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Original poster

My ex boyfriend has died ...but I feel nothing

24 replies

louisekkh · 12/04/2022 18:36

My ex of 7 years ago.
We were only together 3 months but had known each other for years.
He had many issues and had a bit of a temper and strange personality.
Anyway today I heard he passed away but I feel nothing.
I mean I think it's awful and I feel so sorry for his children ..but I know it won't affect me and I feel nothing.
I feel so guilty for not being upset.

My friend text asking if I was okay but I honestly don't feel anything.
Is this normal ?
It's like when you read about a celeb who's passed

OP posts:
inmyslippers · 12/04/2022 18:41

There's no normal when it comes to feelings. However, we all have an idea of how we think we should feel. It's ok not to live up to those expectations.

Turbobaby · 12/04/2022 18:42

I had a similar experience last year when someone I had a relationship with 8 years ago died. It didn't feel particularly real, perhaps because I no longer saw the guy so didn't have that emotional connection any more, and also didn't physically miss him (as in, I wasn't going to places where I'd normally expect him to be and experiencing him not being there, if you see what I mean). So I would say what you're feeling is perfectly normal.

Lacedwithgrace · 12/04/2022 19:28

I think any form of grief is normal, especially when it's an ex. You spend time getting over them, distancing yourself from your feelings for them. It's not unusual to feel nothing for an ex, and as it was some time ago it's understandable you aren't devastated. It might hit you one day but it's fine that you feel this way.
You should only feel guilty if you're thrilled and jumping for joy!

Xpologog · 12/04/2022 19:33

There’s no normal or abnormal. I was like you when I heard my ex husband had died.
You don’t have to feel any particular way.

balalake · 12/04/2022 19:38

You feel nothing today. You may at some time in the future, it's a shock. don't feel guilty.

switswooo · 12/04/2022 19:39

Why should you feel anything? Do you think he would have if situations were reversed?

People make too much of these things I find.

CoastalWave · 12/04/2022 19:40

I felt nothing when a close good friend from work passed away. Worked with him daily for 10+years but hadn't physically seen him for about 5. Literally felt nothing. Strange. This post actually just reminded me he's gone.

Although in your case I would say you're probably in shock. Don't feel guilty or anything.

NannyKrampus · 12/04/2022 19:58

Why should you feel something for someone who is pretty close to a randomer. Better to be honest about that than all of the grief Olympics one often sees from folk with no connection to the deceased.

ManateeFair · 12/04/2022 20:27

My ex died a few years ago and I felt a colossal sense of relief followed by strong sense of schadenfreude and mild amusement, so I reckon you’re doing better than me.

(He was severely and violently abusive and I can still only breathe properly through one nostril because he beat me up so badly - I’m not a complete monster.)

drpet49 · 12/04/2022 20:48

Why should you feel something for someone who is pretty close to a randomer. Better to be honest about that than all of the grief Olympics one often sees from folk with no connection to the deceased.

^This

ArtVandalay · 12/04/2022 20:51

7 years ago and together for only 3 months?

I'm not surprised you're not feeling anything tbf, it would be more surprising if you weren't OK.

Lunalae · 12/04/2022 20:52

Not feeling anything for someone you went out with for 3 months is perfectly normal. Frankly people who jump on grief bandwagons and act like they're traumatised because someone they met on the bus once has died are not something to be emulated.

TurquoiseDragon · 12/04/2022 20:55

I left an abusive ex 4 years ago. We had been together 30 years up to then.

He died suddenly from natural causes about 18 months ago. I only cared about the DCs feelings. I wasn't bothered he was dead, and in fact felt a little relief.

Sad to say, even his kids don't miss him.

OP, your ex is in your past, and you've moved on. Don't feel guilty about not feeling anything.

The idea that we have to feel sadness and grief for the death of practically anyone we ever knew is a rather modern idea, and it's stupid, too.

Kangaruby · 12/04/2022 20:55

Why should you feel anything? My exh ( and dc parent) died and my main emotion was relief for dc that he was out of their life, I certainly didn't feel sad ( apart for dc)

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2022 20:59

It is 100% ok to feel nothing if someone has died, no matter how long you knew them. I've known two people that when they died I was glad, and I will never feel bad or guilty for feeling that way. They were both shit human beings who did nothing but hurt people and make the world a shittier place.

You feel how you feel. Don't apologise for it.

maddening · 12/04/2022 21:02

I think that when the person is not part of your daily life or regular thoughts if it is someone you are close to but don't see often eg due to distance, then there is no "hole" or "gap" which leads you to go through the grief feelings. So if it is someone you see a lot then those moments where you would normally speak to them that you feel their absence or someone that you think of where you might think " oh, Nana would love one of these" and again you are led to dwell on the fact that they are no longer here.

And particularly if it is sudden or unexpected.

But an ex of 3 months.who you have not heard from or thought of for years does not leave this gap.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/04/2022 21:11

Why would you 'need' to feel upset over somebody who presumably was at best an absolute disaster to be in a relationship with?

Your friend doesn't know what it was really like and is probably thinking of her own relationships, which would have been completely different because they were between different people.

Feelings don't come to order based upon other people's expectations. So don't be hard on yourself for not responding dramatically.

PrincessSpanky · 12/04/2022 21:16

Similar here. He died with his MIL and his wife was pregnant with triplets at the time.
Very sad all around.

Wotagain · 12/04/2022 21:25

Why on earth are you turning it into about you? You went out with each other for around 12 weeks, over 7 years ago, you have no children together and you don’t sound like you liked him much.

Leave it to those that loved him to mourn him.

Yousexybugger · 12/04/2022 21:25

Agreed there's no 'normal' but what you describe doesn't sound unusual.

You acknowledge it must be hard for those who loved him and that it's a shame he's died.

However, 7 years after a 3 month relationship (and longer acquaintance), I would suggest that he simply wasn't close enough to you to leave a vacancy in your life. No unfinished business, no unfulfilled experiences together, no questions unanswered, that kind of thing. You don't speak ill of him, just truthfully, but it doesn't sound as though it was a particularly happy 3 months that you would reminisce about or wish had continued.

What you describe sounds proportionate and understandable to me. Not to say it wouldn't be understandable if you felt any different.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/04/2022 21:28

I don’t really understand why you feel guilty because you’re not upset Confused. Why would you feel upset? He hasn’t been in your life for seven years and you were only a couple for 3 months!

Will the greatest respect, while grieving can make you have surprising reactions, you need to give yourself a talking to here.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/04/2022 21:29

A brief relationship 7 years ago. Why would you feel anything other than oh, that’s sad?
I think it’s odder that your friend thought you’d be grieving.

Iwant2move · 12/04/2022 21:32

Grief is peculiar. One of my grans died and I felt nothing. The other gran died and I was briefly upset. My cat died and I was utterly heartbroken for many weeks. My husband was killed four and a half years ago and I am destroyed. I no longer fear death and would be happy to die now. There is no pattern to grief.

Original poster
louisekkh · 12/04/2022 21:33

My cousin is engaged to his sister so we have a lot of mutual friends and he was on my Facebook.
He tried messaging me a couple of years ago asking to go for a drink but I ignored him.
So it wasn't like he was totally out of sight(if that makes sense )
But it was only a 3 month relationship and it wasn't exactly serious

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