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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child custody

16 replies

lalaloopsy83 · 13/04/2022 10:29

Was wondering if I could get some advice with anyone in a similar situation.
My ex husband who I share 3 kids with have had every Saturday to Sunday with the kids since we split, he couldn't have them any other time due to his work. After rearranging my work rota, it worked for us.
He's recently got a new girlfriend and now wants our schedule to fit with her child and ex so it's one Friday one week, and Saturday the next.
The thing with this is, he works Friday til 6 and expects me or my mother to watch the kids while he finishes work which I think is unfair as it's his time and his responsibility.
I've said I'm happy enough to change to that but he'd need to find his own childcare on his time if he's working. He's now requesting mediation.
With this new arrangement he'll be losing 10 hours a month seeing the kids due to work and the oldest doesn't want to stay after school on a Friday so there's that too.
Am I being unreasonable not sorting his childcare out for him with his new schedule and what can I do to fix it.
I should add, I also work a Friday so he's expecting my mother to be his childcare til I get home and take over.
Thank you for reading

OP posts:
maxelly · 13/04/2022 12:38

You're not being unreasonable, he sounds a total arsehole and very entitled/not bothered about his kids if he's prepared to change a routine that works well for them and see them less just cos he has a new girlfriend and then on top of that wants you to pay for extra childcare? Most separated fathers are desperate to see their kids more and that's what they end in court disputing about, not less! Hmm

That being said there's no legal mechanism to make a deadbeat dad a better father, you'd be well within your rights to say you/your mother won't be providing the extra childcare but if he calls your bluff and then refuses to have them at all or makes unsafe/unsuitable arrangements to look after them you'll end up having them anyway, the court can't really mandate that, or father their only real enforcement is to stop him seeing the kids at all with the net result that you still have the responsibility. Of course you can claim extra maintenance for the reduced hours he looks after them including time in childcare paid for by you or looked after by your mother but I don't know how much difference that makes to you/him? It might be worth gritting your teeth and going to mediation as he's requested, having to spell it all out in front of a neutral third party might just make him see sense?

AntarcticTern · 13/04/2022 12:41

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Go to mediation with him and explain calmly that you and your mother can't provide childcare on his contact days and he needs to find a solution (or else stick with the previous arrangement).

Duracellbunnywannabe · 13/04/2022 12:44

I agree go to mediation. Explain your are apply to agree to his requested change but you can’t provide childcare for the days he has the kids.

AHungryCaterpillar · 13/04/2022 12:45

Why does he have them every weekend? That’s unusual anyway as it means you never get any down time with them, whilst it’s rubbish he wants to see them less he can’t be made to have them anymore than he wants to

Original poster
lalaloopsy83 · 13/04/2022 14:03

@AHungryCaterpillar

Why does he have them every weekend? That’s unusual anyway as it means you never get any down time with them, whilst it’s rubbish he wants to see them less he can’t be made to have them anymore than he wants to
He has them every Saturday, 4 days a month honestly to lower child maintenance which he begrudges paying and said "it's extra money he shouldn't have to give" 🙄 besides that, it's the only full day he could have due to work and it's important kids see him at least once a week. I do have down time, which he is more than happy with if I drop them off later. Example this weekend, I had all three til 8pm instead of 1pm as we did a fun day with play gym, parks etc. Other times the two older stay with me if they want too that weekend and we work around that. The youngest one is only two, when kids are at school we get our one to one 😊 I'm more upset that he's only changing this after 3 years of working to match his new girlfriends schedule with her child, I believe in routine and it's going to mess me up with work if he expects these changes. He even suggested one day during school, but older kids don't want that, he has a two bedroom house which he hasn't done anything with for the kids. My son is expected to sleep on an uncomfortable sofa bed in the living room, it's just not practical. All that and he wants me to sort his childcare because he obviously doesn't want to pay for it, it's such a mess
OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 13/04/2022 14:23

Child care is the biggest child related expense. If he isn’t paying maintenance for those days, definitely don’t let him shift that cost and hassle to you. Even if you are able to find a family member to provide the care as a favor, that care still has value and is saving him money on what should be his day to cover costs.

