For not wanting to bother with the Inlaws?

[loucee]

It's long, but the couple of close friends I have told all agree with DH and I and I'm not sure if they are just being supportive or if it's because WANBU.

DS arrived by crash section on 23rd Dec, we were discharged on Christmas Day ( a day earlier than thought) so went to MIL's house (DH had dropped DD (2) off there that morning as plan was for him to visit DS and I then return to MIL house and stay the night). When we arrived at 2pm DD was very over tired so DH put her in the pram to take her for quick walk and a sleep. Inlaws were very awkward e.g DD kept saying "on bike" (she wanted to go on her new bike when DH was trying to get her in the pram) and FIL was saying "DH, she wants to go on her bike not a walk", it wasn't helpeful as DH wasn't taking her for a walk he was trying to get her to sleep as she was in a state. Transpires she hadn't eaten anything except a couple of crisps and a chocolate and had only had a sip of milk since DH dropped her off, no nappy change either. I climbed the stairs to the loo and was in a lot of pain from my section and when I came down MIL was saying to SIL "we'll wake up DS1 (3 days old) to have a cuddle in a minute" which made me anxious as it's always been a battle to get DD from inlaws when she needed a feed and DS had been asleep for 3.5 hours so would be needing a feed when he woke up. So I got a bit emotional and just said I was finding the day a bit emotional and that I was still coming to terms with the birth and the days afterwards (DS was in SCBU for the 2 days we were in hossie) and just wanted to get home (weather was thick ice at home too). MIL stayed in the kitchen and I could hear her crying, FIL and SIL helped get everything together and packed the car with DH, DH tried to say goodbye to his mum but is sister wouldn't let him in the kitchen and said "leave it". I then heard her go in kitchen and say "pull yourself together mum". I was teary when we were leaving and apologised to FIL for spoiling his Christmas Day, he said don't be daft it would've been great just to see you for 20 mins so 2 hours is fantastic. WHen I said goodbye to SIL I said "sorry if I've upset your mum", she said "don't worry". so off we came home.
Next contact we had with inlaws was on night of 27th Dec when I called them to say DS and I had been readmitted to hospital as DS had an infection and they didn't know what it was and that he was having blood tests/urine tests and a lumbar puncture. Didn't speak directly with inlaws but with SIL who was staying iwth them. Later that night FIL phoned DH and said they were thinking of us and to let them know when we had more news. DH was a bit annoyed they weren't going to come round to help out with DD as he would be back and forward to hospital etc. Next day I phone MIL to ask for their help and she gave me a right time on the phone. "DH has had very poor communication with them and their circumstance has never changed - they have and always will be there for the children. I said DH needed his mum right now and she said she would call him later. Later that night a nurse came to get me to say Gran was on the phone, it was MIL who sounded upset - she was phoning the hospital for an update on DS. She said they wanted to visit but not when DH would be there as they didn't want contact with him. I said best they come at the 7-8 visiting time then and she said "but DH wasn't there at 3pm the other day" (3-4 is the other visiting time). I was tired and emotional, worried sick about DS, recovering from section and worried about DD as she didn't understand what was going on. Last thing I needed was this stress.

So, inlaws had phoned DH and they had big row on the phone, DH hoped they would offer to come over to our house to help out with DD etc giving him time to run over to the hossie but they said they could mind her if DH drove her to them (which would mean taking all her stuff as they don't have anything for her and they live 45 mins in the opposite direction to hossie so would just add to hassle and stress).
Thankfully we have two amazing childminders (a retired couple who have 4 daughters and grandchildren) who looked after DD in the afternoons.

Feel let down by the inlaws as they only phoned up the hospital and visited after DH had shouted at them on the phone that they hadn't even tried to find out how DS was doing. They came to visit 3 times during our 10 night hossie stay and it was very stressful, both made it clear they were only there to see DS (which i am very glad they came to see him as he was very poorly and we didn't know what was wrong, initially they thought it could be meningitus) but also felt they were so cold to me as my mum is 450 miles away and they are our only family up here.

