to have reached the end of my tether with DH

[AnnoyingButLovelyDH]

Ok... So I love him dearly. But tonight I can take it no more.

Every. Single. Day for the last 5 years (yes, I kid you not - 5 years) or so he's been saying 'i don't know what job to do', 'i don't know what career to do', 'i dont know how to progress..' Every single night he says this. Every night he sounds stressed not knowing "what to do with my life". Every night he looks to me for answers. And every night I say, 'oh, poor you, how about X or Y, or why don't you speak to X or Y' or just, 'awww.. so hard for you...' etc... I've even to pay for him to do a course or something if he wants. But he doesn't 'know what to do' or what he enjoys.

My sympathy has now run out. I just don't want to hear it any more. I can no longer offer words of sympathy or any advice.

He's in a perfectly good job that he finds boring. He's been doing it ages. I've suggested he stay. I've suggested loads of alternatives, but he poopoos every suggestion. I've no more ideas left.

Either suck it up and carry on doing the job you r doing without any more moaning and questioning how to leave, or make a decision on another job and just leave. I cannot take anymore "I don't know what to do".

Why don't you know? Whhhhyyyyyyyyy? You've been "thinking about it" for 5 flippin years and still we are NO FURTHER than 5 years ago and I don't want to hear about it ANY MORE....

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

He is driving me INSANE....

oh dear, yanbu. "Piss or get off the pot!' time

Try nearly 20 years. DH also has a perfectly good and well paid job. I have come to accept that this is his way of letting off steam. I don't listen very closely.

Janis - oh my god! The thought of another 15 years of this is hell!! I don't think i could cope with that!!!! Why r you not in prison for murder?!!!!! (Kidding)

God my husband is the same. Hes been doing it for 11 years too. Any suggestions welcome!

11 years???? (Oh no, I am.so.seeing my future 😕)

If bore him tonight or tell him what you’ve said here

“Every day for 5 years, Bob, I’ve offered advice. Stay at work or change. Goodnight”

Or ever more increasingly random job suggestions.

If he’s an accountant, zoology. Beauty therapy etc

He has other qualities:) TBH he trained v hard for this job so I doubt he will leave it except to retire. I quite enjoy thinking up names for the "business" that he hopes to start on his own. Usually in something that he has absolutely no experience in.

I was that husband. My wife told me firmly she was not discussing it again but would support my next step. Four years later Im a super happy freelancer. I went to a career coach, decided life was too short, learned Im avoidant but had a good seelable skillset. I now make €500 a day.

Like DH is not a doctor or even a biochemist but wants to start a medical business. What can you even say? It's like me wanting to be a rock star

We watched The Dropout recently and I dropped a lot of significant hints about how much harm people with zero scientific training can do.:)

Just tell him. Next time he mentions it, just laugh and say 'you've said this to me every day for 5 years, enough now' then change the subject, tomorrow when he says it 'bob, that's 5 years and 1 day', next day 'bob, that's 5 years and 2 days' rinse & repeat

Janis - I love you! You r making me laugh! I feel you r me, just a few years down the line!!

Thisismax - yeah, I think I'm going to suggest a life coach kind of thing to him. I'm not sure it'll work (he will probably not know whether to go or not... and then will probably still be paralysed with indecision about whatever the life coach says etc..) but worth a try!

I am peri-menopausal and am extremely annoying myself these days. I too chunter on and on about lots of things:)

There is another thread on here saying that 50% of teachers intend to leave the profession. When I was teaching 100% said they wanted to leave every single day of the term!

This type of interaction is described in https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

In a game called yes...but.

Hope reading about it might help you break out of that way of interacting.

Yanbu. My DH says the same about his job and keeps going on about new jobs he will apply for and never actually does. The latest vacancy he fixated on was filled last December yet he's still planning his covering letter.....

You need to stop suggesting things.

The point of ThiisMax’s post wasn’t the life coach. It was the fact they decided to do it themselves only when their partner stopped indulging the conversation.

You need to say - as kindly as possible/ “I know you’re unhappy at work DH but I’ll ge honest I cannot have the same conversations about it again and again. Make a plan and then I’ll support you all the way. But I don’t want to talk about it until you have a plan”

@AnnoyingButLovelyDH

Janis - I love you! You r making me laugh! I feel you r me, just a few years down the line!!

Thisismax - yeah, I think I'm going to suggest a life coach kind of thing to him. I'm not sure it'll work (he will probably not know whether to go or not... and then will probably still be paralysed with indecision about whatever the life coach says etc..) but worth a try!

Don't send him to a life coach. He needs a qualified careers adviser!! (Sorry but it's a bug bear of mine - life coaches and careers advisers are two different things)

Thanks for all your suggestions and posts :) this thread has made me smile, but also made.me.think! Thanks

‘Yes, DH, you’re bored and stuck, aren’t you? Bit shit, isn’t it?’ Smile. And repeat. Hand it back to him.

Well Xmas or birthday will be easy this year- a gift of career coaching?

It's the other way round with us - I'm the moaner!
I genuinely don't know what I want to do. I'm trapped in a well paid career that bores me. To retrain would cost a fortune and to do anything that interests me would involve taking a 70% pay cut. So I moan and moan and moan.
Is your DH in a similar boat?

@AnnoyingButLovelyDH

Janis - I love you! You r making me laugh! I feel you r me, just a few years down the line!!

Thisismax - yeah, I think I'm going to suggest a life coach kind of thing to him. I'm not sure it'll work (he will probably not know whether to go or not... and then will probably still be paralysed with indecision about whatever the life coach says etc..) but worth a try!

Actually a lot of my indecision was due to ADHD. I knew I needed to change but was afraid of failing again. And again.... But once i did it, kinda like a dry run, I reframed how I saw myself into how others might see me. So I have had a really good time career wise since then. No boss, no Sunday night fear. My wife was key tho. She was hard ass and stopped me ruminating.

I know someone like this.
Hates his job, always complaining about it.
Over the years has had various ideas re what he might do, Inc finding training courses.

But he's never actually fucking made a change

I finally had enough and pointed all this out to him and told him to either make the change, a change, any change or shut the fuck up.
(I might not have been 100% sober at the time)

It doesn't sound like he wants advice bit it does sound very irritating for you. My DH has just made a change after 10years saying the same thing in a different career. He's now wobbling in this new job as it's hard!

Look up motivational interviewing if you want a change of tactic that might move the conversation on and help in other areas.

Instead of offering advice you repeat back what they say ( with different techniques)

E.g. "I don't know what to do with my life"

You "you are feeling frustrated you don't know what you want out of life? I've heard you saying this for a while now"

It seems really slow and a bit strange at first, but it's great for those conversations thst get stuck or go round in circles and it allows the person to come to their own conclusion.

Stephen rollnick does podcasts on it and will explain it much better than me!