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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in my response to 6 year old being bullied

16 replies

RagingWoke · 12/04/2022 19:20

*name change in case I'm outed!

My 6yo DD has confided in me tonight that 2 girls at school are calling her names and hitting her.
Being a 6 year old she isn't the best at relating a coherent story but with some patience I've gotten it out of her and managed to make sense of it!

2 girls she was friends with have been hitting her and calling her names. Now I knew one had punched her last week, this girl is a bit of a handful but her parents make a big thing of being 'alternative' and 'oh she's just quirky!' that her behaviour never seems to have consequences at home or school. The punch was laughed off anyway and I'm furious with the school.

DD says she feels sad and angry all the time and doesn't want to go back to school because even when she tries to stay away they find her and call her names.

I feel so desperately sad for her and want to handle this right, but am conscious my own experience of bullying could skew my actions- I was bullied from primary school until I just stopped going at 15 after 2 suicide attempts and an SA. None of my teachers ever stepped in or offered support so I was just sort of left to fend for myself.

I don't want to blow this out of proportion, but I am also aware that both girls named by my DD have had lots of run ins or incidents with other dc in the class, many of them violent. Both swear, hit and are generally disruptive.

Do I talk to the school, approach the parents, tell dd to stay away and see what happens?
If I go to the teacher first, what is reasonable? Eg do I ask them to move the girls away from dd in class and keep an eye at breaks or would I ask them to speak to dd and the girls?

OP posts:

RedScarfJamjar · 12/04/2022 19:27

Firstly, I'm really sad and sorry on behalf of your younger self and your daughter. Myself and my daughter both experienced something similar which ended up with us leaving school at a similar age to you.

As a first step I'd request a meeting with her teacher, get yourself a list together about what you'd like to discuss, and take a notebook so you can take notes to review. I'm sure others will have more advice.

In my daughters case, when she started to be bullied I told her to "rise above" and pursue other friendships, this was probably a mistake. She ended up spending every lunchtime in the library because they were relentless in singling her out. The Head eventually told me off the record that if she didn't stand up for herself (I know...I know...sounds ridiculous these days) then she was in danger of becoming a "perpetual target".

So I told her that there would be no consequences from me if she decked them next time it happened.

Kittycorn · 12/04/2022 19:48

Like PP I'm so sorry to hear that you and your daughter are going through this.

The teacher is definitely the first port of call, you can request a 1:1 meeting or phone call. Parents can be quite defensive of their own children so it's likely to be counterproductive to talk to the bullies' parents.

A list is a great idea, particularly if you are able to record specific incidents.

Good luck, I hope that the teacher/school nip this in the bud quickly for you.

Ikeptgoing · 12/04/2022 21:05

That's so sad for your DD, OP.
Best to arrange meeting with teacher and follow it up by an email to school (so you have re bullying of DD name- class)
and a record of the bullying and what was agreed.

School will have an anti bullying policy so ask the teacher to arrange for you to be sent that policy or ask for a copy of it in your email. So you can make sure they are following it and quote from it.

I recommend that you don't talk about it to the parents of those DCs- the school prefer you go via school as it's happening there and they will have procedure to follow.

Do follow up each time with more emails and meetings if any further incidences and how it is impacting on DD. She should feel safe at school & it's best to get it nipped in the bud.

VestaTilley · 12/04/2022 21:12

Definitely don’t just leave it - it needs dealing with. The girls in question must stop. I’d email the class teacher, cc’ing the Head.

Ask them what they intend to do, and say you want a robust answer and the girls to have explained to them why what they’ve done is wrong, and that they must apologise.

I’d speak to both parents separately if the school give a weak reply.

If things don’t improve I’d ask for the girls to be temp excluded or moved classes, failing that ask for your DD to move class. Ultimately withdrawal to another school might end up the best course.

Hopefully at the age of 6 this can be nipped in the bud, but if it can’t you need to act. If those girls aren’t dealt with now they could be bullying for years.

RedScarfJamjar · 12/04/2022 21:16

Personally I would not advise speaking to the parents direct. I've never known a situation where that has improved anything.

PostingForTrafficz · 12/04/2022 21:17

Personally I'd nip it in the bud and move her to another school

FairyCakeWings · 12/04/2022 21:21

Don’t talk to the parents, go through the school. Talk to the teacher, the head of year, the headteacher, everyone, in person and on email. Basically make yourself into a complete pain in the arse to them until you are confident it has stopped.

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2022 21:27

Talk to class teacher first. They will not discuss other children with you, only your daughter. Same way you cannot request other children are moved. You can talk about safeguarding your own child, encouraging other friendships, working on dc self esteem.

Neverendingmindfuck · 12/04/2022 21:37

Definitely speak to the school.
If you can, look up their anti bullying policy on their website before the meeting so you can see if they are following their own guidelines.
It really is not worth approaching parents ime. A lot of parents don't believe their little 'Jenny' meant any harm, just kids being kids etc.
I hope you get the outcome your daughter needs to make her feel safe and happy at school.

grey12 · 12/04/2022 21:44

DD1 (5yo) was experiencing some bullying earlier this year

We had a couple of meetings with her teacher and the "head of pastoral care" (????? Person who makes sure kids are ok and well looked after) and demanded they take some action 🤷🏻‍♀️ she changed seats in class, they had assemblies about bullying and friendship, did some groups cooperation activities..... anyways it worked!! She's friends with the girl who was being a bit nasty with her 👍 they're kids, they do stupid stuff so it's up to the adults to take control of the situation

Best of luck!!

If things don't improve, do report them to Ofsted and change schools.....

NewYorker80 · 12/04/2022 21:49

As an ex-teacher this is incredibly serious. Definitely go to the school but do not just go to the class teacher. Send a clear bulleted email listing dates and incidents to the Head of Year or if it's a small school the Deputy Head responsible for behaviour, and copy in the class teacher and the Head.

Do not contact the other parents.

Document everything.

hulahooper2 · 12/04/2022 22:23

Do not approach the parents , involve school first

Original poster

RagingWoke · 13/04/2022 08:01

Thank you every one, I'm so sorry to those of you who have experienced this too.

Some really useful advice here. I'm going to contact the class teacher first who is generally a very nice person. They use class dojo so I'll drop a message and ask for a call or meeting when they return from the break. I'd like to think it will be easy to resolve and put an end to it quickly, I know neither girls parents will believe their little darlings can do any wrong.

Moving schools is definitely an option, there's one a little further away that is really nice so I'm not opposed to moving. I've been toying with it for a while but held off as I didn't want to take dd away from her friendships.

OP posts:

Kitkat151 · 13/04/2022 08:33

@RagingWoke

Thank you every one, I'm so sorry to those of you who have experienced this too.

If you do decide to move her, she will quickly make new friends at age 6 .....at this age they don’t stay there new girl’ for long

Bagadverts · 13/04/2022 08:43

Maybe have at least one serious go at resolving before changing schools. Two issues - message that if you are being bullied you are automatically the one that has to change their life/move schools. Second there might be bullying in any school so DD needs a framework for how to report to teachers immediately etc.

If it happens again though then yes look at move.

Geneticsbunny · 13/04/2022 09:01

@RedScarfJamjar

Personally I would not advise speaking to the parents direct. I've never known a situation where that has improved anything.

My son was getting into regular fights with another boy at school and I invited the boy and his mum over after school for a cup of tea. They had a great time we could both step in and help to show them how to sort things out when the playing got a bit out of hand. It meant that I could get to know the other mum too so that we could chat if anything else happened. After a couple of weeks everything had blown over and the situation at school was fine.

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