So, DH wants nothing more to do with the inlaws, I am exhausted and not sure what I think but feel sad for my kids to not know their Grandparents and for my DH to not have his parents.

Sorry this is soooooooooooooooo long.

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a bad time after a stressful birth and hospitalisation of your son.

I think you need to put the issue of your in laws to one side and focus purely on yourself, your DS and the other members of your immediate family. You've all been through an awful lot.

I find it amazing that your in laws are being so unsupportive, difficult and unkind at such a stressful time for you and DH. Madness.

YANBU. You have had a lot to deal with and they should have been considerably more sensitive and thoughtful. Your MIL seems to think it is all about her when it is your little family that needs the support.
How is DS now? This is such a stressful time for you, my advice is to try to put it to the back of your mind, concentrate on your children and let it blow over.

I don't think your being unreasonable at all, your under enough stress etc...with out the added pettiness of the "outlaws"- at the end of the day they are your children they are your prority I would concentrate on your little ones and not give them another fault, they should behave like adults especially at times like this. Sounds like your having a rough time Hugs

loucee I really feel for you with this. I don't think you are reacting unreasonably. I also think you are right about it being an emotional time. I would be inclined to let the dust settle and then try to build bridges. This is important as it is unfair to prevent your children from knowing their grandparents as they will lose out. Also, I am quite sure that none of this was intended. They may have called more and messages not passed on etc. May have not wanted to disturb the already busy staff etc.

Sorry you're having such a difficult time Loucee, and I hope that DS has made a full recovery, and that you start to feel better and get time to recover from your ordeal.

It sounds as though you've had an awful lot going on, a hectic time in a practical sense, and so much to deal with emotionally. I wouldn't make any big decisions about your inlaws now. Use your fantastic child minders and give yourselves some space from the inlaws. Enjoy your new baby and take things as they come.

Loads of sympathy. My inlaws change like the weather and MIL in particular does exactly as she feels. Your IL's are adults that have had children and should bloody well know how it feels - you've had an ill baby, you are post natal, your own family are miles away' you no doubt are getting interrupted sleep and your mother in law is crying????????? This is about you, not her. If you can't put yourself first (ie going home on xmas day) when you've got a new and poorly baby AND had major abdominal surgery(which is what a c section is) then when can you?

This sounds trite but after years of manupulation from my MIL I have just decided that she is jealous because she is no longer the centre of the family - she must now take a step back and let the new mother get on with it. I would honestly let things calm down. If you stay cool and keep contact to a minimum she will soon come running. Then you will be able to restart your relationship on your terms. She is an adult too, and should behave like one. It is excellent that your DH is on your side, this will really help.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. If they are going to persist in bickering, could you maybe have a word with dh, and tell him that youve had enough to deal with, and maybe he could try and keep all the arguing away from you? If they are going to fall out, at least you wont have to worry about it if you dont know whats been said etc. Also, if pil's start going on at you about it, tell them you really have enough to be going on with, without worrying about all that. Im sure it'll blow over, as these things usually do.
Congratulations on your ds, my son was also born 23rd December!!

Yes, I agree with the others, let things settle down and concentrate on your immediate family for a few weeks. It sounds horrific tbh, but it will blow over. Hope your ds is getting on better now?

Agree with the others & you are NOT BU .

Why not just concentrate on getting over the op/birth & just getting your heads round the change in family set-up, enjoy your little ones & get your strength back. If the in-laws ring don't be drawn into who said what to whom, keep the chat light & friendly & ignore any little digs. Maybe send them some photos of the kids from time to time, & just see what develops. When the dust has settled a bit maybe a few bridges can be re-built although I can see why you both would feel so cross & sad about it all. Make them do the running around you have enough to do!

Take CAre of yourself & good luck!