Original poster
lalaloopsy83 · 13/04/2022 14:31

Even if he was to have the kids after work on a school day, that's only two hours with him before they go to bed as it would be 8pm. I'd have the youngest dropped off at 8am so he can go to work, she doesn't wake til 7:30. So he's only getting 2 and a half hours with that week with them IF that, with homework needing done etc, all for more free time with his new girlfriend 🙈
This is purely all so he has that day in the week for less maintenance.
He was harassing me for the 3 time last night about childcare til 11pm because I said I couldn't sort his childcare out on his time and my elderly mother wasn't fit for it

OP posts:
HangOnToYourself · 13/04/2022 14:40

It sounds like he is trying to spend the least amount of time possible with them without reducing the nights so it doesnt impact him financially, what a champ 🙄
I'd say sort your own childcare or collect them sat morning and pay more maintenance.

Original poster
lalaloopsy83 · 13/04/2022 14:52

@HangOnToYourself

It sounds like he is trying to spend the least amount of time possible with them without reducing the nights so it doesnt impact him financially, what a champ 🙄 I'd say sort your own childcare or collect them sat morning and pay more maintenance.
That's a good message to send, never thought about him having them Saturday morning if he can't find childcare Friday. But I doubt he'll agree to that as he won't want to pay extra maintenance, but I'll put that across when he, no doubt asks again
OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 13/04/2022 14:55

It sounds like it is about two things for you - so mediation it is
The new girlfriend and all change
The expectation that his needs will be agreed to and met.

His pattern of child contact possibly should be upped not reduced.
He likely needs a day in the week plus weekend contact each week to have any chance of forming a lasting bond with the kids imo.

Why can’t he do a mid week night plus alternative Fridays and Saturdays? ( if he needs a larger house to do so suitably with the kids this will also be discussed during mediation)

He could pay your mum for childcare until free from work on a Friday?
I guess she supports you in some way - maybe he could take over that arrangement, if she was amenable

You say the youngest is two and he is changing this child arrangement after only 3 yrs. Is the youngest child his too or are you a blended family?

HangOnToYourself · 13/04/2022 15:04

No he probably wont want to agree to it for that reason but it's a perfectly reasonable solution for him in terms of facilitating contact.

Original poster
lalaloopsy83 · 13/04/2022 15:12

@RonaldMcDonald

It sounds like it is about two things for you - so mediation it is The new girlfriend and all change The expectation that his needs will be agreed to and met.

His pattern of child contact possibly should be upped not reduced.
He likely needs a day in the week plus weekend contact each week to have any chance of forming a lasting bond with the kids imo.

Why can’t he do a mid week night plus alternative Fridays and Saturdays? ( if he needs a larger house to do so suitably with the kids this will also be discussed during mediation)

He could pay your mum for childcare until free from work on a Friday?
I guess she supports you in some way - maybe he could take over that arrangement, if she was amenable

You say the youngest is two and he is changing this child arrangement after only 3 yrs. Is the youngest child his too or are you a blended family?

Sorry, yes she's 2, she's turning 3 very soon. We actually split when she was weeks old due to him cheating in my pregnancy and leaving them for her and disappearing for over a month while he played house and then they split when she found out what he was truly like, but that's a different story. He sees them during the week for a couple of hours on a Tuesday and a Thursday (6pm to 8pm), I've always had an open door policy and helped with changes if needed with notice. He doesn't have them during the week overnight due to work, like I said earlier, he'd only be getting at the most 3 hours with them, Saturday worked best as he finished at 12 and could actually spend some quality time with them. That's what we agreed and it worked, now he wants to have one free night with his new woman without kids and even asked me what I could suggest to help with that. But I should also add, he's now recently got Saturdays off, so a full weekend to himself, so he does have one night free, he just wants the same child schedule as hers, which just doesn't work for anyone but him. Also, the two teens do not and have expressed they don't want to stop on a school night, I can't force them.
OP posts:
Enola2023 · 21/02/2023 23:48

Here goes, my x husband is trying to get custody of my 11 year old daughter. I can't bear it as he lives 4 hours away. He claims in court I'm drinking too much and has got social care to request hair strand test.

PearsOfWisdom · 22/02/2023 00:03

Enola2023 · 21/02/2023 23:48

Here goes, my x husband is trying to get custody of my 11 year old daughter. I can't bear it as he lives 4 hours away. He claims in court I'm drinking too much and has got social care to request hair strand test.

You need to start you own thread 🙂

Enola2023 · 22/02/2023 00:29

Enola2023 · 21/02/2023 23:48

Here goes, my x husband is trying to get custody of my 11 year old daughter. I can't bear it as he lives 4 hours away. He claims in court I'm drinking too much and has got social care to request hair strand test.

How do I start my own thread please

PearsOfWisdom · 22/02/2023 10:54

At the top of the page there’s a blue button that says “ start new thread “.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page