allowing her to come round and row until 2am you are facilitating what is basically a toxic relationship. Stay firm.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/11/2022 15:35

@LBFseBrom - do you mind me asking, with the previous post to yours being back in April 2022, did you come across this thread because of the "You might also like" box that has appeared on some threads?

nickytjj · 16/11/2022 16:55

If this thread was a reverse gender with a boy hitting a girl the responses would be very different. You'd be told to ring the police and that the boy needs to be detained and that your daughter needs to be protected and don't let her near him etc.

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