Sorry forgot to mention the main point of my post! When i spoke to MIL to ask her for help she said "after you walked out on Christmas Day and took the children" then said I could've left DD with then on Christmasd Day (how awful for her to have been waving goodbye to mummy, daddy and new brother)

thanks for all good wishes, thankfully DS turned a corner 5 nights into the treatment and is just lovely now.

Clareyoo, i think thts what my MIL's problem is too, she's no longer the only mum in the family. Its not really DH being on my side, he's adamant he doesnt want to talk to them again whereas I feel like I'm the go-between and it shoud be me phoning MIL with updates on DS but at the moment I am exhausted and emotional and sore!

It's always been frustrating with them, when we are in their company noone asks me or DH if its ok for this or that they ask MIL if its ok to take DC somewhere or if its too hot/cold etc.

Is anyone really honest with their inlaws? when you talk of building a new relationship with them would you iron out all the things in the past so they are aware or just move on?

YANBU.

Forget about your In-laws at the moment just look after yourself, dh and you children.

Then when you have recovered then leave it to dh to contact his parents.

This is what i did after my sil had ago at me, 18mths ago (made some snide remarks about not knowing/or having what it's like having 2 children 3 wks after i miscarried). Now any contact with his family it is down to him and them to arrange.

Well here is my experience if it helps at all Loucee. MIL is a matriarch figure in her family. She has four DC and expects to be in control of every situation at which she is present. I had a very hard time with her ten years ago when I had DD1 and she and FIL realised that DH and I were planning on making our own decisions about naming the baby, feeding, going back to work etc etc. Some very hard things were said by them about me (though never directly to my face so I couldn't do anything about it) and DH had to face down quite a bit of flack from his siblings about not letting PIL dictate our lives. After about two years they seemed to accept that we were not going to change the way we did things and they backed off. I have never been anything other than polite to them, have always attended family occasions and facilitated contact with my children. I dislike them deeply for all sorts of stuff they said and did but on the surface I am the perfect DIL and they have never had anything (valid) to complain about in my behaviour.
So my advice is don't drag up stuff, they will never see your point of view and just move on. I do this for the sake of letting my children have a good relationship with their grandparents and it works for us.

Lizzie, yes I actually feel that it is now down to DH to contact his family as and when. I am so thankful DS is ok now (touch wood) that I have put the birth experience out of my mind as what's the good in feeling a bit sorry for myself - it was necessary to ensure safe arrival of DS and I am thankful for that.

Rosa, there's so many things I dislike about the inlaws when they are looking after DD. We have only asked them to babysit her a handful of times but they never follow anything we have asked them to do (like bedtimes, feeding times etc). Before we had children I thought they were fantastic but since DD arrived 2 years ago they seem like different people. It's very strange as well, I feel like MIL tries to pretend the children are her daughters rather than mine. When DD stays over (literally been about 4 times) she always stays in with SIL rather than the spare room, when I said to MIL she would sleep better in the spare room her reply was "we dont have the luxury of a spare room" (they do but its a small single with a single bed so not much room to get round cot), but would you believe it on Christmas Day DH was going to stay in there with surprise surprise the cot next to the bed!
MIL always asks to have a photo taken of her and her two daughters (33 and 38) with DD then if one of them says "come Dad you get in photo as well" it seems odd that they've got everyone in the photo except DH (who has been present every time this has happened). It's things like that I don't understand and I'm not sure if I should ask them why he wouldn't be in the photo!

It's really nice hearing we're not being unreasonable about their behaviour.

YA certainly NBU!

Your inlaws sound like a self centred bunch.

I am sorry for all you have been through but I truly feel that having family is not the be all and end all.

I have said before that my children only have one set of GPs and tbh if we were to move away and hardly see them we would all be fine.

YANBU!
They are being very unreasonable to have been thinking purely of themselves at such a stressful and worrying time for you.
I would ignore them for now and concentrate on your new family and then when you are all stronger and more settled in your DH can think about whether to get back in contact again.
Glad to hear that your DS is doing so much better now!